Home » forums » Gay Issues and Problems

Can I accept my boyfriend's past?

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 17/06/2005 - 13:53. Gay Issues and Problems

My boyfriend of 6 months has been honest with me from the start. He is 20 years older than me at 49 and whilst his relationship history has been solely with women, his sexual history includes several (about 7) drunken encounters with men, including full sex, BJs, tranvestitism, etc etc.
He says he is not bi-sexual and that these were purely drunken, exploring, almost self-destructive acts involving no intimacy or feelings on his part. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 3 years. He is also in recovery for internet addiction (BDSM sites) and has not acted out for a year.
I know I shouldnt but I cant help feeling bothered by this side of his past. I am trying to accept him for who he is and accept that no-one is purely hetero but I am scared that I will not be enough for him longterm, and that actually part of him does fancy other men (which is obviously a need that i cannot fulfil).
What does anyone else think? Would I be naive to think that he is telling me the truth and doesnt secretly crave gay further experiences? Would other women be able to handle having a boyfriend with a similar sexual history? Should I be keen to explore BDSM with him (which he wants to do in the context of our loving relationship) or would it be wiser to steer clear of anything that might trigger "relapse" feelings for him?

» login to post comments | previous forum topic | next forum topic

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

Recovering from addictions

Submitted by mpramage on Sat, 18/06/2005 - 09:42.

Thank you for this interesting question. From the way you have worded it I think you have already recognised a lot of what this is about, and I am probably going to confirm what you actually know.
Your boyfriend has a history of addictions, which he has been honest about. Addiction of any kind is partly using intensity to change the brain chemistry and get a buzz, and an addict who is using seeks that out in whatever form it can be found. The past sexual activity falls into this category, and means little in terms of his healthy sexuality and who he really is. It was about excitement and the consequent avoidance of some internal pain. You would know from his history what the internal pain might relate to.
This would indicate that as long as he stays 'clean' he won't be craving these sexual activites, and you have nothing to worry about. At the same time, you have realised that BDSM for him may have a triggering effect, and I agree with you that if you decide to experiment with it together, it could interfere with the healthy sexuality that you seem to have at present. With the average couple it is neither here nor there, but he would need to be very aware of his responses to it and what they might signal.

» login to post comments