Home » forums » Relationship Problems

(Her son makes her) need a bit of space

Submitted by nightfrog on Fri, 21/09/2007 - 18:33. Relationship Problems

Hi, i'm 35 and have been seeing this 32 y/o girl for around 9 months. I really have genuine feelings for her and compliment her often. She has low self esteem and claims she is shy, after beeing stuck in an unloving relationship and getting away from it last year, having only her 11 year old son to communicate with.

I was always aware that she wanted something 'not too serious' for the time being but we carried on seeing each other despite my strong feelings for her, hoping that one day, her feelings might change for the better.

She feels it is not fair on me and that she doesn't expect for me to 'wait for her', but i feel she is worth the wait.

Whilst i understand her son is her main priority, i have always tried to include him in everything we plan and have fun together but it is always a struggle to see each other as the dad doesn't really look after him and she doesn't rely on babysitters.

It appears her son is finding it difficult to accept living without his dad (who now has a new girlfriend and baby), seeing his mum and myself together and going to a new school.

Since she had a chat to her son about his problems, she has told me that we should avoid seeing each other when he is around (that's one way of seeing things, the other would be for him to get used to me) and seems to make excuses, such as she needs time on her own, space, a breather.

I have accepted to try and give her some space by not texting her as often and only calling her a couple of times a week and suggested we arranged to see each other in a couple of weeks.

Most of my friends think i should let go, but i really like her and she says she likes my company and i am a lovely guy but is not yet ready for anything serious.

My head says that i should listen to my friends and forget about her but my heart still wants to be with her as often as possible.

When we talk, i am never sure wether she genuinely needs a bit of space to think, if she is using her son as an excuse not to see me and if she will ever let me back in her life, even for 'nothing serious'.

Any advice/opinion would be most appreciated.

» login to post comments | previous forum topic | next forum topic

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

A family power struggle

Submitted by mpramage on Sat, 22/09/2007 - 08:43.

This s a common situation after a divorce, that one of the children takes on the role of the lost spouse. Your girlfriend's son, has stepped up to guard and protect his mother, and he does not want to share that with you. His basic natural position is that if his dad isn't going to be with her, nobody else can except him, the son.
I expect you have seen this with other families, and it causes great stress between the new couple. The father is out of it, on his way, and you are left with the fall out.

The mother has to make it clear to the son that he is still a child, she is an adult and will continue to care for and love her son, and she needs a man to support her. I don't get the impression from what you write that she is ready or able to do that. A child of 11 is not in a position to dictate his mother's relationship but just now she may not be able to stop him. She knows how to manage him better than anybody else, however, so I suggest you give her a bit of space to see if she is going to straighten things out, and if after an agreed time nothing has changed, then you will have a chance to re-consider.

» login to post comments

spot on

Submitted by nightfrog on Sat, 22/09/2007 - 14:03.

Thank you very much for the reply.

This is exactly the situation, she is not able/ready to dictate anything that might go against his will, by fear of him being unhappy, which is perfectly understandable to a certain extent but makes other people unhappy in the meantime (her for her lack of freedom and me by association).

Wether she lacks motivation to do so because i am not the 'right' person for her and she believes she can find 'better' or because she really needs to sort her head out, is anyones guess unfortunately, so i guess i'll just have to wait until she misses me or not...

» login to post comments