Partner Therapy Group - Internet Porn Addiction

where to draw the line with porn? Whats fair and when do you break up?

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:34:38 +0000

Hello everyone

I've posted a couple of questions here in the last year or so regarding my bf's porn collection.
Surprise, surprise, its still going on.
A couple of months ago we fought about this, and he promised to get rid of his huge stash, and to stop buying it.
Imagine my surprise today when I lift this sac of porn which weighs abut as much as me. and yes, there is even a new magazine.

Im trying soo hard to be open minded. I know most guys look at the shit, and atleast his collection isnt violent or weird.......just damn barbie dolls. Who look nothing like me.
I know that no relationship is perfect, and no matter who i am with there will be always something wrong.
We have sex rarely, and Ive told him I think it is because he looks at porn. He denies this, but has promised to make more of an effort with me. He is trying, but its very slow. Also, he is doing all these "porno" things which dont really turn me on. So even though we are doing it "slightly" more, it sucks. What he thinks women want is warped by porn. I am finding myself completely unsexual, with not even an interest in solo activities.
Lately too, our ability to understand each other is failing as well. I feel like he just doesnt get me in the same way any more, like he is going further and further away from the female side of things. Our bond is lacking, and it could be because we dont connect physically either.

Looking for ideas to help me stop

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 21:28:25 +0000

Find myself being drawn to pay internet chat sites. At this point it's not even about sexual gratification. I've made some friends and also live out some mild fantasies. The disturbing part is that I can't stop and I'm spending money that I shouldn't. I'm in therapy but have a hard time discussing this with my therapist. Also fear SAA as I'm embarrassed to talk, in public, about this. Does anyone have ways to help keep myself away from these sites or know of any online support groups?

Sex and love addiction

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 11:34:35 +0000

My husband of 14 years is a sex and love addict and also an alcoholic. He just spent two months at a rehab cetnre in Santa Fe and is currently at a halfway house in Miami for a further two months. I just wanted to connect with anyone who wants to chat about their similar experiences for advice and solace. My husband almost never wants to have sex with me and he also suffers with ED which is psychological. We have two kids ages 13 and 11. Two girls. The reason that my husband finally went into rehab was that my daughter and I walked into his office one afternoon and there on his computer screen for both of us to see was a woman masturbating. He was very ashamed and depressed and this prompted him to go into rehab. We have never had a good sex life and I have caught hom three other times in 12 years looking at porn at home but I never realised how serious the problem was until he went into rehab and admitted the amount of time he spends on the net. He has also used prostitutes three times since our marriage and been unfaithful with someone from his office once. I am finding it very hard to deal with the pain of his betrayal and also continue life with my kids, work etc. Does anyone have any advice to give or story to share. He is also a love addict and has fantasies of finding the perfect woman who would make him happy. And I always thought I did.

Lost in a Lack of Emotion

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 13:50:32 +0000

I have just come back from my girlfriend C__'s flat having been dumped. We have been together for 1 year and we both decided a long time back that we were in love with each other. Quite simply she is fantastic and I was the luckiest man on the planet in respect of our physical, psychological, social and sexual relationship etc

However, I have always had a problem with internet porn. When I was younger (I am 29 now), before the days of the internet, I had literally hundreds of porn magazines. The top shelf in my wardrobe literally groaned under the weight of Club, High Society and a wealth of DVD's (and even back in the day VHS'). Then as the net developed and as I got access to better and better technology, more bandwidth and so on I got in to talking to webcam girls, scoping through escort sites to look at the best girls that were available that I could 'potentially' have encounters with... you get the picture. Certainly there was a pattern of escalation and by about 2 years ago I was spending upwards of £300/ month ($600) on porn members sites and having phone and webcam sex with various girls around the globe. Once or twice I even went to meet an escort. When I met this wonderful girl though the only thing that changed was that I never met someone in the flesh. That for me was morally wrong.

confused about my fiance (and his tragic background)

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 22:41:58 +0100

G--- and I have always had issues over intimacy and sexual fulfillment. We have been together for 4 and a half years. I am 32 and he is 26. I discovered early on that greg pre-ejaculates and I decided to help him get treatment. Although we have never sought counselling, I bought several books and did my journal research over the internet. But the whole time during my research and efforts, he never took the initiative to get involved. In other words I was attemping all efforts to help him by myself.

He never initiates sex. He has never approached me sexually or shown desires for me. He never rejects my advances and seems to enjoy the little sex we do have. But it has never been extaordinary, as you can imagine, since we do not last or even continue the act once he ejaculates. Despite premature ejaculation, should it not be normal for him to want more of me since he is young and in his prime?

I must say that there was always something missing in our relationship, there was always a gap between us. He is the most wonderful man. He has a good heart and I know that he cares for me. But often times I have felt alone and distant from him.

There has always been a communication gap between us. He has the most difficult time expressing and sharing his feelings. I can't even remember if he ever had an opinion about something as I have always wondered about his thoughts. Despite the several books I have bought concerning communication, and the promises that he would change, he never read any.

