Partner Therapy Group - Sex Problems for Men

Case Story for Loss of Sexual Desire in Men

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 19:01:19 +0000

John and Jane came to see me together. The immediate problem was that Jane, aged 38 years, urgently wanted a baby. John, who was 43, was willing to have a child but was completely ‘off’ sex. They had not had sexual intercourse for more than a year. However, John described himself as being turned on by other women - but he chose to stay faithful to Jane.

Jane’s childhood was spent in a loving family where physical warmth and emotional expression were freely given and received. At school Jane was a high achiever and went on to university after which she made a succesful career as a journalist. In her adolescence Jane's Father, who was a Doctor, developed bouts of intense anger. Jane found this very frightening, although the anger was directed towards her Mother. She remembered that her Mother always gave in to her Father on these occasions.

John’s childhood was more difficult. There were long periods when his Father was absent from home. Emotions were constrained and little physical affection was shown him by his Mother. He, like Jane, was highly successful at school and university where he gained a good History degree. It was at university that John and Jane met. John was very taken with the easy going affection that Jane showed and Jane loved him for his quiet steadiness and attentiveness to her. They were constant companions, sexually excited and satisfied by one another.

Treatment for Loss of Sexual Desire in Men

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 16:57:26 +0000

If you have noticed a change in your level of sexual desire, it may be a normal effect of stress or tiredness, chronic pain and illness, or simply that you are getting older. Loss of a close relative or loved on is a very natural reason to lose sexual desire.

Loss of desire in these cases, except for during bereavement, can be improved by increasing the time you spend thinking about sex, inventing some new fantasies, trying new things with your partner,and masturbating more often, but not so often that your ability to be sexual in other ways is impaired. During bereavement, you just have to wait until your mourning is over.

If you are in a relationship, it is really important to talk things over with your partner. There may be hidden anger or resentment which are the commonest reasons for reduced desire with a partner. If your partner is angry with you, you may pick it up at an unconscious level, and be affected by it. If you are angry with your partner, the same thing can happen. Partners often blame themselves, thinking they are no longer attractive to you, or that you don't love them any more.

If talking to each other is too difficult, a therapist could help you get the ball rolling.

Treatment for Premature Ejaculation

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 18:48:18 +0000

The first part of overcoming Premature Ejaculation is thinking about the situation and how it is affecting you. Think what makes it better or worse, and any self help you have tried. It can be useful to talk over your previous sexual history with a therapist. Family traditions and ideas about sex may also be important.

One thing to remember is that usually there is nothing wrong with the penis.

Once the underlying causes of the difficulty have been addressed your therapist may prescribe sex therapy exercises, with special training work for ejaculation. These will be slightly different according to whether you have a partner willing to join in the therapy or not. The two main techniques for therapy are the Squeeze Technique and the Stop Start Technique.

There are various drugs which can help with this problem, and using them alongside the practical techniques can be really effective. Sometimes the medication on its own can be enough.

Medication for Premature Ejaculation

Case Story for Premature Ejaculation

Premature Ejaculation

Sex Problems for Men

Case Story for Fear of Penetration in Men

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 11:58:32 +0000

Greg is a 24 year old with a lifelong fear of sexual penetration. Ever since he became aware of his own sexuality he has known that he has not wanted to have intercourse. He says that he is heterosexual and that all his fantasies are about women. He can masturbate to these and has had a series of girlfriends - with whom he has been sexually active. He can achieve penetration, but is aware of a general anxiety that sweeps over him. He says that he prefers his girlfriend to masturbate him with her hand, or that they masturbate themselves in from of each other.

He and his partner Joanna want to get married and start a family. Greg wants to deal with his problem. Joanna thinks that Greg is frightened of being intimate with her, and possibly not wanting to make a commitment to marriage. Greg denies thus, and they have both argued a lot about this before coming to see a therapist.

Treatment for Fear of Penetration in Men

Fear of Penetration

Sex Problems for Men

Treatment for Painful Sex in Men

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 11:55:48 +0000

If the pain has a medical cause, the the treatment may be a combination of medical and psychological approaches. We are not describing all the medical treatments on this web site, but if you want to mail us we will answer your questions. Click on "contact us" on the side bar.

The first step in treatment is to try to discover the reasons for the pain, so a sexual, relationship, and life history will be discussed.
Sometimes body tension causes pain, and Relaxation Training can help.
Deeper reasons may be helped by Self Hypnosis, which may also be effective as pain control.
Most men experiencing painful sex will be helped by Sex Therapy and a therapist will be able to guide you through it at a pace suited to you and tailored to your own particular needs.

Case Story for Painful Sex in Men

Painful Sex or Dyspareunia in Men

Sex Problems for Men

Sex Addiction

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 19:14:02 +0000

Sex can become an obsession, compulsion or addiction, and can be used like any other addictive substance such as alcohol or drugs, to alter your state of mind. Sex makes us feel better, partly because it reduces anxiety, causes a surge of hormones, and feels pleasurable. When the need for those effects becomes a powerful driving force in a person's life, then the possibility of developing an addiction arises.

