Finally met the woman of my dreams...but I'm married!

Relationship Problems

I've been married to my a wonderful woman for 10 years & we have a 17 month old son, the best kid anyone could ask for. Problem is that, while she's a wonderful person, we're basically incompatible. We just don't like the same things and fight quite frequently.

Recently, I've met the woman of my dreams and am rapidly falling for her, and I think she's feeling it too. I think about her all the time, we're so unbelievably alike & compatible that it's scary. We've become close friends in a very short time and have developed a level of trust in each other that goes beyond anyone I've ever known...even my wife.

What do I do!!?? The thought of hurting my wife is bad enough, but how horrible must I be to even be THINKING about leaving my little boy?!!?!

This is absolutely tearing me up inside. Advice, anyone?

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Woman of my dreams

Keep calm. I know exactly where you're coming from. I have been with my husband for 13 years, we have the same aged baby and I am desperately in love with my 'dream girl'. I understand the madness, you cannot believe you are considering it and it's impossible to tell which is reality and which is fantasy. Take a deep breath and give yourself time. Weigh up all the options. Listen to both your heart and head and then step back and look at your situation as if you were a stranger. For me it seems an impossible choice but I am sure that time will tell and that one way or another one path will become clear. It's important to keep calm, strong and clear - sort yourself our first - who and what you want so that any decision you make is when you are on form and not one of desperate need. I empathise hugely.

Finally met the woman of my dreams..but...

The problem with all this is simple. Think back to past relationships...usually, we are on cloud 9 in the beginning stages of the relationship. The newness of it, boasts our self-worth and sends our spirits souring. Then, a month, 6 months, a year, 3 years...etc goes by and those feelings are faded or not as strong. Sometimes, I think people may go outside their relationships because of boredom or low self-esteem. They forget that in a new relationship, at the end of the day there will still be garbage to take out, a rent/mortgage payment to pay and everyday life procedures.
Another thing is sometimes we may have other things that are bothering us, so we turn to the affair to ease this pain or anxiety. I believe part of being married also comes with the acceptance that life is life - generally, it's pretty mundane. We cannot go into a marriage with the idea that magic will happen everyday. I think if you can remember good times that you've shared and try to compare how you would feel if you no longer shared any good times, that might help. Sometimes it's easy to forget the good times and easier to remember the negative times. Last but not least, I think the fact that you are searching for love elsewhere indicates something is wrong. Perhaps you are bored, have depression or anxiety issues? Perhaps you are self-concious. I think there's something more driving this. I hope this helps. Good luck

Looking at it from the "Dream Girls's" view

I can simpathize with what you are going through because I am someone's Dream Girl, and he is making the same decision as you. Let me tell you something the reason that most men and woman go outside thier marriage for companionship or just sex is because something is not right at home. YES!! it is just that simple. I was smart and got out of my marriage and got divorced quickly, men seem to get suckered back by guilt as if they should stay and be treated like crap. The longer the marriage is the more likely it is that the other spouse will get lasy in regards to tending to the "needs" of the other. You will no longer be interested in pleasing eachother just getting it overwith, the Dream Girl is interested. Regardless if it lastes or not, she makes him feel alive. For everyone that says that he should stay because he has a child and he took a vow, well she said she would make him happy, she's not!!!! and if that child is raised in a home that parents are not happy it will reflect in how that child reacts to social situations. Kids are not stupid, they know more than you think. Also if he continues to have this affair or others that this child will see, maybe not see the woman, but he will see the behavior of the dad and learn to treat women in the same manner. It is always better to leave a marriage that has no love in it, than to stay for all the wrong reasons.

I Know Exactly where you are at.

About 4 years ago I met the woman that was really my soul mate. I left my wife at the time for her. 4 Years later the dream has since busted, the same problems (well different, but still problems) are happening. I miss my two girls terribly (she won't even let me see them). And here I sit!!!

My first wife tried everything she knew to get me to come back to her. She even resorted to stalking me. When she realized she was not going to get me back she filed for divorce with an order of protection (claiming that I am a danger to my children). I have not seen or spoken to them in years. According to the order I am not even allowed to call them on the phone or write them a letter. Says a lot about our injustice system...

Love is a grand thing when it starts but passion never lasts. Be careful what you end up with when the passion wears off!!!!

You made your bed

The reason I came upon this web site is that I did a google search using the words "what do you do when you can't stand your wife?" And this site came up first. Right now I'm very mad at my wife. She's in bed asleep, and I'm on the couch. I'm very, very mad at her. I don't want to be with her at all right now. We're very incompatible in many, many ways. I disagree with a majority of what she does and says, and the romance has long since gone. BUT... There's no way in the world I would ever leave her. Trust me, at times that temptation comes, but 17 years ago, I made a promise "till death do us part." It doesn't matter if I'm unhappy for the rest of my life. A promise is a promise. Plus, there are four, yes four, little ones of mine that I love more than life, that I would jump in front of a freight train to save, that would be hurt so much should I leave her. When I get to the end of my life, will my romantic fantacies matter? No. What will bring me comfort in that last minute. Knowing I did the right thing, and KEPT MY PROMISE; and know that my kids, hopefully, learn to be as responsible and faithful to their life long partners. You do the same, dude!

