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my boyfriend is driving me insane

Submitted by pinkie55 on Sat, 29/09/2007 - 07:49. Relationship Problems

I am a 20 year old female. I've been with my boyfriend for 5+ years. I love him to death and I know deep down inside that I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows this and I assume it probably scares him. My problem is that he can never ever make up his mind when it comes to our relationship. These past 5 years have been the best and worst of my life. One minute he loves me, the next he hates me. We are always breaking up because he's never quite sure if he wants to be with me.
We have spent everywhere from a few days to about a year apart and I always seem to find myself back with him. In the beginning of our relationship, we spent every day together, we were inseperable. But as time goes on, all he wants to do is hang out with his friends. I know that it is healthy for a couple to have their own friends and I accept that, I too like to spend time with my friends, but I almost feel like it is to the point where he would rather spend time with his friends than me. In the past, I've felt so neglected that I finally stood up for myself and told him that if we weren't going to spend time together, than there was no point in us being together. This backfired on me. I'm not a doctor or anything but I'm almost positive that he suffers from some type of mood disorder, possibly bi-polar, along with alcoholism. To make matters worse, the majority of his friends are either drug addicts or alcoholics.

The problem is that, he's not happy when we are together, so then we break up and things get even worse. He sleeps around, drinks all day and night, and his life just goes down hill. I've seen this happen on more than one occasion. I care deeply about him and it kills me to see him throwing his life away. It's almost a lose-lose situation for me because when we are together, I feel as though as soon as things start to get comfortable and I feel like I can finally relax, something goes wrong and he changes his mind again, claiming that he's sick of me and that we spend too much time together (when in reality we don't). He claims that I am too clingy, that I act like his mother, and that he feels suffocated and trapped by me. To add to all this, a few years ago I cheated on him. I regret this more than anything and I wish I could change my actions, but the reality is that I cant. I don't know if his uncertainty about me has anything to do with that, but I wouldn't be suprised. What is interesting though is that I believe I have earned most of his trust back. I'm the one who doesn't trust him because a few months ago, on one of our many "off" times, he got really drunk and slept with his best friends ex-girlfriend, a girl that I once considered my friend. This killed me and I felt betrayed by the both of them. To say the least, this has added even more problems to our relationship. This girl is no longer in either of our lives but I chose to take him back because he insisted that he needed me and once again I didn't want to see him in distress, along with the fact that I missed him.
This relationship has impacted me in more ways than I can even say. I suffer from depression and a low-self esteem. I am not sure if me being with him has anything to do with these things, but I know that they do not help my situation. I almost feel as though I am lost without him. I don't trust anybody, especially other women because I feel betrayed by this girl that I once considered my friend.
I know that everybody makes mistakes but I know that I personally would never sleep with one of my boyfriends friends or one of my friends ex-boyfriends. I also have guilt issues as a result of cheating on him 2 years ago, probably because he throws it back in my face sometimes. Like I said before, I could see myself with him for the rest of my life, and he sometimes agrees, but then acts in a manner completely different from what he says. As much of a toll this relationship has had on me, he is an amazing person and the good times are definately good. I have so many wonderful memories with him and I would do anything for us to have a positive, healthy, relationship. I just fear that I am going to lose him. I can't bear to be with him or without him and I honestly do not know what to do with myself. Everybody tells me to leave him and that I deserve so much better, and part of me feels and knows that I do.
Although, he is the one person who makes me happy. I know that I cant really be happy in a relationship if I am not happy with myself, and I'm working on that, but I just wish things with him could be stable. Every time we have tried to go on a "break", we end up back together. I don't know if its because we really do love and care about each other and we're "meant to be", or because we are just so attached to each other and the we find comfort in one another.
All I know is that I would do anything and everything I can to make this relationship work, and I feel like he could care less. He is selfish, immature, and impulsive and this relationship has drained me of every last bit of energy I have. It is no longer in my control and I feel like I'm living in this vicious cycle, just waiting for the next time we break up and eventually get back together. I honestly do not know what to do with him or myself. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. Please help.

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Thank you guys for your

Submitted by pinkie55 on Wed, 24/10/2007 - 06:35.

