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Affair with Long-Term Colleague

Submitted by rachtree on Thu, 01/11/2007 - 04:53. Infidelity

I'm seeking advice regarding a somewhat unusual affair. I have worked closely with a man for almost five years, and there has been nothing but mutual respect between us. He is the head of the organization where I work, and I am one of the top strategists/writers there. He is 25 years older than I am (I'm 28), married, and with three children. He has never had an affair in his 18 years of marriage, and he has not attempted to hide anything from me. While we have always had a strong connection, no intimacy occured until two weeks ago, when we were at another colleague's art event.

From that evening on, we have been communicating more and more, spending the occasional evening together, etc. We have not had sex but have done everything else. The unusual part of this, along with the fact that we actually know each other really well, is that he is not having problems in his marriage and does not see the relationship with me as a fling or an escape. Neither of us had designs on the other, per se, but there was obviously a layer of mutual attraction. Neither of us quite know what to do now, whether there is something deeply human and necessary about what we're sharing or whether it's just stupid and doomed. We talk forthrightly about it. I like the fact that the relationship is partitioned for me, as I care about him but can also pursue my own work and writing when we're not together.

I realize that there is the potential for people getting hurt (obviously), but I've also witnessed marriages that stick it out with both partners being miserable. I follow a path of non-harm in my life as best I can, and so this affair is both life-affirming and scary for the harm it could do. My own parents got divorced when I was 11 (his children are 8, 12, and 14), and in many ways it was a really good thing for my family. So I don't see black&white, and I'm looking for advice in teasing out the grey. I feel stable in myself and have been single for awhile now, but I also feel very safe and comfortable with this man. Nuanaced comments appreciated.

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great stuff

Submitted by akak123 on Thu, 15/11/2007 - 05:07.

All I can say is "people make up all kinds of beautiful excuses" for their inappropriate actions. The most interest BS seems to originate with "love affairs" that are blatantly wrong.

The operative word of self justification and self deception is the word "love" before the only meaningful word here, which is "affair". Two single people really cannot have an affair, because real affairs are dirty in some way, wrong in some way, and need to be hidden to someone one or both of the cheaters are officially involved with romantically.

In my life, I can say I've had one-night stands with people I didn't know at all beforehand. It could be technically called a series of one time affairs with a stranger, though more precisely it is called philandering (cheating on your spouse with no particular person but instead with random strangers you run into). The opportunities were there, I knew it was wrong, I made now excuses or self-justifications. Sure, I had some problems and tension with my wife, but who doesn't. In my case, it was really pretty bad though I was too in love to know it, but who ever said people do these things because they have a problem. If people were more honest when they CHOOSE to do wrong, we could dispense with all the BS....more people who see themselves as "good" or "nice" would simply not cheat or at least be more honest to themselves and others around them. Trust me, nobody likes a cheater. A philanderer may get tons of pats on the back by his buddies, but nobody likes a cheater.

On another note, I cheated on my ex-fiance and married the object of my affair, who became my wife. It was me in the wrong and I knew it, accepted it, admitted it to myself. All my friends and even my own family knew. If anything, I won't lie to those important to me about my real affairs. Be honest to yourself and others if you chose to go down the bad path.

The marriage ended with her in a long term affair I discovered with another married man. She left me for him, and he left her to stay with the wife 4-5 months later. Reality is she was so in love with him that she didn't see the obvious...he only stayed to assure she left me for sure...he knew whoever had her in the end would control whether his wife would know on an absolute basis from the only absolute witness an denying wife would believe --- the mistress.

So I got punished for my own past wrongs to the ex-fiance and to her in a lesser degree, plus much much much more above that. She got away with it, though there was some emotional pain much less than mine. He either got away totally, or only paid with fear for 3-12 months, possibly having to deal with the loss of his family's trust, and maybe the pain of losing his mistress (but then it was clear he loved his wife more anyways).

As someone who's been in this type of mess from most angles, I can assure you that the pain the cheated on spouse feels is the absolute worse. The question is are you the kind of person who would do this to someone you don't know and have not right to hurt? The choice is just that plain simple.

Wrong doesn't have to be defined by your religion, your ethics, or even your own morals. The last reply to your post said it best...it is wrong because you are hurting others who did nothing wrong to you, and you are doing it for your own selfish desires. You have a right to have someone to love and who loves you completely. You don't have the right to destroy someone else in a relationship, even if half of that couple obviously is just as wrong here.

Have the courtesy to walk away. You can tell her if you are doing it for the only right reason, which is because the wife has a right to know and make an informed decision on the state of her marriage. Of coarse, if you do so to "get him", don't bother. I'm sure you realize, for your own selfish good, doing so will make your work situation horrible.

The smart thing to do is to stop it right now and not get deeper into what will end in a bad way for someone. Notice that the only way the people who are not involved in this sordid affair getting hurt the very lease is for you to be hurt the most. By being good, you end up better off. By being selfish and bad, you actually get burned.

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Grey areas

Submitted by mpramage on Fri, 02/11/2007 - 09:22.

You are just at the start of something and it is indeed in grey areas. Most human predicaments are. However there is no such thing as non-harm in family break up, whether the harm is in the preceding bad times or the break up itself. A parent embarking on an affair affects everybody in the family, consciously or not. Energy and attention are diverted away from wife and children, however careful the person may be.
If there is nothing wrong with his marriage, how would his wife react reading your post?? Would she agree?
There is often the feel of something deeply human and necessary when you first shift a colleaguial relationship or established friendship into the zone of intimacy and sexual desire, because the other person is already known and familiar. It does not mean the shift is sustainable in the long term, or not harmful to the people involved and others they may be involved with.
There are some relationships we are presented with, but cannot have, and you are in the tricky position of having to decide what is the "right" course of action.

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