Why does my husband use prostitutes?

Internet Porn Addiction

I've been married - happily - I thought, for 28 years. We've always had an adventurous sex life, in fact, if anything, my libido was higher than his. We tried all sorts of things sexually, some I really didn't like. We discussed these and I did try everything, even doing things that frankly "turned me off". I wanted to keep him happy and wanted a good sex life, so I was willing to experiment. He started introducing porn movies and although some were ok, I found some really pretty revolting and a total turn off, but we discussed this also. I didn't "ban" the porn movies, but he did drop most of the stuff I just couldn't handle.(i.e. bestiality).

A couple of years ago, our computer crashed and the guy who came to fix it discovered a huge amount of porn on it - really hard core, including bestiality. I had to stand there, totally humiliated, making excuses that someone must have used our computer while we were away. My husband totally denied it, saying it was "pop ups". I kept checking the computer from time to time, and found more stuff and more stuff. I asked him several times to stop accessing it, in case our teenage daughter stumbled upon it, but he would deny it was his doing. Around the same time, I began to wonder if he was having an affair. He would be himself for a while, then sink into a black mood and would be impossible to talk to. He'd be rude and arrogant towards me, then after a couple of weeks, back to normal. During this time (and since, I feel), he stopped "making love to me" - I often felt I could have been a blow up doll, just something to be used - no love or tenderness - just raw sex and whenever the opportunity rose, as "dirty" as possible.

I went along with it because I wanted to because I needed his attention and I wanted to be loved. I started checking on him and eventually followed him. He was picking up prostitutes and taking them back to an apartment we own in the city. At first, I made a hundred excuses in my head, but I watched him again and again. I simply didn't know what to do. Our daughter was about to face major surgery. How could I leave? I couldn't tell anyone what happened. I felt like a total failure, useless, ugly, inadequate. I'd add that my need to please him over these many, many years possibly stems from him maintaining from day one that we had much, much more than just a sexual relationship and although I didn't particularly "do it for him", he thought we had something much deeper. Over the years, he did critizise my appearance, put me down a bit, but I loved him so much. He's 8 years older than me and I was so in awe of him. (I know many men use the "my wife let herself go" excuse, but in my defense here, I am still a UK size 10, was a successful model, as well as a business woman, and still appear in magazine and newspaper articles. His colleagues and friends constantly commented on how "lucky he was", how attrative his wife was etc).

When I finally confronted him, he denied it at first, then admitted to one "experiment", then, when I bluffed him, admitted to 6 times with a prostitute. I actually think this has been going on for years (now some jigsaw pieces have fallen into place). I just don't know what to do. I blame myself, then get angry at myself for blaming myself. My head is just a mess. Why did this happen? He says he can't answer that - he just fancied a change. I get so, so angry. He said he wouldn't do it again. I suspect he probably is. Why don't I leave? I've lost so much already, my self-esteem, my confidence, my personality...I just haven't got the strength to loose my home and my life as well.

How could I explain this to anyone. I often think if I did, people would judge me and think that I must be frigid, that I must be a nag, I must be a rotten wife. I just can't handle any more hurt. I just want to know why a man would do this? He doesn't even have the sorry excuse that some guys use that their wife had got fat, or let herself go, or wansn't "putting it out" in the bedroom. He had none of these excuses, so why? I get so angry at his double standards. If I had ever had an affair or even a one night stand, I'm certain he'd have thrown me out. I am also angry at his double standards. It's ok for men, but not ok for women. How would all these guys drooling over internet porn feel if their wives were drooling over better endowed guys with perfect six packs every time they were out? Or their wives said they wouldn't have sex unless they were watching their favourite, well endowed guy getting it off.

So I would worry about porn addiction - it just grows and grows until they need a bigger thrill. I never gave much thought to porn or prositutes before, but now I worry a lot about it. Most of these girls are either drugged or co-erced, or both. 90% of hookers are drug addicts (and, yes, I have done my research). My husband desribed them as "business women". I can't believe a respected and loved man could risk everything, not just loosing his wife of 28 years, but his whole life could have been ruined if he had been caught. He would have destroyed his daughter, and also, I suspect, our older son would have disowned him. So why do men do it? Are men so stupid that they really believe porn stars and hookers do it because they enjoy it? Are they so shallow, that they expect their wife or partner to look like an air-brushed barbie doll? Don't they see that "using" these women is actually "abusing"?

