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Thanks for advice I've read on this site!

Submitted by sunshine78 on Mon, 31/07/2006 - 16:02. Internet Porn Addiction

I am new to this forum, and i looked for it after descovering porn on my boyfriends (of over 2 years)computer the other night. I can't belive how many women are being put through this by men. My (now ex!) boyfriend always said he did not use porn, but our sex life has always been crap and i have always suspected he wanted something different, as he is always rough and hard and fast in bed which i found off putting. I now know why! He is thinking and wanting sex like the women on these porn sites!

I am not too knowledgeable about computers, but my ex is a computer engineer, so is very clever with them (ie, always downloading and building his own computer etc.). I looked in his "my computer" part of his computer and found an entire library of porn, including many "teen" sites, illegal incestous sites, gang rape, etc and felt as if i was going mad. I tried to go on these sites but i kept being told by the computer that the path was broken, which i don't understand. I closed the computer down out of shere horror. When i tried to return, I couldn't find the catalogue again, as i had found it by mistake, as i ws looking for something else. Out of frustration, i looked up his history on the net, and it was clean, until i looked in "my computer" which was in his history, and found all these really degrading "teen" porn links, and anal black bitches (what a bastard!!!) but, again, the paths were broken, but i could see the time and dates he had been on and he had been using them just the day before.

I didn't know what to do, so i looked for this site and it has astounded me how common this problem is (well, to those who see it as a problem, as i get the gist that many people would disagree - personal choice). I would like to thank members for advice which i have read, and as a result, have found the courage to dump him as i definately do not want to see someone who likes looking at 14 year old girls and who likes looking at voyeer web cams.

I am just frightened how to confront him. I dumped him last night over the phone and he has not a clue why. I feel pretty bad for this but i don't feel i should tell him because he will just cover his traks more carefully next time, so the next person he dates may never descover his secret life (it's taken me over two years!), yet deep down i want to do what is right - even though i hate his guts. I am frighted that if i confrount him about this he will deny it, and try to talk me round by lies and sweet talk, and i really don't want to be dragged into this as it makes me sick. As i can't remember how i descovered these links in the first place, i will never be able to prove to him they are on his computer (unless i show him his history, but that can easily be deleted).

Any way, thanks for these posts, and for giving me the strenght to finish with him. I hope other people who are going through similar experienes can help each other and offer advice and strength so that these people can stop hurting others.

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Thanks for the advice I've read on this site!

Submitted by Chrissy on Thu, 14/09/2006 - 02:08.

Sunshine78 as your post is over six weeks old you have probably got rid of him well & truly now, just in case you haven't if you want to make sure about what you saw I will tell you my method, although I am no computer wizz. Just go into the Windows search from the start button and put in whatever relevant 'dirty' words you think might produce a hit, IE: adult,sex or in his case teen. That will show up anything with those words in including stored cookies, hidden files, contents of favorites & recycle bin etc If you get hits you can then follow the path to see where they are coming from to find the rest. If they are WMP vids you can just click on them from the results & play them. I hope that you find peace of mind, maybe it would just be easier to find men without PC's. Take care.

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Working it out

Submitted by manray on Tue, 03/10/2006 - 08:25.

I am a 60 year old male and although I draw the line at extreme and violent porn, I spent some time on live sex feeds and found it very compulsive to keep coming back - addiction! I wanted to share my views with the forum and in posting it, I am able to do something with the problem.

I recognised that it wasn't about sexual stimualtion as such but the fantasy about the body - young women representing life through the breast and rear breast ( ass) wanting to go back into the womb, losing the angst of being a seperate person through masturbation. The hightened moment of orgasm re-enforced by chemistry and unconscious needs.

The violence is breaking thorugh the taboos but still the same issue of ironically searching for beauty and truth in the dark side.

Being in relationship to yourself - especially your fantasy world, where there is no rules - is the central issue for a person. If it is used well it is exciting and rich but if it uses you, then there is a problem.

We make choices, and in addiction, we do not. I chose to not indulge fantasy of violence because it is about pain to others. I stopped the sex feeds because the girls do not love me or actually have any interest in me sexually, they are just a vehicle for my projections that will be in mind always. We can find the intensity of life in a morning sky - it is not only the orgasm!

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Manray - Although i am well

Submitted by sunshine78 on Wed, 04/10/2006 - 08:07.

Manray - Although i am well over my ex, i wanted to reply to your post as i think your comment is one of the most intelligent i have read on these forums, and i believe your philosphy can be applied to ALL addictions.

You have identified the main attraction of addiction, which is ESCAPISM - ie, "going back to the womb" where there is no responsibility - just pure indulgance and freedom. Unfortunately, people like my ex had a distorted view between fantasy and reality, and had lost the plot between the two.

