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Fear of penetration after traumatic marriage..

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Submitted by sparklescutey on Tue, 29/05/2007 - 23:38. Sex Problems for Men

I've been dating a man for a few months now, while I don't think that i'm IN love with him i'm definately falling in love! The problem is, he was previously married to a woman for 7 years who would not have sex with him unless she was high and even then, he said it was as if she never enjoyed it and felt like rape most of the time. She was abused by her father as a child, eventually became interested in woman and left him. They've been divorced for 8 years now and he's not dated anyone since then, i'm the 8 year later rebound woman i suppose. Everything is fine up until it's time to put the condom on and it's all over at that point. He can perform oral sex on me and actually says he prefers that over intercourse. And I can do oral on him, it's just the actual intercourse that we have the problem with. He's taken the initiative to see a psyhcologist about it and she says that he is still very angry at his ex-wife and that is causing the problem. We spent this weekend together and we didn't have any kind of sex, oral or otherwise. He commented that as part of the process of getting better, that things will get worse as old trauma's are dealt with. Before his marriage he told me he had a VERY high sex drive and often thinks about sex but has never been able to masturbate to orgasam by himself.

OK, i do understand he has some problems to work through and i want to be supportive and proactive as much as i can, i'm just not sure how to do that. I'm frustrated because i very much want to be intimate with him sexually in all ways...but i feel bad at the same time because i can't ask that of him right now. What can i do to help him through this? Should i just wait for him to let me know? This is very much unchartered territory for me...

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Getting past problems

Submitted by Mature Man on Thu, 31/05/2007 - 08:49.

When you say "it's all over" when you start to put on a condom, what do you mean? Does he go limp or what?

As for problems, it may take patience -- and perhaps a good sex counselor, if you're both willing to talk with one.

I can only admit to having had occasional periods when I could not "keep it up" in intercourse (VERY frustrating for both of us) or could not cum, even though I did stay big and firm and brought her there easily. Either situation is frustrating, but she was wonderfully tolerant and reassuring, so we both set the scene in a different place, spent a lot of time just kissing and caressing, and I eventually came around and "got it back again"! Now, the "feedback" is positive, so I get hard easily (a sensual kiss or the sight of her sweet body has me up fully in seconds), and also generally cum powerfully right after I make sure she has had hers.

Problems like what you describe can be a feedback loop of sorts: The problem suggests that it will be there again next time, and, when it is, then the feedback gets even stronger, it gets worse, etc.

Have you tried making love in a new setting, somewhere else?

Have you also spent time just touching, kissing, enjoying being together first?

Also, what times of day do you both prefer sex? For me, early morning is my favorite, but she doesn't like it then. We found out that mid-morning through early afternoon were best for both of us, and now we try for those times -- and it's usually glorious!

I wish you luck. Sex is just too wonderful to go without!

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To answer some of your

Submitted by sparklescutey on Wed, 06/06/2007 - 01:08.

To answer some of your questions, as soon as the condom is on he starts to loose his erection. I've suggested something like sensate focus with him, we loosely adapted that to be prolonged foreplay/cuddling with a no sex rule so there's no pressure attached, just cuddling fun :) I prefer to have sex before bedtime, he says he has no preference as to time of day.

We've talked some more about this and I found out from him that it's not that he's unable to penetrate at all, it's just that he can't last more than a few minutes. I don't think it's that big of a problem especially since he's able to last a bit longer each time. Apparently prior to his marriage he was Mr. Sexaholic so this is really hurting his self image, ego, etc that he's unable to go for as long and as often as he was able to in his 20's.

He has no problem getting an erection and keeping it during foreplay or oral sex, just the actual intercourse part is a problem area. He told me that he's also afraid on an emotional level, understandable after a bad relationship. We think that since penetration is a much more intimate sharing of each other than oral sex or foreplay, that he is reacting to that emotional zzr. He's also afraid that I would leave him over this :( I've tried my best to reassure him that I most certainly would not! and that seemed to help his confidence.

I think that we just need to spend more time together and become comfortable and confident with each other and break the bad "feedback loop" involving erectile problems.

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