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Introduction

Submitted by mkarliner on Sun, 13/02/2005 - 19:05. Family Problems

So far, our forums have concentrated on problems of the relationship between couples, or an individuals sexuality. However, we are keenly aware that often these kinds of problems are the symptom of a problem in the wider family, even in the extended familiy historie. Examples of this are:

  • the clash of cultures between immigrant generations, and their expections of sexual and relationship behaviours,
  • the effects of loss of siblings, or unwanted children.
  • family histories of abuse

This forum is here to help people air the problems created by their family's current situation and history, please contribute.

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daughter turns up after many years

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 23/02/2005 - 09:36.

hi, am writing this and i dont really know why. my partner of 6yrs has just found out that he is the father of a 20something daughter. they have met, i wasnt included in this meeting and i think that he is now about to play happy families. i have 2 children of my own which he has never really shown any great emotion to..he just gets on with them for the sake of it. he also has a daughter a few yrs younger who is unaware of his situation, but he is going to tell her. when they met i asked him lots of Q's about the meeting which he either didnt ask or is reluctant to tell me...which has led me to tell him that i dont want any involvement with any aspect of it am i being unfair on him and his new daughter, am i selfish?..i kinda feel that i am, but i cant help the way i feel.
very sad and depressed....S :o(

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A fresh start?

Submitted by mkarliner on Wed, 23/02/2005 - 19:51.

It could be that your partner's discovery may seem very exciting and in some way a fresh start for him in terms of his parenthood. As time passes, the novelty will pass away and his relationship with his 'new' daughter become much more like that with her younger sister, with all the ups and downs of being a father.

You don't say how old your children were when you got together, but I assume that they were not very small, and it's worth remembering just how hard it is to bond with children who may well remember their real dad, as well as possibly resenting your attachment to him. I this case I know of what I speak.

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Lost Daughter returns!

Submitted by mpramage on Wed, 23/02/2005 - 19:44.

What a shock for everybody, and no wonder you are upset and feeling unfair about it. The situation hasn't been fair in that there have been secrets and still are a bit from what you say. I am a great believer in openness and honesty in families, most particularly between the parents or step-parents. Step parenting is a tough job at the best of times and it might be a good idea to see a family therapist for some guidance with this.
It is natural for your partner to dream of happy families, but in general children are not delighted to find there is an older sister or brother, particularly if their feelings about it are not carefully attended to.
In the end the adults have to come to joint decisions and need to agree the way forward. I hope you feel less depressed as the time goes on.

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