Three new porn cd's arrived this morning. My daughter (nosey, as most teenagers are), could have opened the package. How can I "put it behind me", when it's still being shoved in my face? I'm not a prude and I never have been, but I just can't stomach porn anymore. It's unrealistic and damaging.
Sometimes I feel like I have a bullet lodged deep inside my soul. Should I just leave it there and risk it rotting or try to get it out, risking further damage?
Thankyou to anyone who reads this for "listening". If you are with a partner who's "too into" porn, I would be very seriously concerned. I don't know if it always leads to something more, but I'm beginning to believe usually does.
If anyone can shed some light on why my husband did this, why he risked so much for so little, please can you help me?

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SERIOUSLY....

You know by his OWN admission that he's had sex with 6 prositutes...exposes your daughter to porn...AND your worried about the internet porn??????????

I'm with the other guy... STD's.. AIDS...it's OK because he's safe? YOur sure he is honerable enough to wear a condom? Yea, he's a real peach...and what about the ANIMAL stuff?

Seems to me a few thousand photos or videos on the internet porn is the LEAST of your problems. Perhaps your so numb that you can't see straight? I get the whole can't talk to the friends thing as well. I made the mistake of trying to do that with an out of town friend... that went over like a rock. She actually ended up trying to talk to my husband about how bad I felt about his porn use. WOW that was unexpected. I can't imagine going up to my friends husband and saying... "Hey Bill, I understand Betty is upset with your porn viewing... you might want to cut it out..." I don't know what the heck she was thinking. I was just trying to get another woman's perspective that isn't living in our state seeing him every day. Huge mistake. I encourage all of you women to talk to your friends... get out of the closet about this issue and I think we'd all find it is a muc bigger problem than we all really know. Maybe that way we can get more HELP for it. You know I searched for a therapist to deal with this in ALL of california... I found one 55 miles from me... JUST ONE and he's religious based.

And the women with the churching thoughts...Porns bigger than god for these guys. BOD may help the wife/gf... but getting "GOD" isn't going to cure any internet porn dude.

You have a denyer on your hands....not me ... not me...your done.

He wont admitt to a problem, he's not sick...no need for therapy... no need to fix it. He thinks he's perfect. Well Mr. perfect needs a dose of tough love. you need to walk out. heard of the alcholic that has to hit rock bottom or lose it all before it wakes them up... that's your man. egotistical P$%k needs to HEAR what your saying. He doesn't even consider your feeling or your kid's...selfishness isn't what you signed up for. It's not a problem for him... the problem is YOURS. So what are you going to do about it? Don't be afraid... act...do ...go. You can't imagine it better but it is possible. He's counting on your doormat status. You've spent alot of years getting walk on and by. He's gotten away with it all and you just STAY....WHY??? look hard at why.. your likly afraid. Find the power... face this....step up... protect yourself and your kids. He'll either get the wake up call...or he can just skip on down to the street corner and pick up another WHXRE. At list he wont be risking your life any more... then maybe you can go on to find true happiness. Wouldn't life happy alone be better than the hell your in NOW? Good luck...

Dear Laura

Dear Laura

My heart goes out to you, I understand the pain and confusion you feel as I share a similar experience.

You say you wonder why a man would do this. From what you describe, including your last question: 'why did my husband risk so much for so little?', I'm pretty sure that your husband is a sex addict. Although the term is often sniggered at by people who don't understand the condition, sex addiction has an increasingly demoralising and shame inducing affect on the person afflicted and has a devasting impact on partners. The acting out behaviour of addicts varies and can range from compulsive masturbation, hours spent downloading porn on the internet, visiting lap dancing clubs, massage parlours and prostitutes. There is a cycle to the addict's behaviour which is an unhealthy response to stress and a way of masking and running away from painful feelings and stuggles with life. This behaviour usually begins as a seemingly innocent decision (in other words, the addict is in denial about their behaviour), like buying a newspaper. Acting out then happens, for example phoning sex lines advertised in the paper, and following orgasm the addict feels deeply shameful and remorseful and usually vows to himself (and/or his/her partner) never to do it again - that next time he'll overcome the urge, and have stronger willpower to control his behaviour. The bottom line is that unless the individual accepts that he/she has a problem and needs professional help and usually the on-going support of a twelve step group - Sex Addicts Anonymous, the chances are that their life will become increasingly unmanageable as their behaviour becomes more extreme to maintain the 'high' they need. In short, sex is the addicts drug of choice - other people might choose booze or drugs.

