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warmhearted lady

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Submitted by warmhearted lady on Thu, 14/06/2007 - 19:10. Sex Problems for Women

I have been married for 33 years to a lovely caring man. However, we have had our fair share of relationship problems the real source of which have only become apparent more recently. After a few short years of marriage, I was unhappy with our sex life. This gradually stopped. Professional help was sought all to no avail. Many years passed (about another 25 to be precise!). I am now 54. Over the last five years I have wanted desperately to correct our relationship but didn't know how. The reasons for this is that my husband developed heart problems and I realised just how much he meant to me. I underwent professional help 18 months ago which did help very much and we became intimate again after all of these years. This has also created problems in that due to his health he takes a lot of medication amongst which were betablockers. Consequently, he struggled to maintain an erection. He obviously discussed this with the doctor who prescribed him Viagra and then Cealis. However, my husband felt the use of such drugs redeuced sponteneity. More recently, under medical supervision he has been taken off the betablockers with an improvement. However, I am a little concerned at the possible impact of this on his wellbeing. More recently I have realised and we have discussed that the source of many of our problems was my inability to have an orgasm in our early married life. I didn't think he knew!

However, with lots of determination I managed to achieve this about 12 months ago but only with the use of a vibrator. We are trying hard to maintain our new found intimacy but I know my husband finds my inability to orgasm with him difficult to cope with (as I do). He feels inadequate in my having to use a vibrator no matter how much I reasure him, this is my problem and not his! I would settle for him just being present when I orgasm in the first place. It makes me very sad to know that no other human being has witnessed this in me. Another looming problem that potentially could make me give up the lovely feeling of having an orgasm is that post sex and vibrator use I have started to experience extreme pain around the clitoris/vigina area.

It occurs some 24 hours afterwards. It has ruined the last two weekends as I have had to retire to bed with strong painkillers and wait for the pain to pass. Generally post sex I experience some shooting pain discomfort but this latest pain has gone to a much higher level. When I read this, I realise the multiple and tangled problems that have occurred around my sex life. Any advice or help would be most welcome.

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Sympathetic Thoughts

Submitted by Mature Man on Fri, 15/06/2007 - 10:37.

warmhearted lady:

I DO know what it is to care for, and be with, a partner for many years. As a man who has been happily married to a wonderful woman even longer than you two have been together, I sympathize with your dilemma, even if I'm not suffering. In fact, we give thanks over the fact that, even at our age, we still enjoy making love, and both usually achieve orgasm, just as we always have!

It seems to me that there are a couple of issues here. One is the pain YOU feel after sex. I am not a doctor so have no idea what that may be, but I would consult your ob/gyn about that as soon as you can.

The other big issue involves your sexual needs vs your beloved husband's health. I, too, am on BP medication, but very thankfully USUALLY have had no problems getting or sustaining an erection, or reaching an orgasm, even at my age. (I say usually because there are times when I do have a problem, perhaps due to lack of stimulation or whatever, and we find that that can be a self-fulfilling prophesy the next time... and the next! It then takes patience and love and understanding by both to "escape " from that cycle, and we have managed to do so.)

Sexuality is part of life. I would not enjoy having to go without it, and you obviously now feel the same way. I'm no expert, and certainly am not a qualified sex counselor. As a man, I can, of course, sympathize with your husband. It has to be difficult for him. However, it seems to me that if a vibrator helps satisfy you -- in conjunction with your dear husband's presence -- you and he should perhaps try to both rejoice that you can at least share that degree of sexual togetherness.

Feel free to post again, if you wish. I wish you both luck working this out together.

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Sympathetic Thoughts

Submitted by warmhearted lady on Sat, 16/06/2007 - 15:43.

Thanks for your reply. I am considering seeking medical help but currently trying to identify when the pain occurs. Is it when I have an orgasm (Idon't always!), or when I have had a particular long and less than gentle vibrator session (it could be). I've read somewhere than when a woman has sex (and orgasm) her bladder and pelvic floor muscles are displaced momentarily and the source of the pain could be related. I've also read that when there has been a long curtailment of sex then such pain can occur. I am obviously embarrassed about seeking medical help as I am in a related profession and know many on a professional level. I have also contemplated seeking advice out of the area but would still need a doctor referral. I have comtemplated giving up on sex but am reluctant to do so. I'm happy for you and your wife and your wonderful relationship and wish you many happy years together.

