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BF can only ejaculate through oral sex

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 04/06/2005 - 19:29. Sex Problems for Men

20194.1

My bf and i are both 28 and have been together for almost 2 years. He only comes through oral sex. He tends to prefer doggy style too - I think it is because he takes so long and is trying to concentrate on the sex.

He wants to try anal sex (i'm guessing he has come through that before perhaps). I'm not so keen on it, but am warming up to the idea.

I haven't asked him so much about his history yet because I was worried about causing further performance anxiety.

When a man can orgasm from a woman giving him oral sex but not through intercourse - does this tend to have a psychological or physical cause? Does it seem it is b/c he isn't attracted to me (haven't had that problem before and am fit etc)?

He is very sexually aggressive and inititates often - he also stays hard the whole time and has not problem getting an erection.

We do have some relationship stress now but this started before then. He recently told though that he feels I have control of the relationship - which I dont feel. I 'll try to delve into this more.

Any thoughts? Does this sound like a treatable version? What's going on?

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Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Submitted by mpramage on Sun, 05/06/2005 - 18:19.

He has a form of Situational Retarded Ejaculation, when he can orgasm in some circumstances and not in others. The causes are both physical and psychological. Often the man with this problem can only ejaculate with more vigorous stimulation than the vagina can offer, hence the wish for anal sex in your boyfriend's case. Sometimes the man can use masturbation to train his penis to respond to lighter stimulus and sometimes he can't.
Another possibility is that face to face intercourse is too intimate for him, and he pefers not to see your face, so oral and doggy feel safer for him. I would guess that there are intimacy issues here, and note that you are protective of him, not wanting to make him feel bad. Have you picked up some vulnerability in him around this matter?

You say he has to really concentrate on the sex, which makes me wonder how relational your sexual encounters are. If they are pretty much unemotional, then an important part of what makes sex work is missing. Without the emotions, the newness and excitement are dropping off after 2 years and sex gets harder. Usually once there is commitment and history, lovemaking has to change too.
The relationship issues are probably having an impact too.
When someone feels controlled it usually is a sign that they do not feel free to be themselves, whether because of the other person's behaviour or not. For some, just having a relationship can feel constraining and the sacrifices they have to make to be in the relationship can feel like a lot! All relationships demand sacrifices, but usually the benefits outweigh the cost, or why would we do it?
I think the two of you need to talk all this over so you really understand t a deeper level what is going on for each of you.

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thanks

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 05/06/2005 - 21:20.

This is very helpful advice.

I think you are right on a few angles. I want to bring up and start this much needed conversation.

I guess i want to make sure I use an approach which will not lead to defensiveness too. Please let me know if you have any thoughts on method?
Thanks again.

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we spoke

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 06/06/2005 - 07:52.

We spoke - I think the issues are psychological.

He said he actually doesn't masturbate - that was the most interesting discovery. I'm not sure it makes it easier to find a solution. I told him I would like to work on intimacy in the relationship, being more open with dialogue etc. I think the key now is making the relationship better, improving it.

What do you make of the fact that he doesn't masturbate?

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Non-masturbation

Submitted by mpramage on Mon, 06/06/2005 - 09:11.

Some people don't but it is unusual. The great thing about masturbation is that it gives time and freedom to explore and develop sexual feelings and sensations without the pressure os another person being present. It is a really important part of learning to use the body confidently in sex. Without that as a resource sex becomes more difficult, but that is a choice people are free to make. Sometimes religious taboos make it impossible, or family attitudes are against it.

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thanks again

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 06/06/2005 - 10:04.

Perhaps I should suggest that he start masturbating (ironic treatment for this)? But, it does demonstrate something about sex and taboos. Perhaps I should try to understand this altogether and may find value here.

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