Problems with my Long Term Relationship

Gay Issues and Problems

Ok, I'm 33 years old and my partner is 39. We have been in a long term committed relationship for 14 years. We have had a loving relationship for the first 10 years of the relationship. In the past few years it has gotten worse. We don't talk like we used to, make love like we used to, or spend time together like we used to. I am a positive person and for the most part have a good attitude toward life because you only get one life, so make it the best I can. My partner used to feel that way and lately he is negative, depressed, has an attitude and sometimes it brings me down and then I get depressed and start an attitude. I grew up in an environment that was extremely depressing and I promised myself as an adult I would be happy and make something of my life and enjoy myself.

I wanted to be happy and the person I'm with to be happy, but for the life of me I can't figure out what to do to help my partner out. He think there is no problem and then starts to reverse the issues on me and tries to manipulate me into thinking the problems are all me. It's like if I say something is blue, then he says it's green and if I say it's cold then he says it's warm. Sometimes I think he wants me to believe all our problems are me. He likes throwing my family issues up to me and then I get defensive and do the same and it only makes the whole thing worse.

At one point he wanted to bring someone else into the mix (sexually), I was not up for that. After a year or so I decided to try it and I didn't like it. He seemed to, so I did everything I knew how to keep him happy sexually. I'm a great looking guy and all, so I didn't think I had much to worry about. He tends to have a wandering eye for young twinks, so I do my best to stay young looking and up to date in clothes, etc.
I just feel like our whole relationship is slipping away and I don't know how to get it back to the way it used to be or to move forward in a positive way that will make our relationship last. I can't deal with the threesome crap or the depressing attitude. I don't want to end the relationship, but how can I get this person I love more then anything to realize he has a problem.

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A shared relationship problem

As you say, it is a relationship problem, and apportioning blame is unhelpful. The two of you need to evaluate your relationship togehter, the aspects you realy appreciate and would want to keep, the aspects you find puzzling and need to understand better, and the aspects that have crept in that you would both like to change.

You have recognised that getting defensive just makes it worse, so if the two of you avoid blame, attack, criticism and defensiveness you might make some headway. if he is depressed that could have a huge impact on the two of you, and of course it brings you down as well.

Try to seek constructive solutions, do things together that you both enjoy, and remember that this is upsetting you so much because you love each other. Keep comunication gentle and calm and try to find those good feelings again.