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My Partner has RE

Submitted by lisamark on Fri, 02/02/2007 - 05:35. Sex Problems for Men

My partner has situational retarded ejaculation. We have been together for 3 years and tho he can climax thru manual or oral stimulation, this is quite exhausting for me as it can take up to an hour to achieve. We do have vaginal sex, which he says he enjoys, but he has only managed to ejaculate 3 times in 3 years. After sex, I am always expected to perform oral sex so that he may climax. I used to enjoy giving oral sex but because it takes such a long time, it is beginning to feel like a chore. He says that he thinks it may be due to the fact that he was on his own for so long and got used to masturbation and porn (He was a single dad for 6 years until he met me).

I have tried everything to encourage him to climax during sex, including acting out his fantasies i.e. schoolgirl and forced sex - both of which make me extremely uncomfortable and don't seem to work anyway. I don't think I can get him to a therapist as we have 4 boys under 11 and live in a rural town. He has a high libido and I'm feeling a bit exhausted. I'd just love to have a quickie some nights. We've stopped making love during most of the week as we both work odd hours, but that is my choice and I feel very guilty for it. This has never happened to me b4 and I feel insecure about myself and sometimes a little resentful toward him. Should I ask him to stop masturbating - I've heard this can help. What can you suggest???

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Masturbate himself

Submitted by Mature Man on Fri, 02/02/2007 - 12:29.

Is he perhaps masturbating in addition to trying to enjoy sex with you? I ran into that same problem, too, and had to back off on self pleasure so I could enjoy it with my partner, but it was worth it!

As for YOU masturbating HIM afterward, why not let him do himself? I've sometimes had to do that because, after she cums, she's just plain zonked, and I still had not cum myself. (She has one enormous, stupendous, room-rocking O and nearly collapses afterward.) As has been asked, why should YOU necessarily have to satisfy him afterward?

Again, I suspect he may need to back off from his other sexual fantasies and masturbation.

Good luck!

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Dealing with situational Retarded Ejaculation

Submitted by mpramage on Fri, 02/02/2007 - 10:57.

It seems that the real problem here is the pressure you feel to acheive his orgasm! Naturally you are getting fed up with this and it has become a chore for you. Eventually you will start to feel resentful, avoid intimacy with him, and this will spill over into the rest of an otherwise possibly fulfilling and supportive relationship.

You need to really talk to him about this, not during sex, but over a glass of wine or a cup of tea. He is giving you too much responsibility. Just as with a woman who has difficulty acheiving orgasm, he needs to help himself. You both know that orgasm with penis vagina penetration is very difficult, so why keep hoping it will get easier, as it very probably won't.

Reducing his masturbation may help a bit, it is certainly worth a try.

He can climax with masturbation, so I suggest the two of you agree that either he or you can masturbate him when you make love, but if you are getting fed up, then he needs to take over. It is his orgasm, after all.

I think if you take practical steps to make your expectations fit with what goes well, you will both feel easier about it. Retarded ejaculaion is difficult to change, so work with it, not against it.

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RE

Submitted by lisamark on Fri, 02/02/2007 - 13:10.

Thanks for your response -it goes a long way towards relieving the guilt and inadequecy I feel. This is all very new to me. I don't feel this is something I can discuss with friends or family without compromising trust. I feel very alone in this and do not want to pressure him by telling him how inadequate it makes me feel. I've also just turned 40 and without meaning to come across as narcissistic and vain, have always been considered as very desirable amongst my peers. That said, now my looks are beginning to fade - what hope lies ahead in this. I cannot compete with the youth of the porn starlets he masturbates to, and I don't feel I should I have to. I so didn't think I'd be having this problem at this stage in my life!

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Masturbating to starlets

Submitted by Mature Man on Fri, 02/02/2007 - 21:34.

"I cannot compete with the youth of the porn starlets he masturbates to, and I don't feel I should I have to."

That's another issue. He sounds as if he's addicted to porn, which is another problem. I can understand because I, too, have fallen into that habit at times and can thus end up "depleted" when my true love WANTS me! When we rekindled, I forced myself away from that, except when I know several days are going to go by before she next will be interested, since her libido is lower than mine. That may sound ugly, but what can I say? I want it more often and get VERY frustrated at times!

I have to tell you, honestly, that, though I may be unusual, I find mature women a lot more sexy and desirable than "young starlets', who may be "eye candy" from afar, but can't possibly hold a candle to a REAL, hot, grownup woman in bed!

Your looks are starting to fade? I bet not that much. And how about HIS?

A sexually hot woman in her 40's can often be REALLY attractive, beyond the youthful "radiance", because she radiates experience and true sensuality.

Hang in there.... and good luck.

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Pornos

Submitted by lisamark on Sun, 04/02/2007 - 02:52.

Thanks for your comments. I hope he's not addicted to porn - that's a whole other issue I didn't consider. I think its just what he got used to when he was alone. i don't mind the occasional movie myself and we have watched several together. I think that because he thinks I'm cool with it, he can do it whenever he wants but he is watching them on his own - not with me, and I don't think its that occasional anymore. Porno mags I detest.(I turned down a very lucrative Playboy shoot when I was modelling).

I don't think they've any place in a relationship. i'm not sure of my real issues with it but I guess its like looking at a car mag - you still really covet some of the cars in it and I know from experience how touched up and unrealistic the photos are. He has always known that this is a deal breaker for me/us and has never had one in the house, but at work.....different story - he's a tradesman and works with a lot of young single guys and the cribb is covered with them. I don't go in there anymore as it makes me a little anxious, especially at the moment. I just trust that he doesn't look at them.(Yeah I know, but what else can I do). I know that he loves me very much and desires me and he cannot figure out why I blame myself for this problem. He says I'm the best lover he's ever had and before me he could't climax orally.

The other issue is that when we do make love it feels like it is for my benefit alone because I am lucky enough to be able to come during sex, but I still like oral and clitoral manipulation orgasms, which i get rarely. I've told him this but he says it is so much more 'efficient' to have sex, as the other way can take a while. ANYWAY, he's agreed to try not to masturbate and not watch porn (tho he's not real happy about the porn as he likes to watch them with me). He also thinks we have a magical sex life and is reluctant to change lest we bugger it up. We'll just have to see. Thanks for your feedback it's REALLY helping me a lot.

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He's luckier than he knows

Submitted by Mature Man on Sun, 04/02/2007 - 11:19.

He's a lucky guy to have you enjoy sex so much. I also cannot imagine why so many guys apparently refuse to give pleasure to their women orally! I'm virtually prohibited from that here because she has all kinds of hangups about it and always has. I did have an affair once many years ago with a woman who loved that and I was delighted with how fabulous a woman is down there! She came repeatedly, and just seemed not to be able to have enough of it, before we finished with "the real thing". I really enjoyed licking and nibbling her down there -- even more than receiving a BJ myself, in fact.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Focus on EACH OTHER -- the real thing is SO much better than pictures! ;) Good luck!

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