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Loss of libido/painfull sex

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 04/08/2004 - 02:18. Relationship Problems

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have a good and generally happy relationship.
We have one big problem though, for the last 5 years or so, we havn't made love. This has been because it hurts her when we do. I understand this, but it seriously getting me down now. I've tried getting her to see the doctor about it, managed to get her to go once, but unfortunately all the doctor said was that it was in her head and she should see a shrink about it! This has consequently completely put her off seeing another doctor.
We have had talk after talk after talk to try and sort this out. These always end up with her saying she will try to make love to me more often and of course nothing ever happens.
Just a couple of days ago, I decided to write her a letter letting her know my feelings about whats happpening.
Our biggest problem is that I work away from home and we don't see each other all week, only on the weekend. And of course this means that we have the kids swarming all over us as they have missed me, but we dont seem to get any time on our own anymore. I've tried to get her to go out more often with me, but she doesnt seem to be bothered about doing this as she prefers that if we go out we take the kids with us. I don't mind (in fact I enjoy them being with us) but I think we need to take more time to be ourselves. This is complicated by the fact that she is currently doing 3 jobs where she spends 5 days a week at work but then works each night as well. We do need the extra money but I would prefer her to at least drop one of them as she is killing herself with all the time working.
After I had given her my letter, we talked. It turns out that the biggest problem is that she basically doesn't have any interest in making love to me any more. I think that this is mainly due to the fact that she experienced pain, she is overworking herself and we dont spend enough time together any more. We do however both love each other very much.
I would very much like to get her to come with me to a sex therapist but she is adamant that she won't do this as she thinks that there is no way someone could help us.
I am completely at a loss as to what to do. I am just feeling more and more frustrated and angry at her even though I know there are reasons for whats happening i think that something is just going to explode soon.
Can you give me any suggestions as to what I can do about this?

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Loss of Libido/Painful Sex

Submitted by mpramage on Wed, 04/08/2004 - 10:41.

I think you have explained the situation with thoughtfulness and insight. There seem to me to be several issues here.

Firstly, there are a number of causes for painful sex and most of them are in the body not the head. The doctor did not give the right answer. It takes a lot of courage to seek help with such a problem, and no wonder your wife is reluctant to repeat the experience. However, she really might benefit from a sensitive discussion with a woman doctor who understands these things.

Secondly, she seems to not want too much intimacy, keeping the children close at weekends, not wanting to be alone with you. On the other hand, that might be a way of keeping you at a distance in case you ask for sex that she doesn't want.

There are many causes for loss of libido and pain is only one of them, the next commonest being repressed resentment or anger, followed by a whole load of other things. Also she is probably absolutely exhausted by the time the weekend comes.

You realise that counselling is needed here, but she really is adamant that she doesn't think it will help. Might it be possible that she doesn't want help and needs to keep the situation as it is? There may be events in her life history that have affected her with regard to sex and intimacy that she is keeping safely hidden, and would not want them to come out. Just a possibility.

You could seek counselling for yourself. One person can achieve a lot for a relationship, and it is not absolutely necessary for both partners to attend. You can find someone on the Find a Therapist" pages of the main web site or www.basrt.org.uk, or www.relate.co.uk

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Loss of Libido/Painful Sex

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/08/2004 - 20:53.

Your letter could`ve been written by my boyfriend. We`ve been together for 7years, 5 of which I haven`t been able to have intercourse. I first went to my GP about it 3 years ago and he had more or less the same reaction as your wife`s GP. He even made an appointment for me with a sex therapist but I didn`t show up. I`m not sure why I didn`t want to go because I really do want to have sex comfortably again. Whenever I`ve been back to my GP since he`s casually asked whether I`d done anything about my "problem". Finally this year I requested that he make another appointment for me. I actually thought it might be a physical problem and was worried that if I left it any longer the problem would worsen. I turned up this time and have been seeing a psychiatrist for 3 months now and will shortly be attending a psycho sex therapist. It turns out I have a completely healthy vagina and am suffering from a condition called vaginismus. I have been working with the psychiatrist on physical exercises as well as finding out what the original cause was and am making some progress. I am confident I will be enjoying regular sex again in the near future however the progress really is baby steps.
Up until now I have just done my best to avoid sex or situations which would lead to sex. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, my condition is no reflection on our relationship. There are many possible triggers for this condition.
It`s up to your wife when she wants to get help but the help is there when she needs it. My partner will have to come for therapy with me later in the treatment but the first contact had to be my own.
I would recommend that you continue to discuss this with your wife but do try to be supportive.
I hope you find the solution soon.

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