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Tears after Sex

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 19/05/2005 - 21:03. Sex Problems for Women

I've been going through a problem for a long time now, maybe a year or so now. I've been in the same relationship for about three years and I've been relatively happy.

When I was 15, I went out with an ex and three other friends of ours. During the course of the day, my ex bought me a drink and I thoguht ntohing about what he may have done with it, but later on I felt dizzy and drunk. I'm not sure exactly what happened to me, but I woke up in his room and he was trying to have intercourse with me. I was too weak to move, but was aware he was touching me and I could hear his voice almost taunting me. When I came round fully, I was so confused I just left and called my parents to pick me up, and went home. I've never told anyone about this, I was scared to talk to anyone. I almost protected him by not telling anyone what he did.

I had nightmares about it for a few months, and they lessened as a year went on, and finally I allowed myself to be involved with a new boyfriend. I eventually told him about what happened and he seemed angry at my ex for it. I've had trouble since breaking up with him too, and I met him one day "as a friend" for "a walk" and he suddenly tried to force me to give him oral sex by forcing me down and holding the respective organ in my mouth. I got away from him, and was shaken up for a while, and never spoke to anyone about it.

By this time I viewed myself very poorly, and I'm not a very confident girl anyway. I dont know why I didnt stand up for myself, I should have. I've explained this so maybe I can get some help from people on here. Here's my problem.

This stuff from my past has faded, although I still have dreams and I dream about my current boyfriend raping me. I try and ignore these dreams, and generally I cope with everything. But we hardly have sex, I'm afraid of it. Not because I'm afraid of him, but because whenever he's finished I cant help but cry, sometimes hysterically. I try to hide it, I can imagine how distressing it must be for him to see me react this way to him making love to me. I'm 20 now, so its 5 years after the first event and I hoped it would have meant I stopped crying after having sex. Strangely, I didnt cry or feel this way after sex with the second boyfriend, just my current one, which is really odd.

It seems like such a minor thing to worry about but I dont want this to be the same forever, I feel I've found the person I want to settle down with. I have talked to my boyfriend about this sometimes, but I'm a private person about certain things and dont like to talk about it. I want to give him what he wants, to make him happy and proud of me. Maybe I even want approval from him in a sexual way. But doing these acts of lvoe for him makes me unhappy and I often end up crying for a long time afterwards. Sometimes I cry without knowing why because I dont feel anything. I know my boyfriend wont leave me yet because he isnt getting as much sex as he wants, he's a good person. But people have desires, its ahrd to be understanding when you arent getting things you want isnt it?

I've had two different therapists for other problems, because I am depressed and take antidepressants for this. I have gotten close to wanting to pour my heart out about my rape experience to councellors, but I stop seeing them when I reach this point, maybe out of fear. I am sure the only way forward is to get this kind of help, but I wondered if anyone else can suggest why I keep crying and wanting to avoid sex still, even though I dont dwell on what happened that much. I know its probably linked to what happened to me, and I realise I sound naiive.

I feel really lost. I dont feel like I'll ever make my boyfriend as happy as I should be able to. I do love him and I do want to sleep with him, and I can have sex without being scared until the end when he is finished. I also noticed I get upset when I orgasm, so I dread it, and halfway through having one I try and supress it.

Can anyone give me any feedback? I'm interested to see what people say. I've spent the last few hours reading all the topics that might be similar to mine, but I havent really found anything like this yet, so sorry if I waste everyones time.

Thanks for reading my long winded topic.

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You need to get help. I had

Submitted by kittysaysroar on Wed, 19/12/2007 - 04:52.

You need to get help. I had ALOT of sexual trauma. I've been raped 7 times sense I was 18 (I'm 21 now), I was molested as a child, and I was severely sexually harassed to the point of attempted rape as a child. I had alot of issues I was ignoreing. THen I ruined a relationship because of my subconsious trying to deal with these things. I didn't think they effected me at all, but they did. You at least need to start talking about it. Once I started talking, I found that I couldn't stop. It was this strange un-emotional talk, but it still got it out there. Take it slow, start by hinting at it ect until you are able to actually talk about it. But get it out of your system.

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Tears and Sex

Submitted by mpramage on Fri, 20/05/2005 - 18:07.

Thank you for your posting, as there are others like you out there who will be glad to know they are not alone. Although there is nothing in the site about this, it is something I have come across quite a lot.
It is happening as a direct result of the trauma you suffered, as you have outlined. Your body is remembering the emotional pain and distress each time you get into a sexual situation. It is reminding you of the past trauma and the danger that you faced. In the circumstances, it shows that all your self-defensive mechanisms are in good order. Unfortunately, they are also preventing you from enjoyng happy and free sex with the partner you love and want to be with.
It can be helped, but you will need to see a sex therapist who understands both sexual avoidance and trauma. Usually the therapist will want to know some of what happened, and once a clear picture has been built up, and you have learned some techniques to calm yourself under stress, you will start on a slow and gentle programme of sex therapy, with your partner. You need his help to overcome this, as it is only in relationship to him that the upset occurs, and just talking about it isn't going to do the trick.
When you have got through this, you can be the person you want to be!

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Thanks for replying...

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 21/05/2005 - 01:01.

I have noticed I feel like its my place to be dominated; that seems a logical result from the trauma I experienced. But I encourage it in my partner and other people now and I sometimes feel a little confused when I am not dominated. I almost feel like I'm not good enough to be dominated by someone else.... It's difficult to explain... but I almost find it reassuring when I am dominated, the control taken from me. Which goes against how I think I ought to feel. I would expect to crave control, to make up for the control I've lost forever over one situation. Does that make sense?

I'm uncomfortable about seeking help about this in a physical sense - sitting in a room with someone listening is harder to deal with than writing it all down for me. I will look into getting some help, that never hurts and I can take my time at my own pace. I want to ask my partner for his support but I dont know if he'd help me, because he is also very private and shy about our relationship and our sex life. He has never said he wants more sex, but sometimes he teases me about it at times and I tell him I'd rather it wasnt happening. I hoped he'd understand but sometimes I wonder if he wants to or just thinks I'm being silly... this said, I dont believe he is trying to make me feel bad on purpose.

Thank you for replying to this, I'm very confused and I try and belittle my feelings alot, I recognise this. I figured myself that seeing a sex therapist was the only way to help this problem, and I am a little nervous about initiating and going through with therapy. It feels so hopeless, I know it's not. But it still feels that way alot of the time. I have other things to worry about besides my sex life though it is a root of my unhappiness so it must be a key part of growing and moving forward.

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