Thank you guys for your insight. I really appreciate it and I completely agree with everything you all have said. I know deep down inside that we both care about each other, but apparently I just care a little to much about him and not enough about my own well being.

But I wrote this post three weeks ago and since then things have just gotten worse. I know that the right thing at this time for us to take some time apart from eachother, it is just so hard because I know what to expect and how much pain I'm going to be in missing him and hearing about the stupid shit he's been doing, etc etc. It is just going to be a repeat of the last time this happened last year. Actually tonight we somehow go into a fight and he began screaming at me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore and that he has been trying to get away from me for some time now, but I'm not even sure weather or not I should take any of this to heart because he was drinking at the time. He usually only says these types of things when hes drunk, and then the next day acts like nothing ever happens. But we have not been spending time with eachother and we have slowly begun to separate, at least physically since I still call him and talk to him over the phone sometimes. I am just completely flustered on what to do, I know what I should do, but what I should do is the complete opposite of what I want. I want this relationship to work out more than anything, and the way it is looking it's not going to..
All I know is that months from now I'm sure he will come crawling back begging me to take him back and I'm not gonna know what to do or say.
I can't just not take him back when I care about him and love him so much. I know that I deserve someone who is going to want to spend time with me and care about me, but I just don't seem to want anybody else..I cant see myself with anybody else. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him, and I'm sure this sounds crazy since I'm only 20..but I guess we are just at two different places in our life and I just gotta take it one day at a time, for my own sanity, which I barely have any left..
Thanks again.

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I suppose I'm in a similar

Submitted by curiouscat on Thu, 18/10/2007 - 07:59.

I suppose I'm in a similar situation myself, and also wondering what to do! Given our age, I think we have to always stand back and realize five years into a relationship is still early. If you're planning on spending a lifetime with someone, five years can be quite small.

You're twenty though, and you've spent a fourth of your life with this guy. 25% of your lifetime has been on and off with this one guy! Of course I can see why you want to make things work and you would be hesitant to break up for good. Ultimately your happiness needs to come first though. It is important to go into a relationship being the best person that you can possible be. I cannot stress how important it is to work on personal problems and improve one's self when you are single. Once you get into a relationship most of your time and energy is spent on the relationship and the we's and us's and moving forward as a couple. Although you can still work on yourself, it is so much easier and faster when you are single.

My boyfriend had a bad history with drugs, and came clean, but I find even ten years later he still finds himself tempted when times get hard and this bothers me. A few months ago he had a bit of a midlife crisis and actually tried to kill himself. I realized then how much I cared and loved him and couldn't imagine leaving him. He thought for sure I would leave him when he was in the hospital. The real problems came when he came out of the hospital. Because he had to stand on his own feet and get his life back and order, he constantly had me over his shoulder and worried sick about him. I was just waiting for him and our relationship to get better again. I found it so frustrating when he made mistakes and drank too much, or had no confidence. Whereas if he was single he would have been able to do things on his own schedule without the added pressure of me expecting things to be done when I wanted them done. I've found when your partner is doing work on themselves when they're in the relationship, it is crucial they are doing the work for themselves. I always have to remind my boyfriend not to do things for me, because if we have to break up for whatever reason or spend time apart, I cannot and will not be his everything. If you do become your boyfriend's everything it is easy to see what happens when you're not in the picture anymore. He goes right back to his old self and his true colours come out.

It's nice to have someone supporting and helping you out in your times of need, but if you think about, when you have a problem you are the one that needs to put in the work. Nobody can do that for you. If your boyfriends not in a good place right now, maybe it's best you weren't together. You don't want his mood and lifestyle to rub off on you.

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This is very long so I have

Submitted by mpramage on Sat, 29/09/2007 - 14:25.

This is very long so I have only skimmed it, but I notice alcoholism, drug use and infidelity. You think he may have a mood disorder, he is selfish immature (your words) and I am thinking the only reason you are together is that you haven't worked out how to be apart, and it is a 5 year habit. The idea that two people are "meant for each other" is a romantic fantasy!
Your are drained of energy and out of control. It seems to me that getting out for good would be one way of getting your life back. It will be painful for a while, but after a few months that will stop and you can do other things. You are only 20, and a relationship is supposed to improve your life, not be a hardship!

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