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My Head is Filled with HIS PORN!

Submitted by Karen on Sun, 07/05/2006 - 16:55. Internet Porn Addiction | Relationship Problems | Sex Addiction

My boyfriend and I are 20 and have been living together for over two years. I know that everyone thinks that being 20 inevitably means that you are in college, party, have lots of friends, are new to the "real world" and know little about relationships. Before you say any of that, I know that I am young but I am not stupid. I have read more than most 40 year olds that I know and I consider myself to be a mature and intelligent human being. I was my mother's counselor during her divorce.

When my boyfriend and I were first together, we were so open with each other.We never argued and had sex on a daily basis. I was happy with who we were and was comfortable with giving my virginity to him. He worships the ground I walk on and my family adores him. Blah blah blah it's a wonderful life with him.

I have been living with my boyfriend for over two years now. My problem is with him looking at other girls and pornography. I found out over a year ago that he was talking to some girl online and she was sending him nude pictures of her. I found messages on his phone that he had sent to her saying things like "I miss the sound of your pretty voice" and the such. I was devastated. He seriously worships me, does everything for me and I find this. What am I supposed to think? I found porn on the computer, mostly lesbian sex and women masturbating. I obviously confronted him about all of this and at first he blamed it on a friend of his that had used his computer but finally confessed. He felt ashamed and was clearly embarassed and I thought that this would have brought an end to it.

It did for a while, but a couple of months later, I found more porn. He was talking to this girl he knew from highschool and though there was little sexual content, he called her all of the cute little names he called me. He said he missed her and it was so clear that he had a crush on her. I, again, confronted him about it and he, again, denied it, and finally confessed and was again embarassed and upset that he had done this to me. He hasn't spoken to her since to the best of my knowledge.

One year later, I'm still finding porn (though definitely not as hardcore as before unless he's just doing a better job of hiding it.) I have lost my sex drive completely. Every time we have made love since all of this I can only see the things that he has seen. I don't feel like we're making love anymore, it's more like I'm the vessel through which he fulfills all of his sick desires.

This is tearing me apart. In the past when I suspected a boyfriend was cheating on me, I dumped him on the spot. I dumped a guy I had dated for three years, without a thought, after I found out he was flirting with other girls. I just can't bring myself to do this to him though. I love him more than I have ever loved anybody and he is the only person who could hurt me the way he has. I am generally a very happy, outgoing, tough individual and since I have been with him I feel like the nagging, snooping wife. I hate the way I feel. My self image has completely changed and I feel like I have to compete with the two dimensional images that he has in his head. I have tried everything from giving him whatever sex he has wanted to denying him completely of it to dressing up like the hookers to whom he is so obviously attracted. I have even tried to accept this sickness and try to condition myself to liking it as well. He always goes back to the porn and I am to the point where I am depressed and this takes up my entire day. I hate that when he looks at me I wonder who he's looking at. I always turn away and try to hide my face. I never used to be ashamed of how I looked. I used to actually think I was moderately attractive.

I feel like this society has warped the ideals and morals of man to the point where I just want to live the rest of my pathetic existance alone instead of continue tolerating the ignorant and selfish acts that are inevitable of whatever guy to whom I give my heart and loyalty. I haven't watched television for litereally three years. I refuse to. I feel so alone. I have attempted suicide, am anorexic (5"9 - going from 130lbs to 108lbs) and I just don't want to do it anymore.

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I know

Submitted by anoninna on Fri, 14/07/2006 - 18:00.

exactly how you feel. My boyfriend loves, and he treats me so good. He told me that he never watches porn, and then just the beginning of this year, I caught him. I confronted him, he said he'd stop, but he continues to do it behind my back (Thinking that I'll never know) I ask him to be honest with me, but he can't. I don't know what it is...he was angry at me for "snooping" around his stuff and finding out that he watches it. So he changed his passwords to almost all his accounts on the net. He said I was making him feel like a criminal. I try to tell him how it makes me feel, but I don't think he'll ever understand me. I don't think he thinks it's effecting our relationship, but it really obviously is. How do I know that next time we have sex, he's not thinking about someone else? There's no room for intimacy in that sense. I would usually be able to break up with anyone in a heart beat, but he means the world to me, and we've even talked about marriage. We've been together for over 4 years now. Right now, we're on a "break" because I caught him again, and he again got mad at me for "snooping". I don't think he should have been mad. Why would it make him mad if he had nothing to hide from me? This all makes me feel very unattractive and extremely self concious. He says he doesn't compare me to those girls, but how could he not??? I don't know what to do...I'm slowly dying inside. I know he loves me, but I feel this is hindering the potential that our relationship could be. I also feel like he's losing respect for me. Just stay strong, women like us need to stay strong against things like this. I know it's hard, but we can't let it take us over. What to do, what to do?

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My Head is filled with HIS PORN

Submitted by adieb on Mon, 22/05/2006 - 04:18.

