Jane and John decided to seek help with partnertherapy, because they found themselves in bitter and continuous argument at home. They have no children, and have been together four years. John says he becomes totally frustrated because whereas they used to msake up and then have good sex afterwards, now they feel trapped and wounded by these bouts, He believes Jane is no longer interested in his career, but regards him as a meal ticket, since he earns 50% more than she does. There has never been any violence, but John feels enraged, especially when Jane starts to cry. Secretly he believes that Jane wants to start a family and stay at home for at least five years, but this is a taboo subject, and there are no marriage plans, thought they own a joint mortgage.

For her part, Jane says she does regard the difference in their salaries as ok, since John is better qualified and five years older than her. But she feels he does not understand her ambitions, and secretly believes that He would prefer to start a family and have her stay at home. She does not think it safe to raise these concerns with him, but concedes that she is has many grievances about wheat she sees as John’s lack of commitment to home care.

In assessment, John and Jane had an opportunity to safely air their differences with the therapist, and begin to find ways of expressing contrary views in a safer and more productive way, After some diary work, both were able to identify that arguments occurred on those days when both had worked long hours, and especially when there were no concrete p[lans for the evening, including the absence of food in the larder.
Some simple behavioural tasks entailed their organising their evenings so that they knew who was getting home first and who was cooking. They developed a ritual of having a shower and sitting down quietly, over a cup of tea, and taking it in turn to ask about each other’s day, and each other’s problems. The shower was Jane’s idea, both to real, to wash away her office worries, and to mark a clear boundary between work and home. John agreed to take no calls from the office until after supper, and for them to walk at least weekly in their local park (without mobiles!) where they agreed they would discuss their wider agenda
Their arguments did not centre on any particular theme, but in due course, the concerns about children and career were aired, and they were able to work on a longer term timetable,