Couples who haven’t yet learnt how to argue healthily seek help in therapy because arguments are too frequent, too violent, or because they maintain and aggravate a dysfunctional part of their relationship.

Identify patterns and bad habits, and try changing the rules with your partner. For example, arguing in bed (get dressed and get to the kitchen table), arguing in front of or with children (make sure you make up in front of them and take ownership for the row) arguing after alcohol (a recipe for violence; postpone your argument till you are both sober), no arguing while driving, using sharp tools, or trying to cook.

Work out the role of alcohol, work, money, relatives and sex in your arguments, and whether these are far bigger differences between you. If arguments are very frequent, keep a diary of them for a month, and find a quiet time to talk.