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My boyfriend has too much history ...

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 12/04/2005 - 12:30. Gay Issues and Problems

Hi. I have been with my b/f for 8 months now and we are a fantastically strong couple - but his past keeps getting in the way for me.

He has been on the scene for 12 years now whereas I only started going last year. Understandably, he has met guys out there, some of whom are ex-shags, mates who are into casual sex, and a couple of ex-partners.

There is a considerable age gap between me and my b/f. My b/f is in his early 40s. He likes younger guys. But last night we were out and we met a guy who my b/f had a fling with 18 months ago. He was 19 when my b/f met him. This guy was rubbing my face in it, talking about what great sex he had with him, all the stuff they did. It made me feel sick to the core. At the same time, I was scared to intervene or say anything to him because he had a very dominating personality and by the sounds of it is prone to violence. My b/f didn't notice any of this, he was too flattered by the attention he was receiving. That's not his fault because he has a low self-esteem. Needless to say we ended up arguing last night, and very nearly broke up.

I'm worried how my b/f ever shacked up with this guy. Both of his ex's were in their early twenties when he met them, and both of them are basically emotionally confused people. I am also in my early twenties. I have this awful feeling deep inside that my b/f goes for emotionally immature men in their twenties - I hate to use this word, but targets them in a sense. I don't know whether this is right. I don't know if I'm one of those emotionally immature people.

There is so much I love about this guy. We are both intelligent guys and we get on really well, but I am inexperienced on the scene and I don't think I can cope with this situation. I asked my b/f if we could just leave the scene and do other stuff. He won't have it. He says he's made enough sacrifices since he met me, and now I was trying to take away his social life. He said I want someone who is whiter than white and I am unrealistic in what I expect. He said it was out of his control who he meets on the scene. He said we should be strong enough as a couple to deal with this sort of thing.

But the truth is I'm scared to go out there again not knowing which ex-shag/bf/fling I'm going to meet next, and how badly we will argue about it, and whether there will still be a relationship in the morning.

I told my b/f that I was not thick-skinned, that I am hypersensitive about this stuff - and he agreed. But nothing happens. He still expects to go out on the scene next time we're out. I have this awful feeling that my b/f never wants to leave the scene. He will paper over this stuff by being positive, but I am starting to think that deep down he wants the scene, although he professes to be a relationship guy.

ADVICE PLEASE! x

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You are worth much more.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 06/06/2005 - 10:34.

From the way you write I have a sense that you are a very caring and loving person. Not just to your partner, but to everyone you know and come into contact with. I also get the feeling that what you're really looking for at this stage is someone who will give you as much love back as you've given to everyone else. If this is true I think you should really consider whether your current partner is really the person who can give this to you. I feel he isn't. You deserve much more. Don't be afraid to let go and look elsewhere, there is more than just the scene. The most meaningful friendships/relationships I've ever made has been in community organisations and the social groups within. You may have invested 8 months, but if will you waste 8 more to discover it can't work out? There's someone else for you, who will be intelligent and appeal to you in all the right ways, his self esteem will be fulfilled simply because he's going out with you, and he will value beyond measure. Trust me. Perhaps I'm an idealistic 21 yo. Let me know. Chookas ;)

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Imbalance in relationship

Submitted by mpramage on Tue, 12/04/2005 - 20:43.

This is a very uncomfortable situation, and I think your 40 year old partner is having a real problem with his age and his identity. This I say only as a response to your own observations. He may not be emotionally able to have the sort of relationship you seem to be seeking. I am sorry to be so blunt, but you have seen how it is. His need to be on the scene is greater than his wish to be in relationship, although that is something which he clearly aspires to.
Having a relationship certainly involves sacrifices, which are usually made gladly because of the benefits of the relationship. If he feels he has reached his limit on that score, you need to assess the situation for yourself and decide if your needs for intimacy can be met here.

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We have since decided that my

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 13/04/2005 - 13:17.

We have since decided that my b/f should go out on the scene with a friend whom I trust implicitly. This reduces the potential for arguments.

Believe me when I say we have been through some hard times involving bereavement, and we have got through it together. But it seems to be this one issue, going out on the scene which is a problem for us. Otherwise we have so much going for us that it would be foolish to leave behind 8 months commitment when we have so much going for us.

P.s. My b/f is very trustworthy and there are no issues regarding faithfulness which is why I trust him to go out on the scene without me as long as he is with a friend of ours.

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What??

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 14/04/2005 - 06:29.

If you ask me, it sounds like you are jealous. Jealousy is a powerful thing. "as long as he is with a friend of ours" does not match too well with "I trust him to go out". If my partner went out somewhere I would trust them completely. HOWEVER, I don't know if I would feel the same way if I knew that the place they were going was filled with previous partners (of any kind - b/f, whatever).

If your in a serious relationship you have the right to feel secure. If you don't feel secure, then your partner should do whatever is reasonable to make you feel that way. If they don't, then maybe you are taking a back seat to more important things. In which case, you deserve better.

I can't help but detect a hint that you feel inferior in this relationship. The way you describe him, you seem to build him up on a pedestal. Be careful of feelings like those, they will cause you to sacrifice yourself, by not standing up for your rights and your feelings. You deserve better.

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I see what you're saying but ...

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 15/04/2005 - 12:19.

Well you have to be a realist about these things - I can't simply give up everything we've worked for because he doesn't meet some of my criteria for the ideal partner.

Nor do I mean to put him up on a pedestal. He has faults of his own.

To be honest I have just walked past the gay bars in my home city and I felt repelled - I am just scared of going out there again because of the psychological challenges it presents. Is that symptomatic of jealousy? No it's something else. Actually it's to do with my own ego and self-esteem. I get uncomfortable and angry when ex's don't keep their distance and respect the boundaries. I know, people get drunk, some people are just over-exuberant. It's easy to mistake me and my b/f for two mates if you don't know we are an item.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll end up breaking up with him over this. I feel like I can be everything I want to be with my partner, but the scene is for single people primarily, and so it does not sit easily with close relationships.

Am I being too precious? I do want a partner who loves me, and he does; but he is a stick in the mud over some things. I think it would be folly to throw it away. It has been hard finding someone who I really like and understand, and here is that person ...

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I'm Sorry..

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 16/04/2005 - 11:37.

I did not mean to be so brutal in my earlier post. It sounds like you have already made up your mind. But how do you feel about this? Even though you have decided it's ok for him to go to the scene with trusted friends, won't you still feel bad when it happens? What is it going to be like over time when those feelings build up?

Yes, you have 8 months invested, but if he really cared about you and put you first, he would understand that going to singles clubs is not a good idea when your involved with someone.

Of course he is going to belittle you when you confront him about this. He wants to go to the scene and you don't want him to. He knows it's wrong, so he pushes the blame onto you by saying "I have already given up enough because of you" kind of thing. I would not give this any weight. It is not worth the paper it is printed on. If you feel strongly about this issue (and I can't blame you), then your relationship should be strong enough to tell him.

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