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Partner unable to commit

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 24/08/2004 - 08:07. Relationship Problems

I was recently in a short-term relationship that ended because he can't/won't be in a relationship. He is 40 years old, has never been married, comes from a wonderful family, and is a triathlete who swims everyday (4 or 5 of the days it's with various groups of people), runs about 50 miles a week and bikes several other miles. He does most of this in groups, and is also a member of a soccer league as well as one other similar physical activity. He runs in most every local (and several non-local) marathons/triathlons. When dating, he would invite me only in the evenings and never on weekends when he would be with friends doing the athletic thing.

He always gave me the impression that he wouldn't commit to a date very far in advance because something better might come along. He lost his fiancé about 2 years ago because he never had time for her, and freely admits that he has a problem. We've had a few discussions about his inability to be in a relationship and he says that he's done a lot of thinking about it and that he figured out 2 things: 1) that he wants to be with me 2)but that he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

He is a wonderful human being that has a lot to offer, but it seems that he keeps his life so packed with activities (including ones that he doesn't like such as running which he says does not make him feel good) in an attempt to fill some emptiness or void. He has only done these physical type activities for 5 or 6 years.

Before that, he was 40 - 50 lbs heavier, but maintains a great physique now. He has a slight stutter with an associated facial grimace. He also mentioned that when he was young, he had a very, very, very bad "experience" with something similar to being raped, but he wasn't raped (to use his words).

Could that be the root of all of this? Will this guy eventually "crash and burn" at some point and figure all of this out? At times, he seems like he is almost at the brink of wanting to know why he is the way he is. He describes his life as being in turmoil.

Assuming that I'm not dreaming up the closeness that we felt for each other and this all relates to him and not to our relationship, anything I can do to help him? We still do talk from time to time and if there is a not-so-long-shot that he could work his way out of this, assuming he wanted to, I would like to understand his situation better.

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Commitment

Submitted by mpramage on Tue, 24/08/2004 - 21:10.

This is a tricky one. You have a lovely guy who is avoidant of any intimacy or closeness, and someone who has been, possibly, sexually abused. I agree that he could work his way out of this if he really felt it was possible, which of course it is! Unfortunately, you cannot persuade him of that, he has to come to the realisation for himself. I think a softly softly approach, no demands, only support and understanding can keep this going.
Really he needs to talk everything over with somebody, probably not you, but an outsider. Is there any possibility he would see a counsellor? He says his life is in turmoil, and counselling is geared to help with that!
My hunch is that he uses all this physical activity, some of which he doesn't even like, to distract himself from internal/depression pain that he can't bear to feel. It is similar to an addiction and he would be afraid to give it up. At the same time it is preventing him having a "normal" life and relationships.

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Possible start to the solution

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 26/08/2004 - 00:59.

First, thank you very much for the "service" that you provide the public. I had a thought that if this guy doesn't decide to do something on his own in this century, perhaps I should give him a copy of your response and let him see it for himself. I know it would probably ruin my relationship with him, but perhaps it would be the best in the interest of helping him. Should I, or would that just be a disaster for him?

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