People become addicted to a range of sexual activites, such as visiting prostitutes and sex shows, masturbating, with or without using pornography, compulsively seeking love and relationships, fantasising about sex rather than living life in the present.

It is very common that sex addicts become addicted to other substances or compulsive behaviours to mask or to support the sex addiction, which is often their main and primary addiction. Alcohol, drugs, and gambling are examples of other addictions which may be used in this way.

The addictive behaviour can become strictly ritualised, and days or weeks may be spent planning the next event or activity. Once it has been acted out, the compulsion subsides for a while, and then the mind starts planning the next one, and the cycle starts over again.

How childbirth changes a couple's relationship

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 11:43:01 +0000

Now there are three of you and you have become a family, many aspects of your relationship are likely to change. Your status within your wider family and friends will be affected, and people who are not parents may find it odd that you seem so preoccupied with your child. This may change your friendships and social life. As you walk in the street with a baby, people like to stop and admire him or her. This can feel very supportive, or at times a bit of a nuisance.

Between you there will be much less private time, and less energy for your relationship. Intimacy may be more difficult, and sex may be on the back burner. The importance of communicating, understanding and accepting what cannot be changed about the situation cannot be stressed enough! At least you can remind yourselves that with a baby everything is "only a phase", as things change so fast.

It is important for the two of you to get private time away from the baby as soon as you can, even if it is only an hour to go for a walk. If the baby sleeps with you at first, make sure that when your child has his or her own room that you teach them about the importance of your privacy, and the meaning of a closed door. Some parents prefer to give the children free and open access to them at all times, and are not concerned for their privacy.

Impact of Fatherhood

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 11:40:14 +0000

Becoming a Father can take some men by surprise. They may look forward to it and share the pregnancy and birth every step of the way and be fully emotionally part of it. They may be astonished at the emotional depths they experience with this tiny scrap of humanity, and feel a connection with the child from the outset.

Others may be distanced from the process, feeling left out and that it is not really anything to do with them. They may resent the way their life is taken over, and feel jealous of the attention given to the baby. Thay may miss the warmth and closeness from the woman and hate to see it going to the child. They may also feel ashamed of these feelings and try to keep them secret.

For some men the sense of responsibility is very strong and at times unbearable. A nursing mother is vulnerable and emotionally needy, and this may seem unreasonable and unfair. This can give rise to feeling trapped, and a desperate wish to escape.

For some fathers, presence at the birth is difficult to deal with. it can seem physically frightening, even alarming, and a father who decides it is not for him should not be pressurised into being there. It can have an impact on how a man perceives his partner's sexuality, and her sexual parts. He may find it hard to feel sexual towards her in the future.

FAQs on Sex and Disability

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 19:14:33 +0000

Will I be able to have/bear children? Am I fertile/potent?
If you were fertile before the accident, then unless you testicles or ovaries are damaged, you will be fertile now. If you are not able to have an erection or ejaculate, there are ways of helping you become a father. A woman may need help to deliver the baby if her pelvis has been damaged.

I am depressed at the loss of my sexuality; is this normal, and do people get over this?
Yes it is normal to feel depressed if you believe you have lost your sexual ability. Over time you may find ways of getting sexual pleasure that are not yet happening. People do get over things, though they do not think they ever will.

Will this affect the hormonal balance in my body; will this accident change who I am hormonally?
An accident of itself does not affect the sex hormone balance, but any trauma will affect all the body's systems a bit.

Explain to me what has changed to my ejaculate.
It has probably become thinner and less in quantity, due to nerve damage.

Why can I still have an erection though I have no sensation? Why is it that I can ejaculate at the slightest erotic stimulation? How has my orgasm changed?

Case Story for Erection Problems or Impotence

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 15:35:58 +0000

Peter, age 47, is a highly paid and highly successful journalist, who has noticed a gradual reduction in the hardness of his erections over the past 2 years. Then, 6 weeks ago, after a particularly difficult argument with Edward, his partner of 7 years, he found himself unable to have an erection at all, and his morning erections stopped.

His doctor found he had high blood pressure, which might have caused the reduced hardness, but Peter was told that the sudden change was probably due to psychological causes, and sent him to a therapist.

During discussions with the therapist, Peter began to see that for some time he had been hiding resentment from Edward. He felt that expressing anger was a bad thing in a loving relationship, although Edward had no problem expressing his anger to Peter. This difference had led to a build up of bad feelings, and was the cause of the argument. Because of Peter's belief that expressing anger was wrong, he now felt very guilty, which could easily have caused the loss of erections.

The therapist suggested he discuss the matter with Edward, who was very understanding, and apologised for not realising how hurtful his anger had been. As a couple, they came to an agreement about the most fair way of letting each other know if they were feeling angry or upset.

Sex Information for Men

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 14:45:55 +0000

In men, hormone levels usually go down very gradually from a peak in late teens onwards. In some men, a quicker drop in their late fifties leads to symptoms like the menopause in women. These can be hot flushes, aches and pains in joints, loss of energy, including libido, and a sense of slowing up mentally.