Oh my god I hear you. Been together for 14 years with 3 children and for over 12 of those years my husband engaged a relationship with his hand and his computer. I think he might be passed it now but what drives me most insane is that I put up with it for so long. Even as his viewing got more and more hardcore and way beyond what one would consider 'normal' viewing, I still put up with it. He lied, I screamed, he lied and I screamed some more. Even when we stopped that pattern, the porn didn't. He assures me it's just occasionally now but lets face it, another lie. The issue is we have three beautiful children and despite the obvious intimacy problems, a very stable family life. I have no desire to disrupt my children because their parents are emotional losers. There will be times when all I can think of him sitting at the computer viewing smut and oblivious to everything but how he feels. Sometimes I cannot get this out of my head so I don't watch TV with him anymore, I'm beyond distracted when he's alone in the house. But...Hang in there, there's heaps to read and learn about behaviour and what drives us to do things we do (not that i'm advocating self therapy - a decent therapist can be priceless). If you can find a line of communication that works for both of you I suggest you communicate that way, (I started to email him because talking directly didn't work).I would suggest not to wait for him to grow up tho', because if that day comes you will be left to deal with the whys, hows and why didn't I's for years to come. This is where I'm at and I don't think i'll ever get over it.

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Update...

Submitted by Karen on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 23:33.

There is a lot going on right now and I am so confused. I will attempt to make enough sense out of it to post it here in hopes that maybe someone else may be able to desipher it.

Firstly, I asked him if it would help if I changed the way I look. I received a lot of money from my tax return and said that I was willing to use it for new clothes, tanning, etc... He said that he would stop looking at other girls if I were better to look at (yeah right.) (And mind you, I'm not entirely unattractive in my opinion. I would even go so far as to say that I am appealing. I am also VERY against tanning as cancer runs in my family. But hey, I'd rather die happy than live long and miserably.)

So the decision was made that we would go shopping and that he would pick everything out for me. Well, we went and he only picked things out that I pretty much already own and wear. Other things he was picking out would have made me look like a grandmother. I was like, "please, I know that ***** wasn't wearing that when you stared at her for hours." He only got upset with me and I ended the trip and bought only a few new things for work.

My first question is: Why would he tell me that he is not attracted to me and agree to make it so that I was attractive to him and then bail when it came time to do it, picking things out that were clearly not what he was looking for?

He also tells me that he likes me the way I am and that he doesn't want me to change.

My second question is: Which is it? Is his problem really with me being boring or is it something serious that I can do nothing about?

I am at such a loss. We are supposed to be moving to a nicer apartment next month and I'm wondering whether or not I want to sign a lease with him. I don't want to put myself through years of this if he isn't going to or cannot change. Please, any advice is very much appreciated.

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It's nobody's fault

Submitted by JC on Mon, 19/06/2006 - 20:12.

It breaks my heart when women blame themselves for the illnesses of their boyfriends. Look, this is a fairly new kind of addiction and there's a lot that people don't know yet, but one thing I'm sure of is a trip to a tanning salon and new clothes is not going to stop your boyfriend's problem.

Doing things in the bedroom that you were previously not willing to do is also not the answer. You're not the problem. You do love him, that's clear, so support him. Be understanding, be strong, be honest with each other. Yes, this is an extremely uncomfortable subject to broach with someone. But I think it's important to be clear with each other.

If he is an addict, it's unfair and it is not his fault. People of our generation know not to mess with heroin, but who knew that masturbating to pornography would create habitual behavior and a reaction in the brain similar to the use of hardcore drugs. This has been documented and yes, his behavior is potentially dangerous. Please be supportive and don't be so hard on yourself.

Take a look at some stats on this stuff and you will see numbers in the millions. He's not a freak, and neither of you are alone. Best of luck, Karen.

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Sex Addiction

Submitted by morenito53 on Fri, 19/05/2006 - 17:05.

After I have read all that, I felt like I was just reading my life. Its not all like me but what your boy friend has is a problem that I have. I can't be honest to my girlfriend because I am ashamed that she will make me feel like I am sick that she won't understand what's going on with me.

Today was my last day masturbating over the internet, I feel disgusted and very regretfully of my self. Today with Only one click in Google I have found out that my problem is sexual addiction after 7 years! I am gutted I never though that was a problem, I have betrayed my girlfriend online with other girls chatting, making my relationship goes ruined, I have I started to lie just to hide my fantasies, I live anxious I am not happy with my self and I love my girlfriend very much.

I need you to understand that if you love your boyfriend dont leave him alone with that, this is a disease that he is not aware of. Thank god you came here for help, I wish it was my girlfriend trying to find out her self but I guess she doesn't have the time.

What you need to do is do a lot research about sexual addition sit down with him and tell him to read, and take him to get help, as many experts say this is the same as alcohol or drugs you are addictive to it but you don't understand that you just fucking your life up and people around.

My girlfriend just sent me a message today saying Hun why our situation always have to be like that why we never happy. I just replied saying babe I have some problems with my self when I am fine we will be fine for a very long time.

