It's been 2 1/2 years since we started dating and I finally left him. Although we have technically broken up for about 2 weeks now, the hurt child inside of me continues to feel angry and resentful for the lies he has told and continues to tell. My obsession with my boyfriends lies has consumed me and at times I feel like I'm going to go crazy! He wanted to marry me and asked my dad for my hand in marriage. He pledged loved and honesty to me, told me I was the one. And then all the lies began as soon as I said yes!

The first month of our relationship I saw the online history on our roommates computer where someone had viewed escort ads and erotic services postings locally in our town. I asked him very openly and non-confrontationally about it, even saying that I could understand how curiosity might bring someone just to look. He denied that it was him and said it was likely our other male roommate. It became clear to me that he was lying. Over the next few months, I found his porn history on the computer. He was on the road a lot and came home for lunch everyday. He'd come home 1-2 times a day to look at porn. He emailed young women and offered to meet them for sex. I even pretended to be one once just to see if he'd really follow through. He didn't, but the pain and the hurt was so intense I can hardly explain it. It's an awful game some men play, they only want what they can't/don't have...until they get it. Then they want the next, new thing. It's never enough.

Just like another girl here wrote, I was always considered more attractive of the two of us. People even seemed surprised to find I was with this man. I think he was insecure about this and he started to become abusive after awhile. He'd scold me for being too flabby or not "tight" enough, meanwhile he never exercised at all. He became extremely jealous, critical, meanspirited, disrespectful. Every time I confronted him about his emails, or other women he'd go into a rage. He'd call me every horrible name in the book. He has smacked me, bruised me, has thrown me into a tub, threatened to kill me. He has choked me till flem was draining from my nostrils and my body was convulsing.

All the while, I have been committed and heartbroken. Now, I have finally left him and he wonders why! "Why don't you come back home?", "This is your choice to leave, I never said I wanted to be with anyone else?" he says. Meanwhile, I find his emails to young women online inviting them to dinner, dancing, travels, etc. To all the places he used to take me.

I've spent most of this beautiful day checking my exboyfriends email account and myspace page to see what personal ads he has been responding to. Despite having more proof than any woman would need to know he's a liar/cheat, I continue to pry to find out just how deep the lies go. With each unfolding lie I feel a deeper sense of betrayal. What more do I need to prove to myself? How much more do I need to hurt before I truly believe that his lies are not a reflection of ME? This game of deception truly is a reflection of him.

The reality is though, the lessons I have learned this last 2 1/2 years, although learned the HARD way (an understatement), I have learned them finally and thank GOD! I am only 31 and have my whole life ahead of me. What I did ladies, is I lost myself. I looked to him to give me purpose, to give me an identity. Once you give up your identity to a man, they will lie, use you, keep you unsure and confused, keep you controlled and under their spell, if you will. They will lose respect for you, just as you lose respect for yourself. It is HARD to get this back but not impossible.

Finding out where the lies start and end and how many times he's cheated, and with whom, etc...will drain you of your positive energy which we need to rebuild ourselves. Let the lying, cheating, immoral, mean, abusive men be what they are and dig their own graves. As for me, I need to be free to live my life and be the person I have worked so hard to become. Walk away when you see those red flags, so you dont waste your life, your youth, your love on a narcissistic pathological selfish man.