Woman of my dreams but married

I am going through exactly the same as this guy at the moment. My complication is that she is also married with kids the same as me.

We have the problem of do we break up two families or just plod along in loveless marriges just for the sake of keeping everyone happy. Life sucks.

Heart and head are completly confused.
Do we make a break for it and try and be happy? Or, do we continue to flog our repective dead horses?
M

I think it will tear your wife

I think it will tear your wife up much more then yourself. Get out of the marriage then act on your feelings. I think adultery is wrong and unfair to your spouse. Why did you marry her and have children with her? Divorce is hard on children and your relationship with child may never be the same, think of everyone not just yoruself and your feelings.
Some therapy maybe a priest or a pastor. Help your self and respect your wife enough to try to work on the marriage, if you have leave be clean about it. She deserves that. Do not be a jerk.

No advice needed

You don't need advice really do you! You know what you stand to lose. People will be hurt, including you, if you continue allowing yourself to fall for her.
Why have you stayed 10 years with someone where you fight and are basically incompatible, and why did you have a baby with her? You will always be tied together by the child, whoever you are with, and the woman of your dreams will always be the second.
Whichever path you choose will be painful and have risks attached to it, and only you can make the choice.

I know, I know. I love my wife

I know, I know. I love my wife, I really do. Although she isn't perfect, I do love her. Often don't like her, but I do love her. Problem is that this new woman is what I always dreamed of and I can't get her out of my head. Every morning I go for a walk alone & spend 30 minutes trying to talk myself out of this insanity, but I always comes back to her.

How do I get her out of my head? It's killing me! I can't believe I'm actually thinking of leaving my wife for her, but I am.

What the hell?

Ok, so you met the girl you've always dreamed of. First of all, I think you're a real jerk if you leave your wife just because you've found your " dream girl " You're married! and even have a son. I mean smarten up. I've never seen anybody this naive. There will always be more than one women who suits you better in the world, but that doesn't mean you can go around divorcing and remarrying again. People who do that are pathetic. And plus if you really do leave your wife, you never know if you'll eventually have a chance to have a relationship with your " dream girl." Why not have a steady life instead.

Insanity...that's what the hell...

Well, you'll be happy to know that I think I'm a real jerk to. Why do you think I posted here in the first place? I can't stand the thought of leaving my wife & son, can't stand the thought of not being with dream girl, and sure as hell can't have both. It's driving me insane. Call me jerk, asshole, pig, whatever...believe me, I've called myself all that & worse. But naive...I don't think so. If I was naive, I wouldn't be looking for help. I'd just leave my wife & not think twice about it. But I recognize the lunacy of this situation & am looking for help to set myself straight.

It's like MENTALLY by brain knows the right path, but EMOTIONALLY my heart won't listen. I'm literally tearing myself apart. The bad part is that it's hurting my wife, too. When I look at her, I actually get angry at her for not being dream girl...how freaking insane is THAT?!? Brain knows it's nuts, heart gets angry anyway.

And, yes, I know there's no guarantee things would work out with dream girl. I tell myself every day that the most likely scenario if I were to leave my wife is that things WOULDN'T work out with dream girl, and I'd have lost EVERYTHING chasing a pipe dream. Again, heart won't listen.

Finally met the woman of my dreams ..but i am married

MMm i don't think he is a jerk .. it just sounds as though he has a lonely heart .. however i do empathise with the gentleman who has fallen for his 'dream girl'.. relationships are very difficult and engery consuming however .. if we are lucky we can live to a very old age... . so the true question here is ... Is the love for his little boy strong enough .. to stay with his partner and learn not to argue and bicca with her, as continual argument will do the child more harm as he grows.
The only problem i foresee here is that if he stays with his wife .. his love may diminish altogether and turn into resentment for the loss of his 'dream girl...

Lifes too short .. we only live once..
If our hearts are empty
Life will not be true.

Dreams are not reality

If you have decided not to leave your wife, then you will have to accept that thinking about your dream woman is not ok. While you are thinking about her you are not being honest with your wife. When your mind goes to her, you have to switch it to something else, your son perhaps, or your wife, or planning a wonderful holiday.
Don't mail, text, or speak to her, and this will take all your will power. It will feel as if somebody has just ripped your arm off. Believe me I know this!
How about getting a dog to comfort you, as you will need comforting and your wife is not the person to do it.
A dream is only a dream and living the daily reality might not be what you expect, but I don't know the future .
A useful book about why we choose the people we choose is "Getting the Love you want" by Harville Hendrix. www.amazon.co,uk have it. Best of luck.