My partner is a recovering sex addict. His recovery has included a psychotherapy orientated men's sex addiction group, Sex Addicts Anonymous and one to one psychotherapy. We still struggle with the impact of his addiction in our lives. I feel I have been to hell and back - it has to be one of the most painful experiences for a partner because the illness is steeped in shame and secrecy. Trying to re-build trust is so difficult. I have benefited from a partner's group and my own therapy. I urge you to get help. You aren't alone and there are people who can help you, whether or not you stay with your husband. Please make sure that any professional you see really does understand sex addiction though.

Please know that your husband's behaviour has nothing to do with what you do or don't do, how attractive you are, old you are, what you agree to or don't agree to do sexually with him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. And please do everything in your power to take good care of yourself and find ways of bolstering your self-image and self-esteem.

Good luck!

Thank you

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It does help a lot to realise that I am not alone.
Your answer makes sense to me - I brought the subject up again last week, after coming home in the afternoon unexpectedly....you can guess the rest. As usual, I do all the talking (which, inevitably ends in floods of tears & yelling)....all the while he just says nothing. The only response I got was a (patronising) pat on the arm and told "I know YOU have a problem with porn". Damn right I do!!! When I was terribly distressed, he did say he was sorry. But I can't get any answers, any input at all. I've asked him to think hard about his behaviour, and, if he cannot be honest with me, then can he at least be honest with himself? Can he ask himself my questions, and answer them, honestly, within himself?
I am beginning to understand that there are others in this situation - but, let's face it, it's just not something you want to chew over with friends! It's so hard to cope with this, when it's so hard to talk to anyone about it - and my husband just won't talk about it at all. I really believe that, until he accepts that he has a problem, there really is no way forward.
I was cheered to see that therapy has helped you. We tried Couples Councilling, (re the prostitutes), but he refused to discuss the internet/dvd's etc - saying he didn't want that brought up as it wasn't relevant! So we quit that (after two sessions). I think I shall take your advice and find someone I can visit alone.
Good luck to you too....I hope you find resolution and peace. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
L.

why does my husband use prostitues

Dear Laura, The Sex is something which never ends and particularly the man tend to have more sexual desires in this present conditions we are living. One becoz of the dress code we have in our culture. Frankly we say it is modern, fashion etc. What it real effects make in once indivual life. Frankly when a man see the beautiful women of either teen or even middle aged wearing the tight tee shirt and jeans exposing the body shape and breast, imagine what the man will tend to do, will he close his eyes and ran away from the spot and he will tend to stand there and look at that women once again. Frankly It is we who has spoiled our culture with all that saying the modern, fashion etc. The only thing that can control the human being from reaching out of bad deeds is nothing but some faith (may be God's) which we all lack in our western or american culture. Then what will keep us under control. What the psychortics or others can do. They can only read the mind of indivual and give the tips to control the effects. what if we have not followed it.
The best way to overcome such issues not rest with expecting your husband to admit that he has too much of sexual desire etc. My personal opinion is that try developing some religious faith in your
home. Let it start from yourself. Go to church yourself and then try to take your childrens with you and then try take your husband with you. Try this out for a while May be it will bring back your family happiness.

Hard to imagine why

It's hard for me to imagine why your husband would turn to prostitutes if you're stilll rather good looking (and I gather you are) and you're very adventurous and tolerant of sexual adventures between the two of you.

One thing I thought of immediately, though, is the problem of STD's! If he's having sex with others, I'm afraid I'd worry, if I were you, about my OWN health and life! You could become infected, after all!

I'm mature and my wife doesn't always want sex as much as I do now, nor is she willing to "experiment" much, but sex IS good when we enjoy it, and I LOVE her, so I would not use a prostitute!

Sorry I have no answers, otherwise, dear, but please do consider your own health and well-being.

Good luck!!!