I have lost all the trust I had for my bf because, he was a porn addict when we started dating, and it has been a year and a half and a lil more now, and he doesn't know what attracts him to internet porn. When we started and i found it, I was very upset, then I got pregnate and knew then he would especially look it up.
I hate porn and he always knew that, wether it is men or women in porn, I HATE IT! I knew he wouldn't stop so I always found it because Everything you look up on the internet, stays on your computer somewhere in a folder, wether you delete it or not. During the whole time from july 2005-december 2005 I always found his damn porn. And I must have given him over 40 chances to stop looking at it. I told him I would do anything he wanted me to at anytime, anywhere, and however he wanted it. I ment what I said and he knew it. He tells me that he knows how upset it makes me, and how much it hurts me, but then I ask him and he tells me when or if he looks it up. The answer is always that he did look it up. He has made me the lowest self confident person i have ever met, and deeply depressed to the part that when I found his porn the last time I tried to Cut my wrists in hope the pain would transfer to physical instead of emotional, I also tryed to drink to forget that it ever happened, it mellowed me out and made me so depressed that some pain felt like it had left. I try to end our relationship, but i always cave in to his promises that i know won't last. I guess depression also makes you vulnerable to the people around you. The last time he looked up porn I told him the next time he did it I would leave for good and I said it to mean it, and I know I will leave him the next time I find it. He said that supposidly he "saw how bad it hurt me" and "he wouldn't do it again", and I didn't believe this because of course "it's the same story every time" I tell him. This time he says He "really will stop", now it has been a month and a half and I have no proof of his porn anywhere. I still feel like I can't trust him. I left him alone for 5 hours, took my lil girl to her playmates house and the whole time I am scared that he is alone looking up his porn, its like no matter how hard I try to trust him, I just can't find it in me to trust.
It makes me so crazy! And what is worse is I screwed up by saying something, because now he is getting smarter, and finding out how our computer really works, and he probably will do Everything in his might to try to not have it found by me, Just so I won't leave him. It is hurting my so bad that I really don't know what to do anymore. The other reason I am still with him is because I need him as much as I want to love him more. Which is ALOT! If I left him I would have nowhere to go and My baby would have to stay with one of us and it would make things more difficult, also I live with my bf and his mom and dad and his nefew, Im so screwed here I just don't know what to do.
We are also in couples counselling but it doesn't have any affect on me.