I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I feel pathetic for even posting this... But it doesn't seem like I have any other choice. I'm at a point in my life where this fear I have is making me lose my mind. Especially now that there is a certain female who is very interested in me, and I am interested in her, but I can't bring myself to say anything to her about it, because I know where it will lead to. Kissing on the first few dates, then we'll get even closer, and sex will eventually be a possibility, and I just cant handle it. I just cringe at the thought of it.

Of course I want her to be my girlfriend, I want to take her out and show her a good time and kiss her goodnight, and after a while, maybe even have sex, but this fear in my head is unstoppable. I don't know what to do. I'm 20 years old, I've never gone all the way, I've never even had a real girlfriend. I guess strong religious beliefs played a big part in this during my teens. I had a lot of observant Jewish friends, and I went to a Jewish school, I even lived in Israel for a whole year, and I guess it all influenced me in a huge way. Now I'm not saying I regret making those decisions for myself (my family have no religious connections), because I know these beliefs have shaped me to be a good, moral person. But at the same time, I can't help but face the fact that all my non-Jewish friends are getting laid left and right as of now, and beyond that, all of them are at least capable of talking with a girl, asking her out on a date, and are able to have sex without any second thought or fear of it.

I have faith that everything is meant to be, and maybe this struggle of mine is also meant to be, and I'll only understand the meaning of it years from now, or maybe never, but nonetheless I know there is some kind of purpose behind this fear of mine. I just wish I knew about it now, I wish I could get past it, I wish I could stop being such a loser and just forget this damn fear and do it before I become a laughing stock, because I can already sense that people know how inexperienced I really am.