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Impotent: effect on partner

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 22/02/2005 - 00:49. Sex Problems for Men

Hi. I was married for 3 years and my husband would not touch me. He gave me every excuse in the book (too shy, too tired, too busy, something great on TV, not interested, even went as far as to say the problem was me). It took me so long to uncover that he was indeed impotent. Is it common for people to blame their spouses? It took such an emotional and mental toll on me - before I realized he was the one with the problem. He was only 25 and a doctor, so I never imagined he could be impotent. But in the end, it turned out he knew even before marrying me and only wanted to marry me to obtain his greencard. Any input from people in similar situations would be appreciated.

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'blame' placed on partner

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/02/2005 - 11:45.

I have been married 9 years, lived together 11. We have never had full penetrative sex. For years I was allowed to believe that there was something wrong with me. Even when he went to the doctor, he never admitted or accepted that he was impotent - he said doctor said that a few glasses of wine would relax me!!! I found out through a friends experience how wonderful viagra is so asked husband to go and ask for some. He said no, several times. I made an appointment with a solicitor for a divorce and then he cracked and said it was him who had the problem and went to the doctor. The bloody viagra does not work! I'm left still feeling responsible: I'm trying too hard, or I'm in such a mood the time isn't right. I wait day after day (its been 5 weeks since he took a pill) for him to make the move. If I crack and ask he says no, if I go off on one accusing him of finding me physically repulsive or saying that I think he is asexual, he says oh, I was thinking of taking a pill tonight but its not really a good time now. He says he wants me to stay but I am going insane. I know he is not good for me but feel enormous guilt because going will mean hurting him so much.

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Difficult decision

Submitted by mpramage on Mon, 28/02/2005 - 20:49.

After so many years of putting your needs second, I can understand that leaving is very hard. You have carried the pain of this for so long that giving it up will hurt, I know, and that is probably why you are still undecided. You have been used to the situation hurting you, and expecting him to take his share must seem almost unbelievably strange. You know what you need to do, but I don't know if you will find the strength to do it. If you don't, however, this relationship is only going to carry on the same. You could have something better eventually, but you will have to face the guilty feelings and do it! Somebody once said that guilt is inapproprately taking responsibility and preventing the other growing up! What do you think?

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RE difficult decision

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/03/2005 - 11:21.

OK Future problems I think about are:
We have kids concieved by artificial insemination(as well as really wanting a family, I figured that once a baby comes out, ANYTHING can get in. I unfortunately needed to have ceasarians)So there will be contact forever, he is a brilliant father.
I will have to shoulder the blame for a divorce, when his family get at me for breaking his heart I'll have to shut up about the truth,it would completely destroy his life and I hardly think he is going to tell anyone the reason!
And also what if he gets another woman? (maybe there is his perfect woman out there who just wants love and companionship and no shagging.) I would turn into the ex-wife from hell hounding and stalking her needing to know if there is any sex going on! And if there was, it would mean that he could never bring himself to have sex with me because I was a troll. Yes I know, paranoia but I have to be thinking of every sceanario.
I can get over this, I am strong enough and I am ready to go I just want him to accept that its never going to happen so we can move on and be friends without the pressure of sex.
I would like to know how the other lady who felt blamed is getting on, from what she said she has already left. How did she explain the separation, How long has it been, she is obviously still hurt and has she had the self confidence to go out and find herself a bloke 'in working order' yet? That is something else I'm worried about, the thought of dating and someone else seeing me naked. Scary.

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Projecting the problem

Submitted by mpramage on Tue, 22/02/2005 - 08:29.

Yes often people cannot face their problems in themselves so blame the partner. He may have hoped that marriage to you would somehow magically fix it, and he may feel let down and therefore legitimise blaming you in that way. Anyway you could both have some help with this if you Find a Therapist

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