The Sexual Response in Men is affected. Erections come less easily and less often. They are less hard, and once they have gone down are more difficult to get back. Orgasms are less intense and rhythmic spasms of the muscles are over quicker. The amount of semen is less and the refractory period after orgasm is longer. While the need to ejaculate is less intense, sexual satisfaction amongst older men is often said to be good. The ability to continue being sexual certainly remains an important part of the older man’s self-image..

The frequency of sexual activity goes down with age but is very varied. Men who start having sex early in life are more likely to go on till late in life. The amount of sexual activity depends on having or getting a partner. The longer a couple have been together the less sex they have.

Sex Information for Men

[Sex Problems for Me

Case Story for Disability and Illness

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 19:17:23 +0000

Joe was a professional photographer, working for a magazine, when at the age of 44, he became aware of weakness in his arms and legs, and pain in his eyes on occasion. He was devastated, after several investigations, to be told that he had Multiple Sclerosis.

Joe and his wife, Jean, had had an active and good sex life until then. A few weeks after the diagnosis, Joe began to experience either partial erections, or could not perform at all. This was a very embarassing and difficult situation for both. After some months of struggling with the problem, they decided on seeing a sex therapist. Once the therapist had ascertained that Joe still had morning erections, and was aware of feelings of arousal, when wanting to make love to Jean, it was felt that the impotence was probably due more to his anxiety and panic at his diagnosis, and what the future held, than caused by the MS itself.

The therapist placed a ban on penetration for some weeks, and suggested various ways of spending time together, caressing, exploring each other's bodies, and generally relaxing with each other. This brought about the desired effect, removing the pressure to perform for Joe, and he discovered that he had erections while doing the 'exercises' with Jean. Over the ensuing weeks, using a graduated programme, they built up towards full intercourse, and after about 8 weeks, the ban was removed, and Joe discovered that he could perform just as well as before.

Psychological Treatment for Erection Problems

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 17:41:44 +0100

The psychological causes of erection difficulties are most often related to fear of failure, performance pressure and anxiety. There may be relationship stresses which make the problem worse. You really need to see a therapist for psychological treatment.

The first stage is to understand all the things which are causing the problem. There is often more than one cause. As far as possible, it is better to be seen with your partner if you have one, as it is much easier to overcome the psychological causes with the help of a partner. This is especially so where the problem only happens in the relationship.

Once the causes are understood, the next steps will be agreed with the therapist. Sometimes there are Sexual Abuse issues to be managed. Relationship stresses may need to be resolved. Any unrealistic expectations will have to be changed.

In the end, the most effective treatment will probably be sex therapy, but at first you may not be ready for it. Your therapist will guide you through it, and deal with any obstacles along the way.
A userful book is The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilebergeld

Getting Help

Erection Problems

Sex Problems for Men

Online Counselling

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 18:52:46 +0000

Counselling by e-mail and chat or web conferencing is now well established as a useful way of getting help. The results are as good as, and in some cases better than, face to face, and many people prefer the anonymity of it. Also, it is usually cheaper than face to face counselling. You will not meet your counsellor or therapist unless you decide together to do so.

Your first step is to mail the counsellor of your choice and ask if they are available and willing to take you as a client. Sometimes they may refuse if they have a heavy caseload, or feel the issue you want to deal with is beyond their expertise.

The counsellor will then tell you their terms and conditions, what they will charge and what they will do for your money! and how and when you should pay. Any counsellor will be happy to answer questions about qualifications and training, codes of ethics and practice, what professional bodies they belong to and anything else about their professional status. They are most unlikely to answer any personal questions! Your counsellor will often ask for your real name, address, date of birth, and your doctor's name and address, in case of emergency.

To begin counselling, you will have to explain your problem and answer questions from the counsellor, some of which may seem unrelated, but there will be a good reason behind any question. If you really have to think about your answers, that is good. In counselling, it is generally the client who has to do the thinking. Your counsellor will not have the answers for you! You may be given tasks to fulfil, and books or articles may be useful for you to read. There may be web sites the counsellor can reccommend you to visit. Sometimes just telling somebody helps you to see your own way forward.

Stop Start Technique

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 11:25:10 +0000

Overcoming Premature Ejaculation takes time and effort, but should be almost entirely successful, as there is usually nothing wrong with the penis. It is caused by anxiety and lack of attention to what the penis needs. Often there are other worries too, about pleasing the partner, being discovered and feeling embarrassed, or ashamed. You may like to see a therapist to help with these aspects.

Set aside three 20 minute slots each week, when you can be private and uninterrupted.
First masturbate very slowly, noticing carefully what sensations you get in your penis at the increasing levels of arousal before you are ready to come.
At the point just before you would come, stop touching and wait for the intense arousal to go down. You may lose the erection, but you will get it back. If you were too late stopping, and came, try again later, and stop a little earlier in the arousal.
Repeat three times, then allow yourself to come.
Do this three times a week, and after three weeks you should notice some improvement. Carry on, and you will overcome your problem.

Sex Therapy

Squeeze Technique

Premature Ejaculation

Sex Problems for Men

Getting Help