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He wants me but won't leave her

Submitted by junglehamster on Tue, 04/09/2007 - 21:01. Relationship Problems

Very long story but to cut it short.. I've been seeing a married man for 7 years now. I had chances at the beginning to make it all happen, for us to be together but stupidly, I didn't take them. He came to live with me 5/6 years ago but he went back after 3 weeks. Then I got pregnant and he moved in when our son was 7 months old. Then moved back out 3 months later because his wife and daughter wanted him back and because he couldn't deal with my 'past' (for turning him down, and because I used to be 'flirty'). Since then he's got me an engagement ring, and he's promised he'll come home because he truly wants us to be together - he says its just easier to stay where he is and that he doesnt want to hurt anyone. Its absolutely killing me now. I know I have the option to walk away but I can't just sit here and watch while he plays happy families knowing its me he wants to be with. And if I just disappear he'll just track me down and take our son away from me. I'm in a lose-lose situation and don't know what to do any more. He's my life. I've cried every night since he went back to her, yet I know its all my own fault one way or another because I got myself into this. Not really sure what I'm asking for here. Reassurance or something I guess. Or some way to make his wife see he's STILL cheating on her (which is difficult when she knows he loves me and that he can't let go of me!!). He's going on holiday in a few weeks and I'm having to take time off work because I can't handle it. Really don't know what to do any more.
Any advice...please...anything

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Married Boyfriend

Submitted by Rockxie on Sun, 28/10/2007 - 16:09.

I just wanted to say that I know this is painful and I am sorry for that. You ARE the victim and so is his wife. This guy gets ALL the choices. He has what his wife thinks is a monogamous relationship with her and he also gets to have you. Often when the relationship between two people gets tense (his marriage), the person who is most uncomfortable (him) triangles in a third person (you). You have allowed the relationship with this man to be more important to you than your relationship with yourself! You must walk away. It is not going to get any better. You deserve much more!

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he won't leave her EVER

Submitted by akak123 on Mon, 10/09/2007 - 22:08.

This question already has an answer. It's just not the answer you want to hear.

Although you and him having this affair is wrong by almost every established religion and ethical codes, he is actually doing one thing right.

She is his wife. Whatever problems he says they have, whatever problems you think they have, and however close you think the two of you are, the reality is that she is his wife.

He has no obligations whatsoever to you. He did not make a vow to you to stay until death. He made that vow to her.

In the case of a divorce, she is the one with financial claims and not you.

You need to realize your situation is nothing new. There is nothing that makes your situation "different" or "special" from all the other extra-marital affairs out there.

As the mistress in this old story, you will always be trying to get him to leave her (the wife) for you. There are only a few outcomes to this affair:

1. He stays with her and you stay with him, this is usually how it is for a very long time.

2. He stays with her and you eventually leave, this is exactly how most affairs end.

3. The wife finds out and does nothing, smart wives usually do this because they know that things tend to stay the way they are. If she doesn't rock the boat, she stays in the position of power. It's ironic, but the very act of your affair puts you in the weaker position.

4. The wife finds out and leaves. You would think he would then marry you. Big mistake! Just because he doesn't have her anymore doesn't mean he wants to marry you. Why should he? He's gotten you to stay for 7 years, with no tangible commmittment from him, and the ensuing divorce will teach him to not expose himself financially again.

5. He leave his wife and marries you. Congratulations. You are now the wife in the play we call an affair. He cheated on her with you, people tend to repeat their cheating habits. It's proven by the professionals (PI's, therapists, shrinks, the clergy). If you're smart, you won't trust him, nor should he trust you for the same reason.

What's the answer to your question?

It's what you've known all along. Walk away.

Whatever he says, he's been stringing you along. That's reality.

No, you are not the victim. The victim is his wife. You went along with this for 7 years or however long you have known he was married. He used you, true. But then you knew the score the day you found out he was married.

You might consider the great injustice you've committed towards his wife and any children they may have.

I've seen it from so many positions in this play and I've been in more than one of the positions in the play as well. What I've never done is deny this, the only happy ending to an affair is when the affair ends, the mistress moves on to a healthy relationship with a single man, and the married man goes back to his wife. It's the same, if the cheater is a woman and there is "another man", same story, different genders.

Now, you could do some other things I'm sure you've thought about:
1. Tell the wife. You'll piss her off more, if she already secretly knows, and she'll stay with him just to spite you. Also, he'll trust you even less and might just find a more troublesome mistress.

2. Give him an ultimatum. If you do, you'll just threaten his security and enforce his original stance of staying with his wife. You have absolutely no leverage with him. If you are not nice and give him sex, he can just walk away. He has the ultimate backup and insurance. It's called a wife.

3. Do nothing. This is usually what happens in an affair, who knows, another 7 years might pass.

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