Hello.
I met this gentleman on a dating site about 6 months ago. The site was generally geared towards finding people for discreet affairs however; there are those times when people can seem to have a certain chemistry and just click on all aspects. My situation involves me living with someone for 14 years in a just recently " open " relationship and this particular man who has been living with someone for about 17 years. Between both he and I, we've experienced pretty much the same situation problems which caused us to look for what was missing in our present relationships. Each of us were getting no sexual pleasure from our spouses and no passion of any kind. Our relationships had become dull and void. We both seemed to have more of a friendship with our partners than anything else. We were both starving for attention and love. Passion and fulfillment. Excitement and pleasure. None of which we were receiving from our partners.
This man approached me first and began courting me, so to speak in a rather eager fashion. I of course, was very anxious and excited to receive such attention. Although I will say that in the beginning I was rather apprehensive and cautious since I didn't know him from Adam. We began emailing back and forth for a couple months and then exchanged photos and numbers. As the days turned into weeks, he and I chatted each day and night on the phone, getting to know each other better. It got to the point that we had gotten used to talking everyday and saying good night to each other every evening. At first, we had a bit of a problem getting our schedules to coincide with each other since his job is more or less in control of his life. He works for a business as a sales consultant and never knows his scheduled appointments until the actual day he will be meeting his potential customers. He also travels long distances each day, never knowing what part of the state he will be located in to meet potential buyers. He goes to people's homes to sell these products. A typical day for him may be 2 - 3 appointments say maybe the first at 10 or 11 am, the second at 2 or 3 pm. and the third at 6 or 7 pm. Each appointment varies in time but is usually about 4 and sometimes up to 6 hours long.
My job is much more structured. I have a regular schedule of 8 hours in the daytime, 5 days a week. So, he and I try to make time to get together when we can. Of course, everything is always the best in the beginning and very fresh and new. That has really not changed much as yet. His spouse has become quite suspicious, ( with good reason) because she is not receiving much attention from him anymore. She knows he is preoccupied. He treats me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and has all the lovely lines to go with it. I must say that from the very start of our affair, I've never trusted him. In my subconscious mind, I know that he's cheating on her to see me and therefore I feel that he is seeing other women besides me. ( which would be just fine ) BUT......
He always denies it. I told him from the start that we should be honest and if we want to see other people then we should. He has claimed from the start that he was only looking to have an affair with one woman. I am only seeing him and no one else at the present time. I still can't find the faith to believe what he tells me to be true. Sometimes his actions seem to be deceiving. In the beginning I began wondering if he was exaggerating his answers to me just to have things in common with me. For instance.... I would tell him something that happened to me in my past and he would say, " Oh, me too. " - those 3 words became a regular phrase he'd say all the time regarding just about everything concerning me. From the way my mother's and my relationship was, to our problems in our childhood, to past relationships, to whatever else we would talk about. Sometimes, it just seems too hard to believe. Also, I'm wondering if the type of job he has plays a role in my worrying about him lying to me. After all, he does interact with couples as well as single women and well, you know what they say.....the right time, right place, anything can happen. And a salesmen going from door to door has always been believed to be somewhat of a casanova. He tells his spouse anything regarding his job and she has no choice but to believe him. There are times that he lets her believe that he is at appointments until late in the night when in all actuality, he is with me. How do I know that he doesn't do the same thing with another woman to me? His spouse has recently told him that a man called their home telling her that he left his jacket at him and his wife's home. The man made mention of his wife's name and of his name, ( the guy I'm seeing) and made it seem as though his wife was having an affair with him and he knew all about it! The thing about this particular situation that makes me think it's true is that there was a time that he left his jacket at my house too but he returned for it shortly after he'd left. He is sometimes absent-minded. He always leaves his soda bottle with soda still in it at my house all the time and he's far from done with it. Also, just a week ago, his spouse said that a man called their home to let her know that her man was seeing his significant other and thought she'd like to know. At first, I wondered if she were lying to him just to catch him in the act of infidelity but now, I'm not so sure. Once in awhile, he speaks to me in a little too much detail, ( meaning that some things just don't seem necessary to add in the conversation at the time) which makes me think he's lying to me. There have also been times that he's explaining something to me pertaining to a place he went to for an appointment and such and his hand gestures seem to signify that of someone lying. For instance.....he'll be in the middle of telling me about it and close his eyes and take his hand up to his nose to scratch or squeeze it in the process. He also sometimes has long pauses in his sentences. I know that I seem like a detective about this and pretty much anal but it's just the principle of it. I don't like for people to make me out to look like a fool. All I want is to be able to trust him and have honesty between us. I want us to be able to tell each other if we want to see other people.
I only wish that I could have established this agreement in the beginning of our relationship before I became so attached to him. Unfortunately now, it's too late. I am in fear that I am falling in love with him.
He has told me that he loves me but has not said that he is " in love " with me. I am so afraid of being hurt and quite honestly, my heart aches daily. I realize that this affair between he and I is morally wrong according to the views of some but even if he and I do leave our current spouses and get together some time down the line, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to trust him. I don't know what to do. Should I bring all of this out into the open and discuss it with him? How would I go about it without causing tension?
Please help.....