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feeling pressured

Submitted by fluffy15 on Thu, 12/10/2006 - 00:50. Sex Problems for Women

hi there, I'm 20 years old and ive been going out with my boyfriend (22) for nearly a year, and we love each other very much. However lately he has been saying that he is sexually frustrated because of me and this makes me worried that he will cheat on me or leave me. We have sex nearly every day and usually more than once, but he says he wants more and he wants me to be more 'active'. I dont know if I've got a low sex drive or if he's being too demanding.

Also he gets annoyed that I dont always enjoy sex, but that's because I don't always feel like having sex but make the effort to anyway because he gets frustrated if I won't. Sometimes i find it really hard to enjoy sex anyway because im on antidepressants (which im sure affect my sex drive), and because it hurts sometimes, and because I hate my body and just get paranoid and nervous when I know that someone's looking at it. I had an eating disorder a couple of years ago and all this stress lately and feelings of inadequacy has seen my weight drop quite a bit.

Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful guy in most respects, but this is the first sexual relationship I have been in and i'm really confused. is he too demanding or am i being selfish?

I also find it really hard to initiate sex and sometimes to show my feelings, this upsets my boyfriend and makes him think that I don't desire him, even though I've assured him that I do. I just don't have the confidence all the time to say what I feel or what I want, especially if I'm feeling down.

I'm just feeling alot of pressure and I don't want to lose him. Will a man really put up with a woman who finds it hard to enjoy sex, is terrified of being naked, and is scared of initiating sex?!!!

I'd appreciate any comments that might help, thanks for reading :)

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I think your boyfriend is

Submitted by marsters25 on Thu, 12/10/2006 - 16:55.

I think your boyfriend is selfish and sometimes doesnt think about your feelings before his own, especially when he's pining for attention like a child.
Perhaps the rules he has set out in his mind about feeling love go; 'i only get to feel loved properly when i experience the 'act of love' in a giving a receiving context from that person', and those rules are different from yours. Maybe you feel loved from other things he does, and are therefore happy without so much sex, and that makes you think; 'whats the deal with this sex thing all the time?'
People can change their 'rules' about things though you know, so maybe he will be able to change that part about him thats having a negative impact on your relationship. I'm sure he'd rather be in love all the time, than in bed all the time. In fact im positive he would.
In fact, sorry to be so blunt, but I think maybe your boyfriend places too much value upon sex, and him thinking that its as important as he tries to convince you it is is wrong. I also think that his apparant obsession with sex is part of his own muddle of insecurities.
It seems to me that you and him need to talk about this in detail with each other, and not be afraid to tell each other what you really feel about sex in your relationship. Have you tried talking to him openly about your feelings? Maybe you and him could start having sex in a different way that you would feel more comfortable about?
I know he'd be willing to do anything to make you happy. And dont worry because he loves you and everything will be alright in the end.x

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How considerate of you

Submitted by jackflap on Mon, 16/10/2006 - 09:18.

I love your compassion on this one: 'He is selfish and pining for attention like a child'.

'your boyfriend places too much value upon sex, and him thinking that its as important as he tries to convince you it is is wrong. I also think that his apparant obsession with sex is part of his own muddle of insecurities.'

Yes, that's the right attitude to have when dealing with him! Make him feel ashamed and abnormal! That's loving and caring of you! You're a right maternal figure!

Let me tell you something, this man's attitude is perfectly normal. Look at society and how relationships between men and women work! Read 'The Selfish Gene' by Richard Dawkins to understand why men need sex to feel love and women need love to have sex and then come back and make your derogatory comments on male sexuality.

Please, try to be more compassionate. Try and frame things as differences between men and women and how to come to compromises between the two without placing blame on any one person. This is unproductive and will lead to resentment.

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how considerate of you?

Submitted by fluffy15 on Mon, 16/10/2006 - 20:05.

hi there, thanks for your comment, i'm just not entirely sure what you mean. sounds like you think my boyfriends normal and i'm selfish, i only ask because i really am interested about people's perspective on this, especially if you're male. i have no idea what's normal and what's not! thanks again :)

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Big Pressures

Submitted by mpramage on Thu, 12/10/2006 - 15:54.

Yes you are under pressure, and your boyfriend is expecting you to meet his sexual needs which are not the same as yours!

It is harder to get turned on or to desire sex when you are on antidepressants, and when you are feeling down too. It is also harder if you are having sex more often than suits you. There is never long enough from one occasion to the next for your desire to build up.

Does your boyfriend have some insecurity about sex, that he wants it every day and more than once, whether you want it or not?

Yes a man will put up with someone like you! There is more to a relationship than gettting sex often enough.

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