Help me [to stop chatting to girls]

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 20:15:33 +0100

For the past 3-4 months, i have been talking to girls on the internet. These chats would get rather x rated. i found myself neglecting my gf. She has noticed too, and switched onto my computer, logged on and saw the chat logs. Obviously she feels very upset and angry. I too feel ashamed of myself and i cant bear to lose her.. Why did i do it? I dont know!!

Any tips or advice on how to stop and not want to talk to them?

I do love her. Just the last 3-4 months i have probably been sexually satisfied talkin to them rather than her. Im asking for advice.

Husband addicted to internet porn & chatting

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 22:36:07 +0100

My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. I know that he looks at internet porn, and have resigned myself to the fact that he's going to do it. I don't really have any issues with the porn itself, just the amount of time he spends looking at it (usually at least an hour, sometimes 3, almost every day). He also has a history of chatting online with other women. I've confronted him about this several times over the past years and nothing has ever changed. Our sex life is nothing great. In fact, I always seem to want it more than he does and he has absolutely no problem telling me "no" or "he's too tired." It's like the old stereotype reversed and now the husband has the headache!

I'm most disturbed by what he's been doing recently. He is chatting online (always under pseudonyms and false identities) with other women and indulging in "incest" fantasies while doing so. He tells stories to these women about how his mother repeatedly forced him to have sex with her at a young age. This makes me absolutely sick. Sick that he would find this erotic or even interesting, and sick that he would invent such a fantasy about his mother (who I know very well and who is a wonderful person) in such a way. He is also sending naked pictures of himself to these women (and he would never allow me to take a naked picture of him for myself!)

My boyfriend has admitted he is a sex addict

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 13:19:11 +0100

Two years ago for the first time in my life i feel in love completely with a wonderful man. I knew within weeks he was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Over the next few months we moved in together and although the sex was never great i just thought that with time it would get better.After living together for a while i began to notice that he spent a lot of time looking at porn, i didnt have a problem with this at first as i didnt mind looking at it myself. We bought a house together and i introduced him to my family and my dad which was something i had never done before.Over the next few months i saw that the problem was getting worse but thought that he just needed to talk to someone i told him he had a problem but he would deny that it was.

He asked me to marry in at midnight on new years eve and i have never been happier in my life it was fantastic but after a month my father fell ill and i had to go away for two weeks. When i came back i found out that he had been on dating website and in the end i told him that he had a problem and he admitted to me he had. I could never walk away from him and i now realise that this is because my mother died of cancer when i was 6 and i have issues around it.

Should I Ieave now?

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 09:44:49 +0100

My boyfriend is a porn addict but more recently I have to my absolute disgust discovered him looking at transvestites - quite alot! Does tis mean he could be gay? I have also discovered his google searches on 'animal sex - having sex with an animal' - this horrifies me as I cannot understand who on earth would look at things like this. Physcologically - what does this mean about him?
He also looked up dogging sites in the UK. Should I leave now, surely someone like this needs help?
The thing is we live together and have been in what I thought was a great, honest relationship. I now feel hurt, upset and disgusted. Can anyone tell me why he is doing this? What does it mean?

Help me try to help myself

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 08:27:19 +0100

I really need some help here. I believe with my whole head and heart my bf of 2years is addicted to porn. He keeps telling me its not an addiction, he just enjoys porn, and it has nothing to do with me, that is in not an emotional thing. He tells me I have to chill out on him.
Well it has gotten bad, I have walked in on him masturbating to porn more than once, and was disgusted. If you ever come to our house, sit on the sofa at your own discrection, I dont. I used to love to watch him do that, it was foreplay for me, and I liked us using porn together. But since I have opened my eyes and have seen what it is all about for him, I am not turned on by it at all anymore. Of course he calls me frigid now. He watchs internet porn EVERYDAY, and indulges in solo-sex to dvds (since I made him cancel the porn channel) at least once a week(his own admission, I believe it to be more).
It has become almost impossible for me to reach an orgasm when and if we have sex, and he doesn't everytime either. I love this man with all my heart, but really feel there is a problem here.
He tells me it is so normal that every man does it, the difference is how the woman reacts. Well let me tell you, my reactions have been anything but good. It has gotten to be too much.
If he were only checking out porn once a week or something, maybe it wouldnt be so bad, but BELIEVE ME...it is EVERYDAY. All I have to do is check the computer. And if it has been something pretty bad, he will clear the temp files.
I've tried ignoring it, yelling, crying, counseling(by myself because according to him he isn't the one with the problem)
Please help me find a way to deal with this...
Any advice is appreciated....

teen porn

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 07:45:01 +0100

Ever since we got the computer my husband has gone to the teen porn sites. He says that all the girls that he looks at are all 18 or older. I've seen a lot of the stuff he looks at and there is no way many of the girls are any way near 18 years old. If he were looking at mature women I would understand a little more, but this to me is sick and disgusting. His attitude toward me changed. I wasn't young enough or sexy enough. And I didn't do the things that they did sexually. He prefers the girls with little boobs who look about 15 years old. No one know what he prefers but me. I am tired of keeping his secret. I had a program installed on the computer. It keeps track of all web sites he goes to and records all pictures he views. I now have proof and he has a big surprise coming. I have tried every way that I know to get him to stop. He has proven that teen porn is more important than his marriage. When I leave this marriage I have decided that everyone, especially his family will see why I left. It is sad, he threw away 30 years for images of teen-age girls.

