I dont know where to start but i am going to be as honest as possible, also i know my grammar and punctuation make it hard to read my posts.
i am a 25 yr old male who is married to a 26 soon to be 27 year old female. we met 2 and a half years ago and got married within 3 months and a lot has happened and has been bothering me very much lately.
To start at the begining,when we first met she was a temp at a realestate agency and was fooling around with her boss and trying to get him in a serious relationship but he wouldn't committ and he was on and off with his ex gf, this guy was loaded with cash and could have given my wife the world.

I was a drug addict with 1 year clean, no highschool degree and no job, I was living at home with my mother and had nothing. Within 2 weeks after she told her boss it was over I moved in with her into her apartment with her and her 2 yr old son.
Things were hot and heavy and we spent all our time together and having decent sex.
She was on welfare and we didnt even have tv or a pot to piss in but she took me to all my rehab meetings and all my therapy appts and was very supportive.
Things were very well betwween us relationship wise and i even signed her sons birth certificate and made him my own since his father bailed at birth, i also have a 6 yr old daughter from a previous relationship.

After 3 months we got married against my familys and her fams wishes, shortly after I started using again. I was taking all of her money and taking the car and disappearing at night.
We started heavy arguing and fistfighting, sometimes she would hit me and sometimes i would hit her, and no i am not proud of that at all, it makes me sick.
I went to numerous rehabs over these 2 yrs and finally I have a year clean from my drug of choice but I do occasionally smoke pot.

After numerous moves and 2 shelters we stayed in, we just moved to Indiana where we wanted to start fresh and make things better. It is also alot cheaper to live here than in New York where we were before. All my life i had low to no self esteem and no self worth which is playing a major factor now in my eyes.

since we been here things have been rocky finally got a job but i only make 8.50 an hour and can only work 30 hrs a week cause during the day while shes at work i watch the kids, we have a 2 year ild daughter now as well.
Our sex life basically ceased to exist. For a while it was me not wanting to have sex while she wanted it, due to the fact that i have a not so big penis and i come very quick, i get very frustrated and very hurt by this, to me it seems like she doesnt even feel me inside her.
now its her that is not interested in sex and me that wants to have more sex to see if we can correct the coming issue.

Now this is the tricky part she has a very good job making 14 an hour and 22 an hour on overtime, she is a career professional and works with professional men that are way better providers than myself. She spends all her time at work cause she says she wants to get us out of debt so we can have things in life. They also will be sending her to Japan, Mexico, Chicago, California, China, Taiwaan,and other places to do business. Me not being sexually pleasing and having low self esteem, and the fact that my last 2 gf that were serious longterm relationships have cheated on me, doesnt make this situation of her being at work all the time and going away with profeesional men easy for me. Actually i find it terrifing and sickening.

The last 3 weeks i have been accusing her of cheating which does not help,but while she is at work i get images of her screwing another man and it makes me irate and hurt. She says she loves me and only wants me and keeps telling me that but i just cant believe it, i see no reason for her to want me not after all ive done and not after all this crap sex and not for my provider abilities.

She tells me she couldnt cheat because it is morally wrong and she wouldnt do such a thing.
for the last 3 weeks she wouldnt even let me touch her because on xmas i told her i cheated on her with my x back in New York, I didnt but i said it to be a dick cause i feel hurt. She said i couldnt touch her till i earned trust back,but that just made me think more that she is having an affair.
before me she had 53 partners that she slept with and more that she fooled around with she even had a girlfriend that she used to just kiss so she says.
That doesnt make me feel any better, although when we were first together she told me i was the 3rd best she has had which seemed like an honest answer.

Lately she claims she's getting older and sex doesnt interest her. I dont understand how that can be from someone that was so sexually active before. i love her more than anything but i am very confused as to why she is with me. She dosnt like my music, my dress style, my humor, we argue over parenting techniques, she doesnt like how little money i am able to contribute to the family.

just this last week we have began having sex again and it is horrible, i swear my penis is not as big as it used to be if thats possible,i swear when i was 18 i measured around 6 and a half inches now i barely make 4 and i seem to be fully erect and thats when i can even stay erect. Now we are both over weight, I weigh 245 and she weighs 270 which puts more distance betwwen my penis and her vagina well it seems to anyways.

We have had alot of fights where she would call the cops even if i was defending myself but she never had me locked up just removed from the house. She needs to be in control of everything at all times which drives me nuts.

I was sexually abused at a young age by my cousin in turn i did it to my other cousin,i was also beat up alot almost everyday by the same neighborhhod kids and would never defend myself as i felt it was my place to take the abuse. She had a father who was a cop and never home and a mother that cheated on her father and then let her new bf beat my wife till she was unconcious in a bathtub then disowned my wife. she went to live with her dad who didnt want her and was mentally and sometimes physically abusive,she was also raped twice and sexually assualted 2 times.

She seems to have had relations with alot of her employers over the years which makes me think she likes men with power and authority which she lets me have none of.
I cant find any evidence of cheating no matter how much snooping i do, although she does have a password protected companty laptop and a comapny cellphone, she cant give me the password cause when u log on it goes to their protected server and you have to verify who you are and she could get fired. Also she has to have contact with multiple people mostly men on a daily basis to coordinate shipments so its not like i would notice any weird guys numbers cause it could just be business related.
i have had time to play on it while she was away from it and have found nothing incriminating.
i dont know if it is just my paranoia from past relationships hauntimg me or if she is cheating and none of this is helping my sexual function or the marriage.

She says i need to trust her as she has never gave me reason to think she would cheat even when we were split up or when I was in rehab for a month,she was staying with her cousin where this guy kept coming in her room and climbing in bed with her so she packed her and the kids up at 1am and went to my moms house till i came home 2 weeks later.
All i want is to feel loved and to be able to love her wthout jealous feelings and i want a normal sex life, if she is cheating i dont know why she would hide it as losing me she os not really losing anything since i barely make anything.
Im torn between believeing her or leaving her, and i dont want to throw this away as i love her and my kids. Her job threatens me very much as she feels appreciated at work but not at home, but its hard for me to be nice because i have these images of her with someone and I just snap. It's a vicious cycle that wont stop, i fear there isnt much time left before she does stray or we fall apart,and counseling would take longer than that.
we are supposed to do cousceling after she gets her health benefits in like 2 weeks but im skeptical as the last time we did counseling for marriage that same coinselor was seeing her 1 on 1 and seemed to make everthing my fault.
do you have any advice as to whether she could be cheating?
Advice on how to improve sexually?
Why my penis seems smaller than ever?
how to reconnect with her seeing as how my love letters and words dont seem to help.

tonight was cool though as she came home early so she could get a movie card and rent us some movies so we could spend time together, just the sex didnt go well. First she had coffee on the head board and it spilt all in her cell phone so we had to stop,but she was being all forceful telling me to go down and where to lick and how hard to do it. No offence but due to my mother having sex with her bf in fromt of me who he was married by the way then 2 gf of long term relatinships f...ing my friends makes me view women as whores and i dont like feeling that way, i want to be able to love fully and openly with no walls or boundaries.