Sorry, this is long winded:

About six months ago, my girlfriend of 5 years and I had a falling out. It ended up that we were about to be together for five years and she wanted to know where we were going as far as marriage and stuff (I'm 23 and she is 22 at the moment). I told her that I would change many things for her, one of them being rough sex and another being the way I talk to her. I wasn't always nice to her with the things I'd say but since then I have changed and talk to her very kindly, jokingly and our sex life had become amazing!

As far as marriage goes, I hadn't asked her but she was pushing the issue, saying things like "You know, my dad would really like if you talked to him first about us". So I did and her dad was overjoyed and wished us the best.

About 2 months ago, a girlfriend of hers from high school contacted her to hang out. Her and three other girls were going over there and I was fine with it, I've always been fine with her doing her own things. However, the other three girls backed out and I got a very weird feeling about her going by herself. I told her it might not be a good idea because I wasn't sure what was going on and neither was she. It turned out that her friend was having heart surgery and I told her to go and support her.

Through the course of the next few weeks, I was never invited over to meet her friend even though since this girl was important to her to see every week. I thought it was a bit weird. So I confronted her about it and she offered to take me there right at the moment (and explained that it was kind of my fault, due to my schedule at work) but I was being stubborn and said no, because I felt like she was only inviting me because I wanted her to.

About 1 month ago she was over there very late. I get out at about 1-2 am and had been texting her to see if she'd be home when I got home but she was still there. I didn't have a problem with that, however she never invited me over there and texted me to say she would call me in the morning because she didn't know if she'd hear the ringer over the loud music. I got very suspicious and very angry.

I called her anyway to find out what was going on and she picked up and acted as though nothing was wrong. I kept repeating myself saying "Thanks for inviting me" and "You can go back to your party now". She ended up feeling terrible but I felt as though I was in the right.

I pulled over in my car and told her that I would stop by if she wanted me to. She did want me to, so I did. She greeted me outside and we talked in my car for a bit. She told me that I was everything to her and that she loved me with all of her heart and that if I were to ask her to marry her, she would say yes. This felt like it was out of nowhere but it seemed sincere and she felt genuinely bad. I went inside with her to meet her friends and they were all nice, despite my prejudgment. I was going to leave after a couple of hours and planned on her coming home to sleep with me (not sex, just sleep) and she said she was thinking about spending the night there. I got angry again, probably because I wasn't getting my way. She said that her friend thought it was a great idea but I still pressed that she should come home to me.

In short, I was being a total asshole. I am not normally like that though, I was totally out of my element and mind.

The rest of the weekend, I ended up being very sick and she hung out with me on all of Saturday. I got mad at her again because she fell asleep in my bed next to me because she didn't get enough sleep the night before and I was still angry about the night before. I told her that i felt like she put her friends before me and when she was on the phone later, I could hear her friend telling her "make sure you tell him that you're not putting anyone before him" so I got angry again because she was telling her friend what I had just told her. I felt like she was airing our dirty laundry.

On Sunday she went back out to her friends house again and said she would call me on her way home. I was sick all day in bed and got a call around 8 pm. She called to tell me she was eating over there. I got angry AGAIN because she said she would call when on her way but she called to tell me she was eating over there. She felt terrible again.

On Monday, I woke up and felt awful about everything. I wasn't in my right mind and I sort of apologized to her but didn't really say it about everything that had happened. I tried hanging out with her more than usual and went out of my way to get her cough drops and food because she got sick (not as bad, just sniffles and cough) too.

Things went on and were a bit weird. She became cranky with me and was probably tired of me treating her the way I did. I think I stressed her out beyond the point of reason.

Well just a week and a half ago, she dropped a bombshell on me and said that she doesn't know what she wants and is confused by us taking the next step; keep in mind that I did all of the marriage stuff for her because I'm ready when she is ready. I've had a VERY hard time dealing with this the first week and I couldn't stop text messaging her and apologizing. She, in my mind was so angry at me that she just wouldn't reply some times and actually turned her phone off on me one night.

I was so confused by what was happening that we broke up (She said because she didn't know what she wanted anymore), the next day I called her late and told her how sorry I was for the arguments and stuff, tried to talk to her the next day but she wouldn't, I broke up with her the next day because she wouldn't talk to me, skipped one day, made up with her the next day where she said that she was scared of us taking the next step (probably because of what I did), skipped a day, texted her the next day (where she shut her phone off), sent her flowers the next day and also argued with her the next day on the phone where she told me proof of her love and commitment to me and I cried so hard and felt so wrong. Then on the next day then I couldn't leave her alone on her phone so I told her I had to delete her number out of my phone. I asked if she would come over before I did and she said she would, she even left her friends house to do so.

When she came over, we talked about a lot of things, hugged, tickled, kissed and she finally opened up and said that "I'm a cool guy and need to start accepting people." I told her that in the future I could use her radar for people because I really don't give her enough credit and she said that could work. I thought things were almost back to normal after that but she said she still needs time to sort everything out and I didn't refuse because I felt so awful about what I had done. She told me that i need to think about Us and our future.

I have since, for the past couple of days left her be because I think it's for the best but I write a small email to her on these days expressing how sorry I am and how stupid I was.

I think I took her for granted and can't even express how bad I feel for being so stupid. Does anyone have any advice for me, the guy who made a HUGE mistake that wishes he could take it all back?