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I don't want us to be over

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 11/07/2004 - 08:30. General

My boyfriend and I split on Friday night. I was so calm and then panicked about it, now I'm devastated and don't want this to happen. We have a had problems over the last couple of weeks, and there has been a history or arguing in our relationship. We have been together 6 months where we have spent a lot of time together and really got to know each other. I know we are very much in love and both have wanted this to work even with all the issues and problems that we have developed, both individually in the past and together.

This weekend was meant to be an 'us' weekend as over the last couple of weeks we have been very busy. I don't know why I picked the fight on Friday night and acted like a drama queen, packing my stuff at his place and getting him to pack his at mine and leave. Up until the last moment we were telling each other how much we loved each other. I said I didn't want this to be over, but I could see no way out of the cycle we had got ourselves into. He said he can't handle the fighting, even though he thinks that it is his issues that have caused it. He needs space and time, which I find really hard - but realise that is what I need to do. I'm just so scared that it is over and I feel so guilty about Friday night.

I want us to work on our problems, both of us have significant issues in relationships, but I trust him and want to work on these things with him, and outside help. He has issues with intimacy, me with rejection and a need for reassurance through intimacy. How do we blend these together, can we?

I'm so scared that he is thinking we are over and I feel a complete lack of control which makes it really hard to not contact him - even though I need to give him space to figure himself out. I think I have to prepare for him not wanting me back - but I want to stop being so negative in my life that I'm trying to be positive. I feel this is taking over my life because I have never been so close to someone, we have such a connection and bond that I think we have ruined because we are scared. I need to talk to someone professionally as I'm not coping with not knowing what is going on.

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Over or not?

Submitted by mpramage on Sun, 11/07/2004 - 10:39.

How upsetting for the two of you, as there is a strong bond, but you have been fighting and arguing. You can see that behaving like a drama queen isn't a good idea, but you were probably frustratd beyond endurance and felt there was no other way to get your point across.
This seems to add up to a major communication problem, and outside help would be a good idea.
You show excellent insight, both in the way you describe what has been going on, and in the way you have resolved not to contact him and to respect his need for privacy right now. If there has been a lot of upset, a bit of space is often a good idea. The only trouble is if the person decides not to come back , or if they do decide to come back, either wya there are difficulties.
You could find a someone to help at Find a Therapist"., or www.basrt.org.uk, or www.relate.org.uk

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