This is where all addictions become dangerous, as you have recognised - the addiction uses you and stops you from being free, where as in the beginning, it is the other way round - you use it to be free. I believe all alchoholics, smokers, drug addicts etc. will be able to identify with this - there is a difference between having a few pints and having a constant need to be drunk. Ironically, one becomes a slave to freedom through a false sense of security....!

I think the fact you have recognised all these issues, and have tackled your addiction will make you a stronger person in the long run - keep enjoying the moring sky!

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porn addiction

Submitted by kelianne on Tue, 15/08/2006 - 01:22.

I have a partner who is addicted and has been for a few years. It is getting better. What I don't understand is how you could finish with him. It's so obvious he has a problem. You should have spoken about it with him. If every one took the easy way out there wouldn't be lasting relationships or marrige. Yhere is help out there, you just have to be brave enough to face it together. I wouldn't abandon my partner until I know I have done evreything in my power to help him.
Ladies stick with it. Hopefully you both combat it together. THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL...

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What the "***?"

Submitted by sunshine78 on Tue, 15/08/2006 - 16:17.

Quote "I don't understand is how I could finnish with him?"

HELLO? What part of inernet sex addict don't you understand?!!

Quote "Should have spoken about it with him" WHAT? Are you mad??! Why should I? Why should i subjugate myself to continual psychological abuse and lies, whilst staying with a man who get his kicks out of looking at children and watching woman being raped?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why should I help someone who has absolutely no motivation to help themselves? I did confront him, however, due to reading posts on this forum, and realising quite a few women don't mind porn (legal porn that is - I think my ex had 'illegal' porn), and he got really angry and tried to deny it and stoormed off.

I am sure Hitler and Rosemary and Fred West had their problems, but If i was in a relationship with these people, would you advise me to stay with them and talk about it, cause they have problems and they need my help - rather than take the easy way out? I don't think so!

This is not a case of taking the easy way out - it is about being sensible and not kidding myself that this is a problem i can help with, as it is his responsibility and only he can help himself. We have spoken and he denied and squirmed his way out of it all, so how can I help him if he is not willing to help himself? He does not see it as a problem - he see's me as the problem as i cannot accept this. I cannot believe that i should stick with someone who is a potential peadophille!!! That is not taking the easy way out, it is being sensible! I do not want children with a man who has this going on in his head. How would my children feel if they found out their dad was like this? Why should i stay with a man who has cheated on me? If they do it once and get away with it, they will do it again.

You may see this as me taking the easy way out, but i see you as still being in denial, and not facing up to the danger which these men are capable of.

I was not put on this planet to be abused, lied to, and treated like this, and if you see this as me taking the easy way out, well, i think you are putting yourself at risk. If you would do everything in your power to help your bloke, you would end up killing yourself for him, and personally, i don't think these perverts are worth the time of day. How come convicted peadophilles are slated and hated, yet men who download illegal porn of kids are accepted into society as "addicts?" The difference? One got caught and the other didn't. If you want to continually "feed" you partner's habit, well carry on doing so. By staying with these men, this is what we are doing. The only way they will learn is by leaving them on their own, with nothing to stimulate them.
The best thing I ever did was get out of that relationship.

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Men and Internet Porn and other stuff

Submitted by Trisha95 on Mon, 07/08/2006 - 22:54.

Two years ago I discovered that the man I trusted completed was into computer porn (the hardcore stuff) and also into cross dressing. I felt as though I was going mad or he was. I confronted him with the cross dressing which was more upsetting at the time as I thought he was completely straight. He said it was the taboo side to this that excited him and he is trying to stop this as he knows it plays with my mind. The porn he has laughed off as "being nothing" and just what men do as they are unlike women and very weak. I still have surveillance software on his computer and he knows this. This seems to keep him in line for a while and then when he feels I am not checking he goes wild. I feel as though it is very sad that I have had to resort to this but it seems it is a worldwide problem.
They are very sad and weak and one can only have sympathy for them as it is an addiction akin to gambling smoking or drinking except that it has a catastrophic affect on the sexual relationships of most partners. Either the woman feels inadequate and there is very little sexual relationship to speak of or she is so angry with him that she doesn't want to have sex.

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"It's nothing"...all guys do it

Submitted by sedate on Thu, 09/11/2006 - 15:02.

This should never be accepted as a response. It's something to you and that's all he needs to understand. If he truly cares, he will be a responsible partner and be a part of the solution.

It's just what men do is no excuse. I thought that way as well, and I now know that I was wrong. Just because some may accept it doesn't mean your gf/wife who doesn't accept it has to live with it. If she thinks it's wrong, it's wrong.

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men and porn addiction

Submitted by kelianne on Tue, 15/08/2006 - 01:14.

I totally agree. Im in the process of setting up therapy for my partner who is totally addicted and its gone from soft porn to totally exstreme stuff now, even acting it out on me every time we have sex.
It's so hurtfull. Do these men know what they are doing to their loved ones?? I think not, either that or they dont give a dam..

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