I have just come back from my girlfriend C__'s flat having been dumped. We have been together for 1 year and we both decided a long time back that we were in love with each other. Quite simply she is fantastic and I was the luckiest man on the planet in respect of our physical, psychological, social and sexual relationship etc

However, I have always had a problem with internet porn. When I was younger (I am 29 now), before the days of the internet, I had literally hundreds of porn magazines. The top shelf in my wardrobe literally groaned under the weight of Club, High Society and a wealth of DVD's (and even back in the day VHS'). Then as the net developed and as I got access to better and better technology, more bandwidth and so on I got in to talking to webcam girls, scoping through escort sites to look at the best girls that were available that I could 'potentially' have encounters with... you get the picture. Certainly there was a pattern of escalation and by about 2 years ago I was spending upwards of £300/ month ($600) on porn members sites and having phone and webcam sex with various girls around the globe. Once or twice I even went to meet an escort. When I met this wonderful girl though the only thing that changed was that I never met someone in the flesh. That for me was morally wrong.

Now this didn't really effect our sex lives in terms of activity. I would be quite happy to have a wild weekend with my girlfriend and then on Monday I would go back to my flat, log on and while away the hours surfing for girls to have sex with or just have phone sex with. In my mind it was ok because I was not emotionally attached to these girls and didn't care about them apart from whether they could help to get me off. I was also fortunate enough that C__ was pretty filthy minded herself and she would openly admit that she was happy to enjoy watching porn videos and be generally dominated in a mild S&M type of way. This was great for me as I am quite a dominant in the bedroom (although far more withdrawn and unemotional in day to day interaction) so it seemed to me at this time that the relationship worked pefectly.

Unfortunately C__ found out about my prolific habit and told me that I had a problem (an addiction no less) and that it hurt her. I completely didn't understand what she was talking about at first. Surely these girls were not people she could see me having an emotional relationship with, could she? Just because I had had websex with numerous women on the other side of the planet that didn't mean that I cared any less for her or that this interfered with my feelings for her did it? Wasn't phone sex irrelevant? Weren't we both happy before she knew about this? But it upset her and her spying on me (which she did to incredible lengths even before she found out about this the first time) upset me as well. So we agreed that I would stop if she would.

However I broke the promise and whilst my habit dropped from £300/ month to £50 in the last 4 months (since our conversation) I got caught out. She didn't even need to spy on me really, she just stumbled upon it without even trying when she was over my house using the computer earlier today. Not only that but I was also using phone sex lines and again whilst this had dropped significantly I was still doing it. When I was confronted I tried to pretend that I hadn't been doing any phone sex at all. Bad move. Now not only was I going behind her back but I was also lying about what I had and hadn't done when I was confronted face to face (even if it was a lie by omission). I think it was the lying that really did it for her but it was also that she thought I didn't realise how bad my addiction was.

I think I know what my problems are:
1 - I have a mild sociopathalogical streak that makes me emotionally cold with women. When I was a kid I had absolutely zero friends at school (an all boys school) and as I grew older was unable to understand how to have relationships with women (although I do have a sister and had a mother who I was very close to before she passed away). This allows me to not worry about how my relationship with porn might affect my relationship with any girlfriend.
2- I have an extremely high sex drive. When I was 24 I was having sex or masturbating 6-8 times a day. I still masturbate at least twice a day, if not more. This helps me to be both desensitized to porn and to want it constantly.
3 - I want everyone to think I am perfect. Partly because I was so unpopular at school I don't want anyone to think that I have done anything wrong. So I compartmentalise my sexual habits with my girlfriend, carry on my addiction and lie to her all at the same time. As long as she doesn't know then she is happy. And if she thinks I am perfect then in my world everything is fine.

Having said all this I feel it important to write this down here so that I verbalise to the world that I know that I have done wrong. I find it hard to be emotional about this but at the same time I know I have made a huge mistake and need to tell the world this. I know that I need help but at the same time I'm not convinced that there is anyone out there that can correct almost 3 decades of corrupt programming.

I can be objective about my issues but can I truly end up feeling the guilt that I know that I am supposed to be feeling right now and that will help motivate me to correct myself from hurting anyone else in my life? I cannot say that I feel guilty or ashamed particularly. I just know I should be.

If anyone can help I would be very grateful. Thanks for reading.