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am i really to blame?

Submitted by sarahj79 on Sun, 22/10/2006 - 23:52. Internet Porn Addiction

I always knew that my fiance had a porn collection on his laptop but I thought that this was just because he was single and "what guys do" when they didn't have a girlfriend. When his laptop eventually crashed I thought that the porn would stop - after all, he had me now.
But the other evening I woke up in the middle of the night and caught him looking and getting off on internet porn... member in hand so to speak.
I got upset (which I though was a natural reaction) and he twisted the whole argument round and suddenly I was to blame for all those times I had a period, was just plain asleep or visiting my mum.... for his continuing use of porn. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told him that I didn't expect him to be doing it while I was in the next room but he just kept twisting the arguement back to me, as if it was MY problem not his.

Although he said it was just a visual thing and that he still loved me to bits I still couldn't help but feel second best to these perfectly formed blonde bombshells with pert everythings and then some. I'm no pin-up but neither have I totally let myself go but these women still make me feel inadequate.
I have a high sex drive and he often knocks back my advances so I was totally bewildered by his excuse.
He then went on to argue that he shouldn't feel like he's done something wrong as it's just something he enjoys every now and then and that its just a w**k. I often lie next to him feeling aroused and unable to wake him yet I don't go sneaking off to "play alone".
Now I get suspicious if he's up late alone and I sneak a peek at whether he has the tv on or the pc.

I know that men are weak, and that they're visual creatures but it still hurts to think of my man looking and getting off looking at another woman. He might as well be having sex with them it hurts so much.

Thanks for letting me vent my feelings on this forum, I don't feel like this is something I can share with anyone else. Its been a help.

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They are not bachelors anymore

Submitted by Chrissy on Tue, 14/11/2006 - 18:42.

No you are definitely not to blame Sarah! I think it is bad of him to blame you for not being available 24/7. Mine doesn't blame me in that way his excuses are "I didn't want to wake you up" absolutely pathetic. Just because they have a slight itch they do not have to scratch it. If they didn't look at the porn in the first place they wouldn't have this problem.

I don't care what anyone else says I think it shows a total lack of respect for a) your relationship b) your sex life & c) your family home. They are not bachelors now, problem is they want to have their cake & eat it and don't seem to appreciate how bad it makes us feel. I am sick of constantly fretting what he is doing when he has lone internet access and losing sleep over it (yes it upsets me that much) It is selfishness in the extreme, I love my man to bits but have had enough of this dross habit, if they wants to be bachelors then why don't they go & be one??

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Exactly the same as me.

Submitted by soundisblind on Mon, 23/10/2006 - 22:40.

Your situation is exactly the same as mine [although i havent caught him at it yet.]

i used to only see my partner on weekends as i lived in a different county, and when i did see him i was always aroused and eager for some interaction. week upon week i would be knocked back, with the excuse that he was tired or not in the mood. i would go home disappointed, feeling unnattractive and unloved.

when it became a real issue for me, and i was becoming increasingly unhappy, i presented him with the problem and i got accused of being high maintenance and having a much higher sex drive than he. Now his computer, hes been using it since about 1999, and its packed full of pornography. if you know how to use a pc [as i do] you can see that this is being opened and used on a regular basis, which it is. So why am i being knocked back and accused of having a high sex drive, when he masturbates during the week?!

I asked him this, and he couldn't give me an answer, he said 'to be honest, i really dont know.' I am a slim woman, im young, and many people tell me that im desirable, as my partner does, but he will still wait until i go to visit my mum or go to work, and get off over somebody else.

This is just men, its a weakness that they will fight to the death to defend, and they wont give it up. the only way it varies is in the extremes in which it comes! i would say my partner is relatively porn driven, it does do my head in but its something i put up with for occasional sex and the love and support that he does give me. you have to ask yourself just how unhappy you really are and if its worth putting up with, could you be happier with someone else? Can you put up with the way things are or is it really going to drive you into the ground?
Remember - masturbation for men is simple, quick, emotionless and easy. Just because they are technically looking at other women in a porn film, it doesnt mean they want to have sex with this woman. It just means that men are 'basic', visually aroused, and need something to urge them on. I know it feels like he's being unfaithful, but the thing you need to focus on more than the porn is how hes treating YOU.

Soundisblind - my mum always says - It'll never get better if you pick it!

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not true

Submitted by longblackdress on Fri, 27/10/2006 - 05:27.

Women have to stop this mentality of " all men do it, its ok". 1st of all - not all men do it, and its not ok...

