Hi, I am in shock at all of the posts I have read on this forum dealing with male porn addition. Everything I have read just hits so close to home it's scary.
My story goes something like this.......
My husband and I had dated since 04 and were recently married. He's a Marine and has been to war and has seen the world. I always wondered if I could be the one to make him happy, considering all he's seen and done. While we were just dating, I stumbled across an email on his computer from another woman. I was in horror. Yes, we were only dating, but I felt hurt and angry. And definitly betrayed. This email, and the others, were to and from women he had met at internet dating sites. I his replys, he was telling them what cars he drove, where he worked, blah and blah. And to top it off, he said that he was single, after recently being divorced from his ex-wife. aAll of which were true, except that he wasn't single, we were dating. Anyways, I got to looking around and found out that not only was he communicating with these women and putting himself out there as being avavilable, he had a profile (with pictures of him that I had taken at my house!) on several different sites, including a sexually explicit dating site. I also discovered that his computer's history was full ofporn websites. Mostly video clips. Looking back on it now, there were times when he would tell me he had to leave to go home because he had to "clean the house", or "he was tired", (alot of different reasons why he had to leave my house), especially in the morning when he would stay the night. He would get up saying he was late for work but of course, I would check his pc and the days when he said he was "doing this or that" or "had to get to work", he had actually went home and looked at porn for a couple hours. He would even come to my house for lunch, lie and say he had to get back to work, then he would go home and look at porn for another hour. Believe me, it was all I could do not to confront him on a daily basis because of the lies he was telling because of his addiction. But eventually we had it out and he said if it meant that much to me, because it didn't to him, he wouldn't do it anymore. But he said, and still does, to this day, that he just doesn't understand women. Guys should just be allowed to be guys. But he went on to apoligize saying that the dating sites were just for entertainment. We had been thru a tough time when we first got together and he wasn't sure if we would last or not, so it was just him seeing what else was out there in case we didn't. Oh, and did I forget, he said it was just entertainment. He cried, which marine's DON'T DO, and said that he would unsubscribe form the sites and would not get into that any more. He said he was sorry and that I was the one he wanted, so eventually, he made me "believe him" and I told him it would take awhile for me to trust him again.

After all that, I stopped seeing the porn sites until there were no more on the pc. But since then, my mind has not been right. I don't know if he's telling me the truth, or just what he knows I want to hear. And that goes for everything. I trust him, but only those times when I know for a fact that what he's saying or doing is the truth. Is that wrong of me? We got married for christ's sake and the consequences of everything he did, and I saw, make me question everything he does.
I also discovered a new addiction, one that he had kept hidden from me the entire time. masturbatiion. He was doing it AT LEAST three or four times a day. But he always tried to hide it from me. How did I know he was doing it you ask? Well, a couple of times, I would catch him in the act, but play it off like I didn't see it or know what he was doing, but mainly, he always ejaculated into a soke or something and either left it under the bed, or put it in his stack of dirty clothes. I know this sounds horrible, but once I knew he was doing it AND hiding the fact that he did it, along with the porn, and everyhting else, in my mind, he was lying to me about everything. So, I would check his laundry and to my amazement, he was doing it as often as I tought. He was even doing it at work, in his office, and bringing the soiled laundry home.
Well, I have spoken to him about it and again, he says he does it because he's a guy, and that's what guys do. He also says that he doesn't do it very often anymore, which I don't believe. I don't care that he does it every now and then but it really hurts me looking back on everything that has happened, to once again think, "What am I around for if he's got everything he needs on the pc, or in his sock drawer.
He hates talking about "our past", meaning what he put me thru. And he hates me asking him, on a daily basis, if he's "taken care of himself". So I promised I wouldn't ask anymore. But how can I forget? And how can I get thru the rest of our lives together without all of that gnawing on my brain? How am I supposed to ever feel that I'm the one person he truely wants and needs in his life if this is the sort of thing going on? I love him and have always tried to work our problems out. But I can't get everything he has done out of my head. I'm afraid he's going to get fed up with my insecurities and my trust issues and be done with us. Should I believe he HAS stopped it all completely? Even though I still get that "something isn't right feeling"??
Should I keep listening to my women's intuition?????? Or do I just feel that way beacuse of the residue of what happened in our past?