At age 19, you've got plenty of years ahead for sex.
I know plenty of yound girls who waited, many who are
so glad they did, a few who regret they didn't.
Why risk being intimate now? You'd be far better off
waiting. If the relationship you're in now is worth $1.00,
it will last the test of time WITHOUT sex. And what if you
had sex with him, and he still ended up leaving you,
will it be worth it? And are you sure that after that,
you wouldn't feel the sting of being raped again, but
more on the emotional side? My suggestion is wait.
You need to resolve some of these feeling that a little more
age will afford you MORE wisdom and maturity. Don't look for easy
ways around the logic of waiting. There are no easy answers,
and if you want one, perhaps you're just looking for an excuse
to disobey your own conscience.

My girlfriend and I are in a very similar situation. I am 28 and she is 29. We have been seeing each other and living together for two years. We adore each other and are planning to get married.

When we first met the sex was amazing! But unfortunately about one year ago I felt something strange. She just wasn't the same when it came to sex. I couldn't understand it at first and I thought I was doing something wrong. So I asked her about it. But we had a big fight. The main thing that she kept throwing at me was I had a single tracked mind, and just wanted sex 24/7. Which is not true. At the time we both worked and we had a bit of stress in our lives but not something unnatural. Anyway, one day when she was calm and all, I asked her about it again and explained to her that it's affecting our relationship. She listened for a while and gave me an answer, which I believed. She told me she had enough sex in her life when she was younger and that’s why she doesn’t need it anymore.

I was shocked not at the thought of not having sex, but because I thought it wasn’t fair that just because she had too much sex before we met, I cannot have a healthy sexual relationship with the person I loved. I endured, and the tension built up. But I love her so much I accepted it. I would masturbate when I needed sex most of the time. But if on the lucky chance she was in a good mood (or tipsy) and we had sex, it was really bad sex. She was always dry, and somewhere else. I almost went mad. Then I asked her about it again and she just said that when she doesn’t feel good about herself she just doesn’t want sex. This, I also accepted and tried in every way I can to make her feel good about life in general and everything about herself. It didn’t work.

After a while we moved somewhere where we thought our lives would be easier. I found a good job and helped her find one. But she was unlucky. And she remained unemployed (which made things worse). But I never let her need anything. In fact, I used everything in my power to make sure she always felt good. I am short of only getting her the moon on a necklace. I was patient and understanding and very careful and loving. But the situation just kept getting worse. And then I lost my patience and anger ruled my relationship with the person I loved most.

About 3 weeks ago we got separated due to circumstances beyond our control. And one night we were chatting and I just made a joke about sex. And the joke spiraled into the biggest storm ever. I felt that we were gonna lose each other that same night. However, somehow because I got her angry enough, she opened up. She told me the truth about why she was having problems with sex. Which made me furious, because I felt like she lied to me all this time. But I still listened with anger blinding me completely.

She told me she was raped by her boyfriend when she was 15. It lasted a year. She couldn’t leave him for some reason and endured the torture. She didn’t talk to anyone or see a therapist. He was mean, rough and he always told her how wrong she did everything and how cold she was and lots of things I hate to even mention here. He even made one of his friends sleep with her to prove it to her. I mean this guy deserves to die as far as I am concerned. Anyway, so now…I find out this new truth. I have severe doubts about things that she tells me now, I don’t believe it when she says she loves me. I get paranoid if she says she’s meeting one of her friends. I mean her hiding this from me has shaken my world. I am trying in every way to help her see that she needs therapy. But she will not listen. I am shaking in fear that we might lose a good relationship over something from her past that she cannot seem to get rid of. I am willing to do anything to help her. She says she needs time (but wants to remain close), and I do not want this to linger anymore. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. I have bad mood swings and I don’t want to talk with her most of the time coz our problem (which she doesn’t want to believe is a problem) is the only thing I think of when we speak, and speaking about it always ends up in us fighting and me angry. I have tried to make her see that it was not her fault. I have also assured her that I will try to get through it with her and that we can fix it together.

I am completely confused and very sad. I just don’t understand why it was fine in the beginning and now its just gotten worse and worse. I wouldn’t mind some advice, and I would like to hear from the rape victim who submitted their paragraph and how its going for them.

I know exactly how you feel. It happened to me at the age of 18 and I am now 21. about two days ago I had a nightmare that it had happened again. The only thing I can say even though I never did it is to seek professional help. No matter how long ago it happened, if not you will never get over it.

To put it behind you you need to find out that sex isnt bad, and really confirm to yourself that what the guy did was very wrong, and that it isnt that way.

It sounds like you have a very understanding boyfriend, the fact you've talked with him about it, and hes understanding is the best support you could ever need. How to go forward, is not to force yourself, dont set dates, dont plan it, it builds up your own expectation and makes you feel pressured.

I got raped at 13, I didnt tell people, I didnt get counciling, and it is possbible to put it behind you and move on, the only thing I can suggest is that the pair of you go hide under a duvet and spent a sunday there, watching tv, being silly, and keep your undies on, get comfortable in that environment, if you're comfortable with that, depending on what bits scare you the most, and just let him touch you all over, with panties on, and make sure if you say no he will stop then and let you calm, but while you're in control and its him hes understanding, nothing bad will happen, and slowly you will find you can touch him, he you and natural things will come

Thank you for your posting, as I am sure there are others like you who don't knw what to do.
The trouble with this as I see it is that you are still holding the fear of repesting the horror of what happened and your body is holding it too. It is now time to get some professional help and then you can get over it. You do need to talk about your feelings and a therapist or psychologist will be able to get you through this. Having a supportive and helpful boyfriend will be a great help to you too, so don't waste any time but Find a Therapist, you deserve it!