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Help - with a relationship problem

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 28/03/2004 - 16:02. Sex Problems for Women

I am with a man who doesn't want to have full sex with me, I find it very upsetting because I don't understand why. I will do anything to make him happy but our sex life consists wholely of me pleasuring him with oral or hand stimulation to orgasm and I feel frustrated and confused. I confided in a friend who told me to stop giving him pleasure but I so want to make him happy and he loves cuddles and holding me in bed and it didn't last one weekend because he got upset I hadn't fondled him intimately. I tried again but gave in and partly I guess my hope is that when he gets aroused from my attentions and want to make love to me properly but it never happens and he has an orgasm without me! We've been together over a year now and made love once, three other attempts just led to him losing his erection as soon as he was inside me. About a Month ago I finally got the nerve to discuss this with him and he said "don't worry, we'll get there in the end". I've asked if it's me and he says not but how do I know what to do?? This is the first relationship I've had after a 12 year relationship with my last partner. With him our sex life dwindled away to nothing in the last few years. I'm now in my mid thirties and do have a strong sex drive, I get aroused very easily when I'm with someone I love but I haven't had any pleasure that is not of my own making in a very, very long time! I love him but I don't think I can deal with this much longer. His last girlfriend was very glamorous with long legs and a fantastic figure, I am attractive but like many of us a little lacking in the model figure department but it's not a write off yet! I thought if you loved someone you still desire them, I've always felt that way. I honestly think though he just doesn't fancy me sexually and if he loves me as he says he does that doesn't drive him physically either. What on earth do I do, he wants me to move in with him permanently but I just can't make that committment when I'm so unsure of his desire of me and how that will affect things in the long term. I believe that my last relationship failed when my partner didn't want me anymore, we lost that intimacy that couples have and drifted apart. So, in my mind I feel I'd be embarking on a live-in relationship that is already doomed. What can I do?

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Relationship Problem

Submitted by mpramage on Mon, 29/03/2004 - 07:31.

This seems a sad and unfair situaton and it isn't going to change. He says 'we'll get there in the end' as a way of keeping you quiet and stopping you complaining, while he does nothing about it. He has a problem and won't face it.
You could stay with him, accept that this is how it is and get on with it because you love him. Over time you might get fed up, and yes, it would be doomed. You could break up with him and feel very sad and lonely for a time and maybe meet someone else who can appreciate and love you back sexually and emotionally.
You could find a therapist who would help you explore all the options, and maybe help him to address whatever it is that he won't face.

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Thanks for your reply, I have

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 04/04/2004 - 17:42.

Thanks for your reply, I have decided to end the relationship. Another weekend with the same thing and I discovered he has an extensive porn stash comprising of videos and magazines. I really believe he is only stimulated by women that are sexually attractive in a physical way that he wants and I just don't have the right body to turn him on. He has always said how much he loves the female form but I think it is more the perfect female form! I know I will always feel inadequate if I stay with him and have spent several months now worrying about this side of the relationship. I love him very much but I've come to the conclusion I am going to get more screwed up in the long run. I need to feel desired not someone for whom it will take a effort for him to make love to. I accepted when by last relationship became non-sexual and broke down but at least it started out in a normal way and we both enjoyed each other. I'd hoped in this case it was some kind of erectile dysfuction, I could have coped with that and even accept not having full sex but I know it isn't.

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