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Is it possible he can stop looking at porn ?

Submitted by mug4times on Mon, 25/09/2006 - 10:40. Internet Porn Addiction | Sex Addiction

Over the past 3 years I have caught my partner looking at teen / rape porn on the internet. I have never caught him in the act but have found out accidently on temp files etc. Each time he says he will never do it again. This last time it had progressed to downloading it to his mobile and sharing it via bluetooth with his workmates. After buying software to retrieve deleted files I found that he had been doing it at every given oppourtunity.

I have given this man everything including taking on his 3 children as my own yet he obviously does not have any respect for me or the kids as after I caught him the third time I made it clear that if he did it again he would be on his own . But that didn't stop him.

His eldest daughter was alledgedly abused by a male friend of his ex wife. He even accessed porn on the kids desktop I can't imagine what it would have done to his eldest never mind the other kids if they had come accross it.
Do I try again or up and leave ?

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Dangerous porn addiction.

Submitted by Margot on Fri, 20/10/2006 - 20:43.

I am replying to your posting, not because I feel I can help, but just because I understand your position.

I am not in quite such a dangerous position (no children) However, I am in the middle of yet another row about my partners porn addiction and his subsequent lies. I am also at a loss as to what to do. I want to leave him because I can't accept the knowledge that he will willingly hurt me time and time again for the future of our relationship together. I am branded a 'freak' and sick in the head because I can't accept it. He can't (or won't) see the harm. Mostly because he can not imagine why it would hurt me, after all he had many girlfriends before me that seemed happy to accept it. So why me?? Why am I different? I am often accused of being insecure, however I know in my heart that the reason I can't accept it is because I know the damage it can do to certain women. I was one of them.

I started to hate porn when my first relationship was affected by it. My then partner regularly hid and lied about porn, so my paranoia increased, as did my contempt for his lies, and a total sense of worthlessness.

At the time I was young and unsure of who I was, but I knew enough to be angry. However the anger became directed inward and turned to self hatred, my mind was so messed up, feeling it was my fault I was different, I decided if that was what the world thought women should be, then I would play them at there own game. I subsequently became a pole dancer. That's when the trouble really started. Spiralling further into worthlessness, I then became an alcoholic and cocaine addict to try and numb the pain and humiliation. It was a kind of self punishment.

It took me nearly 10 years to put myself back together. Yet here is another man who is trying to convince me it's my problem and not his. (Like I have a choice!!) What can I say? Even though he knows about everything in the past, he simply puts it down to my 'hysteria' and 'madness'. I am finally concluding I don't need to leave him because he won't stop watching porn. I have to leave him because I deserve better than being tormented by someone that professes to love me. I still want to find someone who knows the meaning of the word 'love'. Even if it costs me a 10 year relationship and my best friend (brave words I know).

Maybe we are different to most. But I like who I am and what I believe in very much. I am afraid I don't want to lower myself anymore.... I think it's called self respect.

I truely hope you find the courage to make your own decission, what ever that is. But don't be fooled. This is a question of respect, as there seems to be no right or wrong answer, it all boils down to what you will accept in your life and what you won't. We all have choice.

Best of luck.

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I think this whole porn thing has gotten a little out of control

Submitted by pitman on Mon, 25/09/2006 - 20:36.

I came onto this site through google as I entered the search words "I like porn how do I broach the subject with my boyfriend."

However, it seems this seemingly straightforward question is apparently abnormal and I have a condition (the name eludes me now), but according to quite a few women on another thread - people who watch porn are sick?!?

I am writing on here because I am a professional woman with a happy and fulfilling life who also happens to get turned on by pornography. It seems that all over the world there are women and men who are not allowed to admit to what is essentially this harmless bit of fun (in my opinion).

I believe there are women out there who feel threatened by pornography, assuming that their men watch it because they do not find them attractive. Now I can only speak for myself, but please, let me enlighten you:

I do not watch porn because the men are sexy, I watch porn because what they are doing makes me feel stimulated. I love my man and at no time during our lovemaking do I imagine these men, I merely re-enact what I have seen or have 'flashes' in my mind of the sexual act that turns me on. Also, it is a way to be involved in a fantasy that I would not want to practice in real life. For example, (excuse the graphic nature of my language here, but I think it is necessary) I enjoy watching anal sex, this excites me sexually.

However, I would never want to get involved physically in this act myself. I think this is the same in your partners's case, what turns him on on screen is not necessarily something he would 'do' if you paid him a million dollars, but it just so happens to turn him on. Obviously I do not know you or your partner, I can only go by the words you have written here, but I think you need to sit down with him and talk about it completely frankly.

What you are doing when you are looking at these things are windows into his secrets and I know we all like to think we have no secrets, but can you honestly say that your partner knows everything about you? And that all of your thoughts are whiter than white?

I have enjoyed watching porn in the past with a few men and I really think this is the purpose that most of them use it. So please, don't give up on a good relationship just because of what are essentially your own insecurities, not the act of your partner watching porn. I also really think that snooping about in your partners life is far more serious an offence.

