Mandy and Sue had a stormy six years together, after they each left their husbands and set up home together with four of their children from these families (all girls).

They met by accident in a gym, and after months of anxiety, Mandy recognised that she was gay, and had fallen in love with Sue, who was then on the brink of leaving an abusive marriage. Sue’s mother had died when she was in her teens, and Mandy in part provided her with the affection and security she had never known in her adult life. She discovered her sexuality with Mandy and had better sex with her than with any man she had known.

Mandy felt blamed by Sue’s family for breaking up a loveless marriage, and felt Sue had not supported her enough. In rows, these themes emerged, and Sue announced in one argument that she had found a male lover. She did not want to break up her partnership with Mandy, but wanted the freedom to express her sexuality in a more open relationship. Mandy could not agree. Mandy had a specific fear that Sue would begin to seek male abusive liaisons again, and she wanted to stay together to keep her and the girls safe

At this point, both of them wanted to terminate their relationship, but felt unable to do so after all that they had been through. Also their daughters were still under ten years old.

Matters come to a head when Sue contracted genital warts from her new lover, and it was suggested at the Department of Sexual Health that both women seek some counselling together.

In counselling, both women were able to lay before each other what it was that held them together and what it was that drove them apart. Their counsellor was a woman who made few demands of them, other than that they attend regularly and that they try to be honest with each other.

Sue was shocked by Mandy’s fears for her, and recognised eventually a pattern of being with men that made her a victim. She established that she was truly bisexual, and that she needed visiting relationships from a range of individuals. She had never in adult life lived alone, or tested her own capacity for autonomy. For her part, Mandy lived independently for five years before getting married, and had always been the more resourceful of the two.

They agreed a trial separation, living close by, enabling the girls to stay together as much as possible. Sue eventually found a flat in the same block, allowing them both to be separate, but close neighbours and friends.