I appreciate your response. I actually talked to my boyfriend again about the whole pornography isssue and I am lucky that he is so open to talking about it; I want to understand and he is helping. He by no means pays for porn, goes to webcams or looks up local girls. He only uses internet porn and we discussed how humorous it is to find anything decent for him to even look at because half of the stuff he comes across isn't what it claims. He strictly looks at porn to masterbate, which is healthy, regardless of whether one is in a relationship or not. Anyways, I've talked to him and he reiterated that his looking at porn has nothing to do with our sex life or the way I look. I was told that I meet his fantasies and that he has simply been masterbating and looking at internet porn since he was like thirteen or so and that he does not do it for any reason other than masterbation. Well, I'm not sure how I still feel about it, but the girls he does look at don't really hold a candle to me and he knows that. Even if they were more attractive, you are right he's with me and he has made it very clear that he doesn't want anybody else. We have a wonderful emotional, physical, and intellectual connection that I need to embrace. I can feel the love in his eyes when he looks at me and in everything he does for me. I was insecure about the porn and that was it, everything else is quite good; sometimes I even feel like it would be ridiculously hard for me to give him same amount of love and affection that he gives to me. I now better understand his porn use and it is helping me to lighten up. I need to re-evaluate my own insecurities and move on because dwelling on this only makes it worse; also, I have a huge guilt complex and can't lie so if I push the boundaries too far then I will lose him and that I is not something I want to happen.

daniela

I have been with my fiancé for a year and a half. In this time I have discovered a love I never thought possible. He’s smart, funny, sexy, driven and best of all he loves me! I can tell him anything and he doesn’t judge me or get upset. He’s not at all controlling or jealous. Most women would kill for what I have.
In our relationship we each have one huge problem and its killing us. I'm insecure and he likes porn! I have always been insecure and he has always looked at porn. So needless to say we each have a pretty destructive habit. His looking at porn first started being a problem for me when I caught him in the act! He was so ashamed and for the first time in our relationship he didn’t talk to me for a day.
I didn’t handle it well and I’m still a little screwed up by it. My self esteem is already low so that just killed me. He waits until I’m asleep to do it. So it’s not like I’m not home or anything. The thing with me is I want to be understanding and if it’s something he likes I want to be included. The difference between you and I is I could never cheat on him. I love everything about him (well besides this one thing of course). This actually kills his need for me. The only time we have sex is when I initiate it and that hurts! He says he has always looked at porn and he loves me and it has nothing to do with me! But it takes away from his need to do it with me.
So two nights ago I wake up in the middle of night and catch him again! My initial reaction was rage, hurt, betrayal, and heart ach. Then I decided to take this into my own hands. I made him watch it with me. At first it was weird for him and he seemed ashamed but when he opened up we had the most amazing night! But I couldn’t shake my hurtful feelings afterwards. The very next night he’s at it again! That was it for me! I couldn’t handle that he would prefer to look at porn over me. I’m a very open person and I will do whatever he wants so why? Why does he do this? It feels so personal. So we fought then we didn’t talk to each other and then we had a very long talk about everything. He told me again that he loves the way I look and he hates that I’m so insecure. He also said that he feels he has to sensor his thoughts and actions so as to not upset me. I hate that! I don’t want to control him. He deserves to trust me and to be himself with me. He agreed to try to change and so did I. My fear however is that we will end up in the same place a month from now, and at that time he wont be so willing to talk it out. I’d really appreciate any insight or advice. It makes me feel so much better to know this problem is not just mine and his.

Thank you for your comment, I agree it is good to know that there are other women out there who share similar problems with this issue. I am glad that you and your boyfriend had a discussion about his use of pornography because that is the first step. I think it is inappropriate for him to be using porn when you are home or around because that interferes with the relationship.

What did he agree to change? I wouldn't expect him to stop looking at it all together, but he should severely cut back and give you the time and attention that you deserve. It sounds like his usage has interfered with your sexual life and that needs to be fixed. Please let me know how things go...you should both be initiating sex, it shouldn't just be one sided.

I will admit that I was wrong to kiss other guys and I know that I have to stop seeking attention from other men; I'm glad that you don't also have that urge because it kills me inside after I betray our relationship. I am in individual counseling myself to work on all of the issues mentioned above and so much more and it is helping. I have a female counselor and even she says porn use can be appropriate in a relationship and porn is not wrong.

Of coarse, every one has their own moral code and that needs to be considered and there are so many types of illegal porn; however, porn all together isn't completely evil although I do believe it has added to my own insecurities. Don't worry about what anyone else says, you have to make the decision that is right for you. It seems like you and your boyfriend should maybe go to bed at the same time for starters, perhaps that would help. If things don't get better, I would start considering whether or not to continue the relationship because his porn is directly affecting you and the relationship.

Also, something I've learned and I think you did also, it's good not to get so defensive about his porn use because it typically has nothing to do with us and if you can open yourself up to it, talking to your boyfriend and understanding his porn use may be helpful...I know that helped me some. Well, good luck with everything, I wish you the best.

I too have similar experiences, it is hard to deal with and my boyfriend has locked me out of his laptop because I snoop into his surfing habits and pics he had on his pc, he likes to fantasise about real women and also about massage parlour girls.

I don't like it and our relationship has take a turn for the worse today in face as we rarely have sex unless i inititate it.
I don't know why he has seemingly gone off sex with me, he doesn't know why himself but I think he gets what he needs from masturbating so sex becomes un-needed from me and too much effort on his part.
he tells me he still fancies me, loves me dearly so god knows what went wrong.

Today I made a decision to finish the relationship as I felt it was going nowhere and he turned around and said he was hoping to ask could he move in with me !

I too get jealous when he looks at other women on the net even though I know it is normal to look at porn its what men do.

I've read a couple of articles on this site, and researched elsewhere as well, and believe me. Looking at pornography is not something that should be classified as "normal" for men. It can become a very unhealthy addiction and generally can destroy relationships. Men enjoy fantasising, but it can sometimes be hard for them to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

It's not a normal thing for men to do, i suggest you talk to him about it and maybe do some research together so he can realise just how awful it can become. Don't think that you're not good enough for him.

Good luck

I agree. It really is a huge issue with my wife and I, and a big reason we're separated after 8 years of marriage and over 17 years of being with each other (since college). I always thought, well, it;s normal for men to masturbate or to look at porn. That's what everyone says and that's what I read, right? Wrong! If the woman feels like it's destroying the relationship, then it's bad. In her reality it's bad. And she was a very sexual person. Any time I wanted it. What the hell was wrong with me? I wish I could explain.

It's just like alcohol. Not a terrible thing unless it's abused.

I didn't realize it, but I abused it, even watching it and masturbating to it when she was in the other room. She was terribly upset when she finally got around to telling me her secret, that she's known for 6 years. Devastated me, but I've deleted all files and all bookmarks. I don't know if it will mend our relationship, but at least I realize how it must have killed her self-esteem. The ultimate sense of rejection, and for that I'm truly sorry.