Well, there you go. There is no need to reply to this unless you feel the need, as I just wanted to post this on here to give a slightly more positive and less, dare I say it, feminist viewpoint on the subject of your men (or women) watching pornography. (Not you - just some of the reactions to similar problems seem a bit 'witch hunty') You could even try printing this off and showing him and guaging his reaction? it may make him feel more confident to explain more about the fundamentals of why he likes these pornographic images he favours.

Good luck with having better self esteem and not letting the pornography business be the catalyst for breaking up with somebody you love in every other respect than their taste in films :) - unless of course there are other issues that need addressing. Honestly - someone watching a bit of porn and sending it round to their mates should not be the point of obsession it has become. Just think how happy you could be if you could let this go??

Good luck and I hope my advice helps, as from what I can see it is about the most objective you are going to get from the type of responses I have been reading to similar problems.

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Balance

Submitted by mpramage on Tue, 26/09/2006 - 19:25.

Hooray for this.
Thank you for this well thought out and balanced response to what has become an over-emotive, overblown topic. What you have to say about privacy and respect is to my mind spot on!

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Interesting Viewpoint.

Submitted by mug4times on Tue, 26/09/2006 - 09:27.

I am honeslty gob smacked at your response ! If you had 2 nearly of teenage girls in the house would you not find it a little bit disturbing that he was watching teen rape porn !!! Every day ? He watched it on his daughters desk top , I found it by accident so any of the kids could they are more computer literate then me. Children should be brought up in a nurturing environment not exposed to vile acts of sexual violence . At the end of the day you think porn is ok and your partner is ok with it so its a mutual agreement. I however can not accept pornography of this deviant nature, rape is rape and illegal.Is that the essential harmless bit of fun you mentioned?Could you stand by and watch a man or women get raped ? Granted some of the films are faked but some of then aren't .

Would you knowingly do something that upset your other half on a daily basis ? Would you not have any respect for them or yourself or family ? e.g My partner did not like me smoking ( a habit of 15 years ) but I gave up a pretty strong addiction . It's about mutual respect .

And as for my 'obsession' I did what I did because I had to be sure that it had not gone as far as kiddy porn I'm sure even you can understand why - you didn't mention having any children but reading between the lines i would say you have not. Try standing in a mothers shoes. I stand in both a mothers and a 'professionals '

Please do not take these comments aggresively but your post can not possibly be objective until a sharp thing called reality burts your porn filled bubble. I hope you remember this post next time you are betrayed / lied / deceived / abused by a loved one and i'm not just talking porn but anything that's important to a relationship. Perhaps then you will understand how deep it can cut.

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i did not fully understand obviously

Submitted by pitman on Mon, 02/10/2006 - 11:13.

Hi
I have obviously upset you with my reply and I did not want to do this - merely give you a less onerous view of the subject of pornography. As I explained - I cannot begin to know or understand your relationship from a few words on this forum - only you know and can decide whether there is a future for you and your partner. There are obviously issues here that are not really about the porn, and if this is the case then you need to make the decision with advice from people who either know you both, or are professionals in this field.
Good luck!

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Changing your partner (watching porn)

Submitted by mkarliner on Wed, 27/09/2006 - 08:49.

We have had a sustained string of postings of this nature, and I'd like to make a couple of general observations about them.

The first is the general reaction of nearly of the posters which can be summarised as "I *demanded* that he stop and he promised he would but he didn't". The key word here is demanded. Nearly every relationship has some aspect that one partner would like changed. However, the most effective, possibly only, way to effect change is by negotiation and compromise.

In this particular case, there is a specific point; viewing porn on the kids' computer, thus possibly exposing them to it. This would seem a good point for some compromise, eg: get a laptop, which is secured against prying eyes. I'm sure you can think of some more.

The basic thing is that virtually no-one gets everything they want in a relationship, and success is about getting a solution both partners can live with.

The second point is about what you are trying to change. It would seem to me that everyone has a social self and behaviours, which they present to the world, including family and partners, and an internal self, which is full of our hopes, fears, and many emotions that would be inappropriate to act out in real life; murderous rage for example.

The point of our social selves is that they allow us to live in society with others, restraining the behaviours that are inside all of us. That doesn't mean that these tendences don't live inside us always.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me that one can engage a partner about how they behave in the real world, and negotiate about that. However, it seems to me that it is pretty impossible to change someone's internal world, and probably is unreasonable anyway.

Very often the media plug into this internal world, and present us with a version of it.
As an example, think about reality TV (especially in the UK), Jerry Springer, Opra, and others, soap operas, and any movie with a car chase.

Respectively, they present us with, unbounded, anti-social behaviour, irresponsible sexual relationship, betrayal, and all kinds of mayhem, often perpetrated by the 'hero'. This entertainment is unquestionably appealing to most people, because it is so successful. However, pretty much no-one thinks that exposure to soap operas is going to result in the kinds of behaviour of the characters. Yes, there are well publisized exceptions, but considering how many people watch this stuff, they are very few.

The underlying assumption in all of these posts is that partners 'own' each other, and in some way are committed to completely conform to the others requirements. Well, not only is it wrong to attempt this, it is almost certain to end in failure.

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