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8 weeks to the wedding and we aren't talking

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 26/01/2005 - 15:54. Relationship Problems

I'd love to have some perspectives on my current situation. I am due to be married to my partner of almost 11 years although at the moment he will not speak to me. I have tried asking him directly what is wrong and have tried the light hearted approach too. It isn't working.

I know that he is feeling hurt as my mother doesn't approve of the nature of our wedding plans (a civil ceremony, not a church one). I feel hurt because i feel like the meet in the sandwich between the 2 of them.

The physical side of our relationship isn't wonderful either. He is the one to initiate physical intimacy and when I try it ends in rejection 99.99% of the time.

That said we have had a pretty long relationship and he can be extremely kind, funny and generous toward me. Recently though I'm wondering what our relationship is really about and whether or not our marriage is just an attempt to fix a failing relationship.

Any ideas, thoughts, instincts or feelings would be most most welcome.

Many thanks

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11 years?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 15/02/2005 - 05:36.

I would reconsider your upcoming marriage, especially if talking things out is still difficult and/or your approaches of intimacy are 99.99% rejected.

You're going to have one heck of a rough road ahead. If you two haven't been able to work things out between you over the past eleven years, I hardly doubt that the magic of marriage will do the trick.

If he is the kind, funny, and generous man you say he is, I would wonder if this is only a mask for him only wanting to have things his way? You think your mother is an issue? She is only incidental to what is in store for you.

Marriage is tough. It also takes two, especially when it involves intimacy and sex. But it looks like commitment is an idea having a field day with him. It just seems odd that after eleven years he still hasn't learned to respond to your advances.

A little advice: forget your mother. Your mother isn't the one marrying him. You are. Sure, we have to deal with family, but if you are worried about pleasing Mama and he is habitually rejecting you, then you might want to seek another male friend, especially one who will respect your love.

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Weddings often due bring on c

Submitted by mkarliner on Tue, 01/02/2005 - 17:41.

Weddings often do bring on crises in existing relationships as couples can feel a seismic shift in their relationship to each other. However, this doesn't sound too promising, given your own analysis of the situation. What prompted you to get married after 11 years?

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We decided to get married aft

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 02/02/2005 - 15:01.

We decided to get married after 11 years because we 11 love each others and to celebrate our relationship with family and friends. I do love him and I know somewhere inside him he loves me.

Recently his job situation has changed dramatically where he has gone into self employemnt. this is tumultuous in itself as contact with his former colleagues is low and he feels disappointed about that and I'm worried that he might become isolated if he hasn't already

I guess as i write this I see that he has a lot on his plate but how to I reach him?

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Another reason couples get married

Submitted by mpramage on Wed, 02/02/2005 - 20:57.

Another reason couples decide to get married is boredom. The whole wedding business injects a bit of interest into an otherwise routine and lifeless relationship.
You are asking how to reach him, saying that somewhere inside him he loves you, and I am not sure what either of these mean. It seems you have to do all the emotional work in this relationship and what makes you so sure he loves you if it is "somewhere inside"? Sorry to be so challenging, you can always ignore me!

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Last night we had it out - al

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 03/02/2005 - 11:29.

Last night we had it out - all the pain and hurt came to the surface on both our behalfs - I spoke to him about his silent hostility and how it made me feel nervous and isolated. He acknowledged that he stores a lot of anger. The very fact that he has acknowledged it helps me relax.

So we are talking. There is a ways to go but we are talking. Will keep you posted.

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Good Work

Submitted by mkarliner on Fri, 04/02/2005 - 17:22.

Well done, and good luck!

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