I'm a female who suffered abuse as a child and porn formed part of that abuse. Now suddenly over the last couple weeks i have discovered/exploring my sexuality. Discovering i am liking stuff that happened in the abuse - which is dead confusing but with the help of a T and helplines am realising that what is happening now in terms of my sexuality, although there are similarities to the abuse, now its my choice and its in my control. Should point out i don't have a partner. Anyways i was flicking through TV and found a very very soft porn program and found myself watching it whilst exploring myself. The problem being it was clearly made for men, lots of women in it, and only one or two men and the men that were in it had there parts blurred out, which seemed very sexist considering the women where showing everything. Anyways i want, i think, to get a video or dvd which is more full of sexy well toned men - not gay, just something that shows the men's body just as it shows the females body, and something that is relatively soft, just to get me more turned on and enjoy my experiences of exploring myself a little more. I definitely do not want anything too hard core as that was what was used in the abuse, and would be too triggering. I saw a video thats about self loving and that looked interesting but it would be women touching themselves and i could learn from that but i really need to see a very sexy man as well. Believe me this is all a bit too weird for me to be thinking of or doing but it feels good to explore my sexuality after years of burying it through disgust.

My question is where do i look for these without finding lots of inappropriate and dirty porn sites. I don't want people knowing i have looked at porn sites. I tried ann summers website and also beecourse which is the one with educational dvds/videos on. Any other safe websites that you know of? If i am feeling brave i will go into ann summers tomoro as they may have a different range of vidoes then on the website.