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He was using porn (was: Help, every day I dream about moving to my own household.)

Submitted by junate123 on Sun, 23/10/2005 - 05:09. Internet Porn Addiction

I have always felt like something was wrong. It started with our sex life. He didn't have much of a sex drive, I tried not to take it personal but he was also having his own sex life by downloading porn to spend time with while I was alone. I was very much a desirable woman comparable to what he was looking at. I say WAS because now I feel like a has-been, my confidence is at the lowest ever. I'ts been really hard, I don't understand and he's a good man, but he did ignore me or fluff it off when I started heavily complaining about it, explaining that it hurt me.
Now it seems like he is not doing that anymore, but I dont believe it, he found another way to hide it. I don't want to have sex with him anymore and I feel like I want to live alone but I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't know if I want to be without him. It's so confusing. I always have a very warm feeling for him in my heart but does that mean we should be married?

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Be honest

Submitted by JC on Mon, 19/06/2006 - 20:31.

First of all, you're not a has-been.
You're taking this thing personally, which we can't have. His use of porn is not about you, or whatever areas you think you may be lacking in. If you do love this guy, and it seems like you do, you're going to need that self-confidence to confront this problem, to be supportive of your man and to hopefully nip this in the bud. I don't know the guy, so I can't tell you if he has an addiction.

Based on your suspicions, and my own struggles with this addiction, it sounds like he may be habitual. That's really nobody's fault, but you may want to consider taking action. If your future with this person is worth it to you, then you should definitely tread in those uncomfortible waters. His internet life may seem like his own personal business, but you're allowed to gently ask him what's going on.

Let him get embarrassed or upset, let him shout at you--that's all understandable, as he is probably as confused about this as you. Just get to a place of honesty. You say he's a good man. He probably is. Be there for him. If he is suffering from this illness, he's going to need you.

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yes, be honest

Submitted by jathh on Mon, 10/07/2006 - 22:30.

All I can say is that a few months after meeting the guy I last dated, I found a new personals ad posted by him, and emails from women that he'd chatted to.
I wish I'd finished the whole thing then, but instead, I tried to talk to him about it. He basically lied the whole thing through, said he'd deleted the ad, got angry with me, and I wasted months dealing with a guy who quite clearly enjoyed the impersonal internet casual sex thing more than a 'relationship' with a real woman, me.
In my humble opinion, porn is not a harmless thing at all. It's the tip of the iceberg of the whole emotionless sex thing, promoted by the media and many others as 'harmless fun' etc etc....
Its not, its sick, its harmful, and get the f*** out of any relationship with a man who thinks otherwise...is my advice.

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I'm so sorry for you.

Submitted by lise on Mon, 31/07/2006 - 06:34.

I'm so sorry for you. I have the same problem and kept wondering is it me, am I the one with the problem?. My self esteem is at an all time low and I feel i've lost all confidence in myself, It just seems he cant help himself and sneaks a peek on the net even when I go to the bathroom and yet is often "too tired" when it comes to a real sex life with me! He too is a good man and says he loves me, I think he does but I cant help comparing myself to the women he looks at and sadly I dont measure up at all. I have 2 children and am pregnant with my third and his habit is killing me inside, how he can do this when I am pregnant with his child I will never understand. I have spoken to him about it and he just says "all men do it". I wish I knew the answer.

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re: I'm so sorry for you.

Submitted by sedate on Thu, 09/11/2006 - 04:53.

"All men do it" is not an adequate answer. Nor should you accept it. If it bothers you, he should acknowledge it. Regardless if there are some people who consider it harmless. If you are disturbed by his actions, whether it's alcohol, porn addiction, or drugs, he needs to respect your feelings. It's not your problem, it's his.

It damaged my marriage, and it also may be the end of it as well. She had been keeping her knowing about my internet porn watching for 6 years and it was killing her inside. I've made it clear that I've respected her wishes and have deleted everything off my computer, but I don't know if it can mend our relationship.

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