This may be long so here is a little summary before you read too much and may find it not interesting.Grandma died, she lived in the Midlands whilst me and my older brother live at home with our parents. i was 21 he is 27. My best friend i knew for 2 years left, a girl older then me. Left me and broke up with me after the most pettiest row. If finally became sense that she used me through out my our relationship, but i was blind. Then my dear brother was planning his stag do before he got married. He didn't invite me to the stag do. Top of that he clearly had discussion with at least one friend about the situation. In short, i attended the wedding even though i didn t want to, moved out after it more or less for a work placement. i left the work placement cos i was too depressed. Moved back in. Try to bleach myself(i know there was many ways to do it, but i heard this was the most painful way, which i thought i deserved to, after killing myself in the family home). I failed, confessed to my doctor. Asked if i wanted pills, i said no, thats about that. I was still in depression even though i no idea and did it again 7 days later. Thankfully i somehow survived without any1 suspecting what i did.

Full Story
2006 January my brother called off his engagement to a local girl off, after claiming she wasn't pretty enough without make-up. Although she looked absolutely stunning to everybody else.

2006, i moved out early February to my university, for about 5 months. End of Feb my brother had already found himself another girl (As he was ready to settle down) He found the gal through the net on matrimonial website. Instead of the traditional Asians way of meeting through their parents. He had planned to get married late July.

So my parents went on trip to India to buy all traditional wedding stuff for asian weddings, gold, clothes,etc. They go on a yearly trip, and all hell brakes loose between me and my brother. One time i was 13 and i was running scared from him and i found a kitchen knife to defend my self. His reaction, he laughed and attacked and disarmed and beat me up.

Anyway this time around mum and dad went and i came home on a thursday night to see them off. And was planning to stay until sunday. I was watching sumthing on TV about 7.30ish. And relations was ok between us two. He came downstairs in a mood and had a right go at me for the volume was so high. But the funny thing was it wasn t really that high. Long story short, it was a manipulative plan for me to keep to myself and stay at university away from the family home. But why? So he could make an excuse not invite me to the stag do if it was ever brought up between family or friends.

Woke up one day in late March from a phone call, it was him. I had bad reception and i said, hello, hello. He replied 'oi u DICKHEAD listen, look, Grandma died last night, u got the message,(I replied yes), ok i going to work' I was left puzzled, whether to be mad @ the way the news was broken to me or death of grandma. Totally new experience and one of the first death in my family in my life. I was shell shocked.

Parents returned in time for the funeral, they went a day before and told me and my brother to come on the day so we could pick up some friends of my late Grandma.
Day of the funeral, woke up got ready. My brother came downstairs and blew a massive argument over nothing. He left me so upset that i wanted to make my own in my car. But i remained with him and then picked the guests and went to the funeral to avooid any questions mum and dad asked.

Now here is my brother the genius at work. I heard a rumour through my aunty that he is planning to go European destination for a holiday. I thought he will inform me about the tickets and prices when he needed to. Instead i find out in embarrassment.

I was under orders by mum and dad to come home for the weekend to travel to my brothers, soon to be in laws place. I was fed up as i been there half a dozen times within a few months. We headed down there. Me my brother was socialising with his new to be brothers in law's. And one pop's the question, 'hey, not long to go before ur stag do, two week times isn't it'.
He replies cunningly swiftly,'Yeah yeah, it is, u wanna come', saying it in a way where he obviously didn t want his in laws to come. But they weren't bothered, but raised their eyebrows to what he said next.
He looks as me and says,' Hey you should come as well if u want'. A slight awkward silence happens between a our little social group whilst the parents are gossiping away in their local language.

I was furious, i kept it inside. I wanted to storm out. But that may of wrecked the wedding. Me and my brother never spoke of it ever since that day. Not even today.

I told my father 2 weeks before the wedding of my hate and of what had happened and that i will not be turning up. He calmed me down. He told me turn up. So i did only with the respect of my parents.

Moved back home
At the day before party he sickened me. When dancing with all his friends. We were all in a little circle and he invited me in gave me a hug in front of everyone. Letting everyone think we proper good brothers and he loved me dearly.

The party eneded that night and it was 5 of us in a tent at the back of the house. After i did all the chores
and cleaned up at the party i sat with them drinking. They were making jokes about something. Then someone was mentioning something about the stag do. I asked generally how many people went? and one of my brother friend's gave me the shush with a finger over his mouth. The others didn't know what was going on as they were drunk and arguing over sumthin funny. My heart broke, i realised he had discussed his plan about the stag do with some of his friends. I thought he must of told them some bullshit dat i was busy with my studies. (i just broke down in tears while writing this for the first since).

Time to end this long story if anyone is reading. Wedding went well he went on honeymoon. Came back whilst plenty of family were still over. I moved out for work placement. All excessive family flew back home. I was in my flat far away from home. Extremely homesick, as i haven't really felt the comfort of home since January 2006 and it was now late August. All kinds family were around when i moved back in from university.

I quit my job after a week as i fell into depression. I didn t know it, i just felt sad as if i just had a bad day. Everyday. I started to feel suicidal so bought a bottle of bleach. After researching it was the most painful way to die. i opened the bottle but was too scared to do it. So i quit my job and returned home. Where everyone was happy and except me, they assumed it was my failure and left me to my sorrows. i had a glass full of bleach. i threw it up. talked to my doctor. he gave me advice. i wanted out so badly i tried again. but twice the dosage and tried hard as possible to keep it in, but again i threw up. after two minutes. It was the most scariest experience having it in my body for at least two minutes whilst heart kept
on pumping faster and faster. I don t know how i survived. I don't know if it was luck, mirarcle or God.

I carried on with my studies a wreck in my first semester. After my January exams i felt i made full recovery and was back to my senses. I started to laugh again, hang out with mates and get drunk again.

Whilst at home me and brother acted like nothing ever happened(he doesn t know about suicide). And things carried on normal with a new person in the house his wife. She is charming and nice.

But now i still have some sleepless nites about what happened. I burn with anger at the sly tactics he used and the way he broke the news about the death in the family.

Now what should i do? There is a number of options i see fit for this?

-One confess to my father what i did, which i will do in a couple months.
-Either play 5 a side football or go to the pub with my brother mates. And punch directly at the nose(where he has had surgery cos it was bent previously) Then ask him while he was bleeding on the floor why he didn t invite and then tell all his mayes he drove me to my suicide almost. Then eventually turns into a family matter and proabability i move out.

-Confront him with no violence in front a few family members and his wife and ask him so he can t dodge the
question

There are many things going through my head. I feel i thoroughly recovered but there is still a mental block in my head pschologically in guilt of what i might of caused my parents and this newly married girl to go
through if i died.

If there is a soul in the world listening. I would appreciate some advice and also to thank you if you have read til the end of this as well.