Men DO want to have sex with those women they're looking at. If you look at the big picture of a relationship, as a guy looks at these videos, whether his wife is gorgeus or not, he will get distracted from what he already has. That is how men get too used to thinking about women as sex objects, then everybody around them (women) become possible sex objects. If he watched a video of a naked woman, would it make a difference for you if he was standing 2 meters away from a naked woman say at his job? What is the difference?

Personally it's cheating. My man doesnt do that - no...even when I'm not looking. He is religious, he has values, and simply respects women. It's the way to go. Men do have the ability to control thoughts if they really want to. Fact of the matter is that they don't need to, and don't want to.

So as stated above, some say that porn doesnt affect the way he loves and treats you, but I believe it does. There is a certain amount of less respect, less love and devotion. Think about it whenever he wanted to be satisfied - he'd go to you - his wife, and his wife only. Of course you can't turn him away in those instance if you want him good...allright...let me know what ya'll think:).

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i think you're lucky

Submitted by soundisblind on Thu, 23/11/2006 - 15:00.

i think you're a lucky woman to have an honest and straight up man that doesn't look at other women at all. he must be a diamond in the rough, but personally i don't have a spare 20 years to find such a man for myself. nobody is perfect and everyone has downfalls that you have to be willing to put up with, even you and i!

i dont like porn, it does nothing for me, and if i were to have everything my way he wouldnt like porn either. i dont think im squeaky clean enough to give him grief about it, though. i will not deny having a peek at johnny depp when ads come on telly, or looking slightly aroused at the calvin klein boxer shorts adverts! i dont think anyones perfect, and we cant all be saints, can we

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Don't have to feel okay with porn!

Submitted by meow on Tue, 26/12/2006 - 04:28.

It is totally okay to not feel comfortable with or like porn. Just because you don't like porn doesn't mean you are a prude; being turned on by images of those you find attractive is a fun part of human sexuality. Being turned on by the abuse of others (much of what porn is about) is a very different story.

In addition to being a kind of "infidelity," there are a couple of other big issues with porn use. The first is the effects of porn on the user, and the second are the conditions people in porn have to suffer.

With regards to the effects of porn, studies have shown that porn (both violent and nonviolent) can lead to:
* increase the acceptance of rape myths (women can want rape)
* increase male aggression toward females
* decrease sensitivity to the crime of rape
* predispose willingness to rape
* increase the acceptance of violence against women
* decrease support for women's rights
* alter perceptions of "common" sexual behavior
* decrease sexual satisfaction with self and partner
For details on these studies see Zillmann and Bryant (1982, 86, 88), Donnerstein and Berkowitz (1981) and Malamuth and Check (1980) among others.

Also a survey of over 10,000 people by Frontline found that 86% feel that porn can be educational. Having seen porn, would you really want your significant other to be learning from the majority of porn that is out there? These days, even the mainstream porn can be incredibly violent. Furthermore, Men commonly believe that a lot of what they see in porn are things that women "secretly want." Of course this may not apply to all men, maybe you are lucky and none of this applies to the guy you are with, but it seems hard to be sure. There are a lot of very upsetting stories of men who pressure their girlfriends and wives to perform degrading acts (I will avoid graphic details) that they have seen in pornography.

Even if you feel like none of these points apply to your significant other, you cannot deny that many of the women in these films often actual suffer. There is the common argument that these women have chosen their path and knew what they were getting into. Well, a huge number of the women in porn are victims of rape and child abuse, in terrible situations like homelessness, addicted to drugs or even kidnapped and forced into pornography. The range of choices allowed to these women are very small, so free choice is a very limited concept here; the reality is these are suffering women who are being exploited by an industry that profits hugely (billions and billions of dollars a year). Some of the women in porn hate what they are doing so much that they can be heard vomiting in the bathroom between scenes.

It really seems creepy to me to feel okay getting off to people who are suffering like this. Maybe your significant other says he just hasn't thought about it? Tell him to read some stories about the women in porn and their lives and how they have suffered while making it. If he doesn't decide he wants to stop after that, what is that telling you? his access to a "masturbation aid" is more important than these women's lives.

I am a man who has quit looking at pornography. I am not religious, I have just thought about the conditions of these women and the messages that porn teaches about sexuality and have realized that I want no part in it. This doesn't mean it was necessarily easy to quit, porn does have an addictive quality, but if you actually make a real effort to quit, then it is very doable. I feel much happier with myself and my sexuality after having quit.

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To Meow - on the last post

Submitted by thepaulone on Tue, 29/05/2007 - 12:03.

I really like your last post and I know deep down that what you are saying is right. I've seen friends and people looking at stuff that looks abusive. I hate stuff that looks abusive. The stuff I look at doesn't look abusive. Women appear to be in control. The abusive stuff is a total turn off. It has occured to me though that not many of these women probably like what they do, and they surely don't get treated much like human beings.

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