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Seek medical help

Submitted by Mature Man on Wed, 20/06/2007 - 08:34.

warmhearted lady:

If all else fails, please seek medical help, and don't be "embarrassed". Perhaps it COULD be a serious problem, after all, though I have no reason to even know if that is possible.

I've never heard of such a problem, but I also don't get to discuss such things with many women!! For all I know, it may be as you say -- that infrequent orgasms somehow have caused things to become uncomfortable in there when you DO have one. Perhaps the vibrator simply is "too much" stimulation somehow -- too intense or too prolonged? (You don't say how long you continue using it or how long you must engage in sex before you have an orgasm.) Or maybe masturbation or otherwise enjoying -- or trying to enjoy -- orgasms more often will eventually "loosen things up" and let you enjoy them again.

If you are as sexual a person as you suggest (and I know that I am), I don't think giving up sex, or trying to, would be a good idea.

My wife always has a single HUGE orgasm in intercourse and is totally "blown away" then. She also also very easily achieves her orgasm very early after we start intercourse, and has one enormous one, which is a mixed blessing. I love to be a part of that, watching and hearing and feeling her "go over the top", of course!

However, for whatever reason, I sometimes have trouble reaching orgasm myself, no matter how much more thrusting I do! She tells me over and over not to feel badly, but I want to, too, of course, and feel like a failure if I don't! She just tells me "You're NOT a failure as far as I'm concerned! You sure made ME feel wonderful!" (If I have trouble, I will masturbate vigorously afterward, lying next to her, while she hugs and kisses me, and sometimes can get there. Then she says SHE feels that she failed ME!)

Understand that stimulaton is easy for her. I want and crave more, but her "hangups" preclude it. I want so much to have oral sex, for example, but she says she simply cannot accept me down there and will not do it for me, either! (I actually want to give her pleasure that way more than even getting it done to me, but she simply cannot tolerate it, she says.)

As we age, our sexuality changes and each couple has to find their way, I guess.

I'm willing to discuss this more with you, so please feel free to post.

I wish you happiness.

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orgasm difficulties

Submitted by warmhearted lady on Thu, 21/06/2007 - 19:37.

Mature Man: I am experiencing a steep learning curve with regard to achieving orgasm. I am improving with practice! It used to take me at least one full hour of vigorous vibrator use which I believe is linked to the pain I have experienced on two occasions. I am now beginning to understand the importance of relaxation and enjoying the feelings with or without orgasm. The more that orgasm is sought, the more elusive it is. Something that you yourself referred to occurring on occasions. By relaxing, I am finding that the pain is not occurring but it remains early days and I am still fearful of it. I am trying to progress to achieving orgasm through masterbation alone but currently give up after about 30 minutes and resort to the vibrator in frustration! I am hoping that eventually if I can achieve this, then I may be able to include my husband in helping me achieve orgasm.

Therein lies another difficulty - he has not yet reconciled himself to my need for a vibrator and feels redundant because of it. I try to reassure him and explain that this is my problem not his! He does not have the responsibility to provide me with an orgasm - I do! If he tries to engage in too much foreplay, this diminishes his enjoyment and renders his orgasm with not much feeling. Should I therefore spend some time preparing myself before he joins me - though this then reduces the spontaneity for him. Despite the stopping of betablockers, his ability to maintain an erection is still a bit hit and miss. My dream and goal is for him to be part of my orgasm with the ultimate aim of him giving me one.

The problems that you have with regard to oral sex I don't think are uncommon and I used to feel in a similar way but have overcome my inhibitions and enjoy the giving but particularly the receiving. I have over the months done a lot of reading around the many aspects about sex - both the giving and receiving. I have learned so much and hope to continue to learn and enjoy whilst still young enough and before losing the urge! I am trying to encourage my husband to do similar.

Of course you are right, our sexuality does change as we age. I can't help but feel that given my life over again, I would lead it differently. I'm glad that the young people of today enjoy sex - as long as they are safe. They have much to teach some of us older ones perhaps!

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