Why does my husband use prostitutes?

Fri, 25 May 2007 08:16:59 +0100

I've been married - happily - I thought, for 28 years. We've always had an adventurous sex life, in fact, if anything, my libido was higher than his. We tried all sorts of things sexually, some I really didn't like. We discussed these and I did try everything, even doing things that frankly "turned me off". I wanted to keep him happy and wanted a good sex life, so I was willing to experiment. He started introducing porn movies and although some were ok, I found some really pretty revolting and a total turn off, but we discussed this also. I didn't "ban" the porn movies, but he did drop most of the stuff I just couldn't handle.(i.e. bestiality).

A couple of years ago, our computer crashed and the guy who came to fix it discovered a huge amount of porn on it - really hard core, including bestiality. I had to stand there, totally humiliated, making excuses that someone must have used our computer while we were away. My husband totally denied it, saying it was "pop ups". I kept checking the computer from time to time, and found more stuff and more stuff. I asked him several times to stop accessing it, in case our teenage daughter stumbled upon it, but he would deny it was his doing. Around the same time, I began to wonder if he was having an affair. He would be himself for a while, then sink into a black mood and would be impossible to talk to. He'd be rude and arrogant towards me, then after a couple of weeks, back to normal. During this time (and since, I feel), he stopped "making love to me" - I often felt I could have been a blow up doll, just something to be used - no love or tenderness - just raw sex and whenever the opportunity rose, as "dirty" as possible.

Teen Porn (taboo???)

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 19:10:45 +0100

I recently came across my boyfriends stash of pornography on his computer. He is 23 and I am 21. I don't really have a problem with pornography. I used to watch it with my ex boyfriend all the time. I am a model and very attractive and also a very sexual person so I was surprised to find out my boyfriend had been sneaking to watch porn every chance he got. When I went to work early in the morning he would wake up (which is really hard for him to do) and sneak on the computer.
I found that he strictly watches teen porn. All of the girls he likes to look at are very small and underdeveloped and none of them look over the age of 16. When I confronted him about it he said he would stop. He also said that 16 year olds are just more attractive and girls his own age 20-25 year olds all look too old and like junkies. This really concerns me. I dont want my boyfriend looking at young girls in that way. Other than his porn addiction he seems like the best guy in the world but when we go out to the pool or the store or other places like that I can also always see his eyes wandering torward 12 year old girls. I don't think he will ever act on it. He says he only loves me and wants to be with me but he just loves looking at these young girls. He has stopped looking at porn for 6 months for me but when I tell him maybe its time we could go to the adult store and pick up a movie he gets real shaky and excited. Should I be worried about this behavior. Do you think it's time to move on? I understand that a lot of guys like looking at young girls but when is too much.

Boyfriends Porn

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 20:14:12 +0100

Hi, Really hope someone reads and replies to this as im not sure what to do.
Basicly iv been with my bloke 3 years, when i met him he told me he had porn, i was not at all happy about this and told him in no uncertain terms several times. I remember it coming up in conversation about a year later when he told me he had not used it since meeting me. Fair enough all forgot about.
A couple of months ago we moved in together after talking about doing it for over a year. I went snooping on his computor and guess what a whole folder jam packed full of porn! I have been very upsett since finding this and feel similar to what other people on hear have been saying. Whats wrong with me? Why does he need this when he has me? etc etc.
The problem i have is that i dont think he will give it up, he has lied to me about it before and has obviously put it all on computer to stop me finding it. Also if i tell him how i feel he will know i have been checking up on him (with good reason) I dont see how i can carry on knowing it is there and he must look at it when im out, but i love him very much.

my boyfriend is lying about his porn collection

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 11:56:14 +0000

HI there. I see that lots of women are going through this problem. I just don't understand men at all. Why do men in so called "happy relationships" that are supposedly "in love" look at porn? I think they are sick and disturbed and i think it is cheating.
I am by no means a prude. I love sex. but I do not think it is at all appropriate for a boyfriend or a husband to be looking at that stuff and especially LYING about it. I have been with mine since Aug 04, we broke up for 5 months and have been back together since Aug 06. We started having problems when I found his porn stash in Oct 05 and confronted him about it. NOw when we first started dating I flat out asked him do you have any porn? OH no he said. I don't look at that stuff.

My guitar magazines are my porn. So I dropped it. He knows that I am a very jealous person and that i am trying to curb it. So when I found the 2 boxes under his bed some with current dates (mags) I was severely pissed. He said he had tried to give them to his friends. Whatever. He was extremely mad that I snooped through his room. Well he was only mad because he got caught. I'm not stupid. So anyway just tonight I found 2 brand new May 2007 issues tucked under his mattress (along with tons of older ones) Since we got back together, everything has been amazing. Our sex life is great, we don't fight. SO WHAT THE HELL??????????? It is cheating. I consider it cheating as he is staring at another naked woman and that is not part of the deal. I am the only naked one he should be staring at and that's it. I think it is sick and gross and of course,