Your story really made me think that my girl is probably thinking the way you do but she loves me and I know that but she can't trust me again. just cause she doesn't understand whats going on with me.

Take care and don't give up fight for what you love. :)

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Same problem (was Hi)

Submitted by MandaBee on Tue, 06/06/2006 - 01:35.

I wanted to say hi because I believe that my Boyfriend has the same problem. He is willing to admit it and claims that he is trying his hardest to stop looking and searching for pornography.

I know he only looks when he is bored and that he loves me very much, and our sexual life hasn't altered at all. I believe him when he says that he thinks of me whilst he is watching pornography and sometimes does not watch it at all. Just listens, and wishes I were there.

I do believe him when he says that because I don't think he has a reason to lie about it.

I would like to know if you think there is anyway that I can possibly help him, I know he doesn't want to talk about it and claims that he will get better if we both accept that he is trying his best and i don't go looking on his computer or in his email.

The biggest problem is, when I'm not with him, (because we're both only 17 and 18 and at university studying different courses and living with our families still), I can easily get upset by thinking about what he might be doing, what he might be watching, if he's talking to other girls etc.

I find pornography incredibly offensive, it's a little strange i think, but i am very very against it and it makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it. I really want to be there for him and help him, but do you think that there is anyway that he can "get over it" by himself? I want to help him, although i don't know how I can do that.

It's really tearing me apart because i feel so inadequate, I'm generally the "innocent" type of girl and I feel that maybe if I were like the women he finds on the internet he would stop looking for them. But I definitely do not want to change myself or lower myself to the level of pretending to be like them. I know he deeply loves me and I love him.

Can you suggest anything?
sorry this has probably been very jumbled and i'm waffling a bit, it just upsets me so much.

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Thank you so much for

Submitted by Karen on Sat, 20/05/2006 - 21:41.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's at least comforting to know that he isn't alone and that he can get over it.

I showed him this website "www.sexualcontrol.com" and he only looked at it once and said that everything would be ok. Do you really think he's going to do something about this or am I just going to have to resign myself to a miserable relationship? He sounded sincere, but he's only looked at it once. I even deleted it out of the favorites to see if he would notice and he hasn't. I don't know what else I can do. I've asked him if he thought it was an addiction and that he needed help and he said yes. So I tried to help and it seems like he's blown me off. I've decided to move in with him and give it another try. I really do love him, otherwise I wouldn't care at all. I just don't want to be miserable anymore. Any further advice would be really appreciated. Thank you again for your reply. It means a lot.

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Hi Karen

Submitted by morenito53 on Mon, 22/05/2006 - 10:24.

Have read your comment and one thing I will tell you dont pressure him, he is probably ashamed, so every man has his pride, and now that you revealed his problem he doesn't want you to lead on the solution. So hopefully he will find help by himself, I would do the same. As a man you dont wanna feel like you been taken care of like a child when it is your duty to do it. I hope you know what I mean!

Good news...! I am going to have my first therapy today So i am very positive about it,

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Sex therapy

Submitted by alexd968 on Wed, 12/07/2006 - 18:48.

Hello morenito53,
I have just read your post and I am really interested in your sex therapy. I fear I "suffer" from sexual addiction as I always seem to need to be on the net surfing for porn etc when I have a minute. I want to do something about it but do not know where to start really. Did your first session help? Any pointers on where to start?

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Thank you!

Submitted by Karen on Mon, 22/05/2006 - 21:34.

Thank you again for the advice. I'm so worried about which direction this will go. Oh-well. Time will tell I suppose. I'll leave him alone about it and hope for the best.

Congratulations on getting help! I hope your first session goes well!

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I don't understand it, but

Submitted by Karen on Thu, 13/07/2006 - 13:39.

I don't understand it, but I wasn't able to read some of the comments people left until now. I apologize for not responding to them.

My heart breaks every time I read or hear that someone else is going through what I am going through. Why can't our partners be at least moderately sympathetic of our feelings and trauma? Yes, I call it trauma because it has seriously changed who I am and how I think. This has been going on for so long that I am numb to it. When I find something now, I don't even care. We made love for the first time in months last week and I literally couldn't feel anything. It used to hurt and I used to cringe and be disgusted when I would succumb to what he wanted, but now, I feel nothing. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, and regret is so abstract to me now. I hate who I have become and I hate even more than he has made me this way. I feel like it's too late to turn back now and I just keep waiting for the day that he decides he's hurt me enough and saves me from the cold well he's thrown me into, though realistically, I know it will never come.

I'm sorry if this is so negative and incoherent. I know that I am young and am not bound by legalities or children, but I feel that he is the best I can do and that all men look at porn and that any man I meet will treat me with the same callous and seemingly lack of concern. All of my other male friends look at porn and I have decided that when I can afford to live on my own, I will and I will not own a computer, television or phone so that I might live in peace and forget all of the horrid things he has made me see and think. Until then, I will live out the rest of this relationship in silence and let him do whatever he wishes since I know he is going to do it anyway.

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