I have been married for 8 months. We are newlyweds. He doesn't want me at all. I don't exactly crave sex all of the time but I do need more than once a month. I am 24 years old and an ex-model. Men hit on me all of the time. I would never cheat but I can't help but wonder if I married the wrong person. To me, he is the most beautiful person in the world, I want to be the same to him. Lately, after he said I nagged him on the issue, I totally backed off. We go days with out touching or saying much to each other. I have just tried to focus my attention inward and change me. I got my law degree and am now studying for the bar. I fill up my day with distractions. However, the problem is still there and it makes me so sad. We used to do it 3 or 4 times a day. Now, he says I'm beautiful but he just does not want me. Should I leave my marriage?

hi my wife and I have been married 10 yrs together for 17 yrs since she 16 yr old me 18 yr old. Five months ago she told me she was no longer attracted to me though loved me very much and cared for me. A book I found helpful to understand what was going on was Passionate marriage by Dr Schnarch. We tried unsuccessfully for a child for one year only to find that we both had fertility problems. She has finally agreed for us to see marriage guidance so I live in hope. Hang on in there and in the mean time pleasure yourself.

Yes.

Oh - why? Because when I was in a relationship and started to not want sex much with my girl, the reason didn't matter. If it's not a situation or misunderstanding that can be resolved by the two of you speaking openly and working together, then do you really want another 40 years of it? Important elements of closeness are missing, aren't they? As a lawyer you'll see plenty of examples.

This is the key sentence - "We go days with out touching or saying much to each other." I don't want a partner like that, and I don't want to be a partner like that.

I'm in the same situation except I'm not married. I don't know what to say except I completely understand the pain. I've never been in a situation like this before and I love my boyfriend. It's so confusing. He says he's attracted to me still and yet he doesn't want to have sex. I don't get it. He is affectionate with me but when it comes down to being physical he becomes cold. It's so painful. Everyone says...don't bring it up, focus on yourself etc. Thing is, after a while you have to decide whether to move on. That's the hard part when you committ to someone. Another thing that you mentioned is that there are all these other men hitting on you. I'm in the same situation but it gets to the point where it doesn't matter because the person that you love and think is the most beautiful person in the world doesn't "want" you anymore. I've been doing a lot of research because people are quick to say he's having an affair or he's gay. I don't think that's it for my situation at least. I think it has to do with pressure, hidden resentments, stress and other issues. Resentment within a relationship is very difficult though to deal with and now I have my own. This situation creates a viscious cycle and even though you concentrate on your self and your own accomplishments it's still very difficult not to focus on the fact that another day has passed that you have been rejected by the person you have chosen to be with. I understand what you are going through.

I totally relate to what you are going through ; its a mirror of my own situation ; I have been together with my boyfriend for 18 months now and have had to literally beg for physical intimacy/affection the past four months; he does not even like to kiss or cuddle anymore , it leaves me so very frustrated and feeling resentful towards what I perceive as his rejection of me. I tried to be patient however coupled with other problems of lack of communication and selfishness on his part I have called it quits and decided to move on ; this was a painful decision but one I had to regrettably take for my own sanity and well being. Now I am single again although I still love him very much and hoped things would have turned out differently; i hope that time will heal and I can put this behind me and move on. At least now I don't have to live with the frustration and constant doubts which were effecting my self esteem. Good luck.

Hi,

I just wanted to say how comforting I found your comments. They are like a mirror image of my own feelings at the moment. I have been experiencing the rejection now for nearly two years, but like yourself, my partner is very loving in every other way. But you're right, over time the resentment starts to build, even though you don't want it to,and it's horrible, after all it's not a positive emotion is it? I guess for me, the resentment grows each time he promises to go to the GP to address the problem and then either forgets, is too busy, or finds something else to do istead. It doesn't stop me loving him though and I'm not interested in anyone else. I think the other thing is that your self-esteem then starts to erode, hence my recent decision to further my career with returning to study, in an attempt to focus on the things that I can change and that will make me feel good about myself. Ultimately, the sheer isolation I feel in living this sometimes is the worst thing to cope with I find. If you talk to any female friends, they don't tend to comprehend the situation you're in, then proceed to tell you how lucky you are and how they wish their partners would leave them alone once in a while - yes, very helpful! However, I'm beginning to feel that one day, I might have to choose whether to stay or go, because I think you can only go so far on your own with this. I have just started having counselling with Relate (on my own), in an attempt to try and get a better understanding of what may be happening for my partner, and as a means of support for myself.
Thanks again for your comments, it's good to know I'm not alone with this.

Perhaps you won't mind a man's point of view...My wife and I have been married for 7 years (no kids, though I have two daughters from a previous marriage) I have lost my libido. I masturbate occasionally but have sex with my wife very seldom (once a month) When we do have sex, I can't ejaculate. I've had all the tests and everything is normal. I am not gay and I'm not having an affair. I love my wife and do not want to lose her, yet I cannot just "force" myself to have sex with her. It simply doesn't work. She is an attractive woman: I kiss her a lot, we hold hands, we hug and cuddle all the time but my sexual feelings towards her approach zero. This is a very sad situation - even more for me than for her because I have NO idea what to do about it and feel inadequate. She swears up and down that she is OK with things as they are but I find it hard to believe

Yes men often find it hard to belive it when a woman says that the problem the man perceives as difficult doesn't bother her at all! I come across this over and over, and I think if a woman says it doesn't bother her, then it probably doesn't!
Men and women are differently made around sex, and what we do is project our own values onto the opposite sex instead of listening to what we are being told. Women have less need of sex than men, and the affection you give is more valuable than the sexual intimacy! Ask her if I'm right!

How sad for you that it has turned out like this. I really applaud that you are getting on with developing your own life and not completely focussing on the down side of your marriage.
I suggest that the roots of this are somewhere in his life history, and if you know enough of it you might be able to guess what the issue is. I think it possible that with the right approach it can be resolved, but he would have to be willing to face the situation and talk it over with either you or with the two of you and a therapist.
The distance between you now does not promise well for the future of your marriage, and since pressure from you seems like nagging to him, would showing him these postings be any use?