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Please Help...Boyfriend Cheated On Me With Men, Women, Transexuals etc...

Submitted by magic440 on Sat, 25/08/2007 - 00:55. Gay Issues and Problems

I have been in a relationship with my bf for 3 years. At the beginning of our relationship I found a number of porn sites on his computer that were homosexual, older women, or transexual porn. I also found out that he had been secretly meeting up with people online for casual sex. I later found out that his sex partners included men and women. I was very young at the time and chose to stay with him and helped him get counseling. He was faithful for year and half and then almost out of nowhere he started again. He began posting ads and meeting with sex partners which this time included transexuals, crossdressers, and everything in between.I only found this out 6 months after he had began again and broke it off and moved out of the apartment.

I am feeling very confused. I am furious at him for the betrayal but I find myself more upset with who he cheated on me with rather than the cheating itself. He is adamant that he does not know why he does this and he is not emotionally attracted to men but tells me that something takes hold of him when he is chatting online and in the end it doesn't matter if its a man or a women or someone in between. I have a very hard time believing in bisexualty, I think there is always a preference, but I don't know what to believe. Why would he want to be with men, women, crossdressers, transexuals, post ops? I just don't understand. I want to understand.

I also find myself asking why I didn't see it? How could I have missed the signs when I caught them so easily the first time. I know now that I should have ended it with him the first time but even now after he has hurt me terribly I find myself so worried about him. What he is doing is so dangerous and I am even more concerned that he continued to have unprotected sex with me while he was doing this? I also find myself wanting to help him. This seems so wrong. I should be angry and hating him and yet I just want to find out why he did this and whats wrong with me that I stayed and didn't see it a second time? He says he loves me, always has, but I don't know if I believe if anything was real. Was it? I'm so confused. Please help. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions. Has anyone been through this ?

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Similar situation

Submitted by ss on Tue, 28/08/2007 - 01:46.

To make a long story short, I am going through the same thing, only we've been together for 6 months and I fell in so in love with this man. I found out a month ago. He denied meeting up with any of them but it's clear in the emails. I also wanted to help him so I gave him a second chance although I am crushed and VERY confused. I told him I would help him and do my best to understand as long as he's open and honest with his feelings and actions. Your letter sounds like I wrote it. I feel the same. Last night I found out that he's still going to the websites. When I confronted him he said he didn't "do anything" he's just looking. I broke up with him, but I am so torn. I know he doesn't have anyone to talk about this with, but I can't help him while my heart is involved. I thought I found my perfect guy, we fit in every other way.

I also do not know what to do. I feel like I should just run like hell and worry about myself, but it's not easy when you love someone. I am so worried about him, and worried that I could have caught something from him. This is crazy.

If you find any information that is helpful. I would be gracious to hear about it.

I'm sorry you are going through this as well.

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Not the only one! Really

Submitted by mpramage on Sat, 25/08/2007 - 08:44.

Firstly, you are not the only person to have been in a similar situation.
Your boyfriend has compulsive sexual behaviours and he can neither stop them on his own nor control them. once he is in thir grip. It is a form of addiction. There is help for him if he chooses and research under 'compulsive sex' will take him to sites with useful information about it and how to work with this.

You however have needs too. You have been betrayed and let down and all you thought was real you now have to question. This is very hard, but you have to take care of yourself, not him. Only he can sort himself out. You didn't see the signs because you love him, weren't looking for them and didn't want to see them. You could have some codependent aspects to your personality and there are good books on amazon if you want to check that out.

You might benefit from some counselling when you feel ready.

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