Why does my husband use prostitutes?
I've been married - happily - I thought, for 28 years. We've always had an adventurous sex life, in fact, if anything, my libido was higher than his. We tried all sorts of things sexually, some I really didn't like. We discussed these and I did try everything, even doing things that frankly "turned me off". I wanted to keep him happy and wanted a good sex life, so I was willing to experiment. He started introducing porn movies and although some were ok, I found some really pretty revolting and a total turn off, but we discussed this also. I didn't "ban" the porn movies, but he did drop most of the stuff I just couldn't handle.(i.e. bestiality).
A couple of years ago, our computer crashed and the guy who came to fix it discovered a huge amount of porn on it - really hard core, including bestiality. I had to stand there, totally humiliated, making excuses that someone must have used our computer while we were away. My husband totally denied it, saying it was "pop ups". I kept checking the computer from time to time, and found more stuff and more stuff. I asked him several times to stop accessing it, in case our teenage daughter stumbled upon it, but he would deny it was his doing. Around the same time, I began to wonder if he was having an affair. He would be himself for a while, then sink into a black mood and would be impossible to talk to. He'd be rude and arrogant towards me, then after a couple of weeks, back to normal. During this time (and since, I feel), he stopped "making love to me" - I often felt I could have been a blow up doll, just something to be used - no love or tenderness - just raw sex and whenever the opportunity rose, as "dirty" as possible.
I went along with it because I wanted to because I needed his attention and I wanted to be loved. I started checking on him and eventually followed him. He was picking up prostitutes and taking them back to an apartment we own in the city. At first, I made a hundred excuses in my head, but I watched him again and again. I simply didn't know what to do. Our daughter was about to face major surgery. How could I leave? I couldn't tell anyone what happened. I felt like a total failure, useless, ugly, inadequate. I'd add that my need to please him over these many, many years possibly stems from him maintaining from day one that we had much, much more than just a sexual relationship and although I didn't particularly "do it for him", he thought we had something much deeper. Over the years, he did critizise my appearance, put me down a bit, but I loved him so much. He's 8 years older than me and I was so in awe of him. (I know many men use the "my wife let herself go" excuse, but in my defense here, I am still a UK size 10, was a successful model, as well as a business woman, and still appear in magazine and newspaper articles. His colleagues and friends constantly commented on how "lucky he was", how attrative his wife was etc).
When I finally confronted him, he denied it at first, then admitted to one "experiment", then, when I bluffed him, admitted to 6 times with a prostitute. I actually think this has been going on for years (now some jigsaw pieces have fallen into place). I just don't know what to do. I blame myself, then get angry at myself for blaming myself. My head is just a mess. Why did this happen? He says he can't answer that - he just fancied a change. I get so, so angry. He said he wouldn't do it again. I suspect he probably is. Why don't I leave? I've lost so much already, my self-esteem, my confidence, my personality...I just haven't got the strength to loose my home and my life as well.
How could I explain this to anyone. I often think if I did, people would judge me and think that I must be frigid, that I must be a nag, I must be a rotten wife. I just can't handle any more hurt. I just want to know why a man would do this? He doesn't even have the sorry excuse that some guys use that their wife had got fat, or let herself go, or wansn't "putting it out" in the bedroom. He had none of these excuses, so why? I get so angry at his double standards. If I had ever had an affair or even a one night stand, I'm certain he'd have thrown me out. I am also angry at his double standards. It's ok for men, but not ok for women. How would all these guys drooling over internet porn feel if their wives were drooling over better endowed guys with perfect six packs every time they were out? Or their wives said they wouldn't have sex unless they were watching their favourite, well endowed guy getting it off.
So I would worry about porn addiction - it just grows and grows until they need a bigger thrill. I never gave much thought to porn or prositutes before, but now I worry a lot about it. Most of these girls are either drugged or co-erced, or both. 90% of hookers are drug addicts (and, yes, I have done my research). My husband desribed them as "business women". I can't believe a respected and loved man could risk everything, not just loosing his wife of 28 years, but his whole life could have been ruined if he had been caught. He would have destroyed his daughter, and also, I suspect, our older son would have disowned him. So why do men do it? Are men so stupid that they really believe porn stars and hookers do it because they enjoy it? Are they so shallow, that they expect their wife or partner to look like an air-brushed barbie doll? Don't they see that "using" these women is actually "abusing"?
Three new porn cd's arrived this morning. My daughter (nosey, as most teenagers are), could have opened the package. How can I "put it behind me", when it's still being shoved in my face? I'm not a prude and I never have been, but I just can't stomach porn anymore. It's unrealistic and damaging.
Sometimes I feel like I have a bullet lodged deep inside my soul. Should I just leave it there and risk it rotting or try to get it out, risking further damage?
Thankyou to anyone who reads this for "listening". If you are with a partner who's "too into" porn, I would be very seriously concerned. I don't know if it always leads to something more, but I'm beginning to believe usually does.
If anyone can shed some light on why my husband did this, why he risked so much for so little, please can you help me?