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Libido problem

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 11/07/2004 - 05:38. General

My girlfriend and I are having a problem with different libidos (I want sex much more than she does). We've tried talking about this over a couple of months and I have tried very hard to avoid pressuring her, but it seems that things are getting worse rather than better. Other aspects of our relationship have been good, but this is starting to put a lot of pressure on things.

We've been together about eight months, and problems started 4-5 months into the relationship - a few weeks after she started on the pill (she's never been on it before). We've tried a lower-estrogen pill, but things have gotten worse, if anything. We're both really worried about this problem, as I don't deal too well with feeling rejected and feeling unattractive and she puts a lot of pressure on herself to get over it.

At the moment, she says she feels that she has a major block ('like I want to scream') about having sex, and says she doesn't really enjoy it any more when we do have sex (unsurprisingly, I guess). She hasn't had an orgasm for a couple of months, and says that she doesn't want to even try to have one. She does still masturbate sometimes, not sure what she fantasises about but I do know that it isn't me. She says she has the same feeling when she considers helping me masturbate, either by talking to me or touching me. She also finds it very difficult to talk about this issue.

I'd like to think the pill is to blame, but I would have thought she would feel the same way about masturbating also.
I'm concerned that this problem might boil down to her not being attracted to me any longer - this makes me feel resentful and scared.
I don't know the best course of action from here - she isn't keen to see a therapist, and pretty much all I can think of is stopping the pill.
I'm really concerned that if things continue this way my feelings of resentment will grow and our relationship will suffer.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

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Libido Block

Submitted by mpramage on Sun, 11/07/2004 - 10:17.

She describes feeling blocked, 'like I want to scream', and I think that is what you should think about. For some reason, I don't know what, sex and closeness to you has triggered of a deep worry about intimacy in that way.
It may be simply that she is not ready to be sexual, OK at first then the block comes in. There may be other issues going on left over from her family, parents, school and so on.
It would really be a good idea to for her to talk this over with a therapist or counsellor to get a sense of what it is, and what she might do if she wants to change it.
Meantime, you have discovered that pressure doesn't work, but you have your own needs. How can you best deal with the situation?

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Thanks for your comments - I

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 14/07/2004 - 20:47.

Thanks for your comments - I appreciate your input.
I thought the feelings of wanting to scream etc had probably arisen after feeling pressured for more sex than she wanted, after going on the pill had reduced her libido. I did wonder whether there might be issues about intimacy, but she has had other longterm (but less serious) relationships without this problem cropping up. She's stopped taking the pill and we'll have sex whenever she wants to, and I'm hoping that her feelings of resentment will subside.

How can I best deal with the situation? I'm worried about my ability to do so! I've managed to stop asking her if she wants sex (it was harder than it might sound), but I miss that part of our relationship and it's difficult for me not to resent her inability to participate in any sexual behaviour. I think I find it hard to feel as though she loves me if the idea of sex with me has become so unpleasant. Masturbation does reduce my desire for sexual release, but it makes me very aware of the change in our relationship and I tend to get resentful... Something for me to work on. I'd love to be able to be more objective and optimistic about this - as it is, my long face lets her know that I find it hard and seems to undo any progress.

Thanks again for your input.

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