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Unfaithful fiance

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 09/05/2004 - 19:15. Relationship Problems

About 6 months into our marraige, my new wife told me that while we were engaged she had slept with another man. She told me that it happened after we'd had an argument, and she was drunk, and she'd hated herself ever since.

I was truly devastated. Having had only her, I wondered if we could survive this. But I love her, and after a lot of thought I decided that she was genuinely sorry and the right thing to do was to forgive her and work at our relationship and hopefully in time we'd get over it. Though it did permanently change the way I looked at her.

But after it had all blown over, I started to think about the details she had given me about it, and how it didn't really add up. She wouldn't tell me the name of the man in case I did someting stupid (which, as any husband will understand, did cross my mind) (he had a wife/kids). She told me she never spoke to him again after that night and he moved away soon after. I cant stop thinking that these were lies, and worst of all that she would protect him over being honest to me. And, if she lied about that, what else is there that I havent been told?

I find I don't trust her anymore, though I have never been a jealous type. I used to a cheery, outgoing person, but now I find myself being cynical about most things, especially relationships and women. I don't like this about myself, I want to be a trusting husband, but not a day goes by when I don't think about what she did. I wonder sometimes if the reason she didn't tell me sooner is because I would have called off the wedding, and so she almost cheated me into marrying her.

I can't talk to her about it, because she IS sorry, and I can't ask her to be any more sorry. If I started to drag up the past, I don't see what it would accomplish other than to make us both feel worse about it. I have started to have grey moods that last for days, and taking too many headache tablets, and she is wondering what is wrong with me. Sometimes I think I should have left her when I found out about it, but mostly I just feel so sad.

I always used to treasure the fact that we'd only ever had each other, and now I feel like something I loved dearly has been taken from me by the one person who I loved and trusted.

Am I unreasonable to feel this way? I want to move on and try and forget it, but it sticks in my throat that she lied to me to protect him. I can't forget that no matter how hard I try.

We have been married 2 1/2 years now, and aside this we haven't had any major problems at all. I do know that she loves me, and I love her. I want our marraige to work, but I can't seem to get the image of them together out of my head.

If you can give me some advice I'd be very grateful

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Infidelity

Submitted by mpramage on Sun, 09/05/2004 - 21:29.

All that you say makes complete sense and anyone in this situation would feel the same, even 2 1/2 years on. Still, it is time to move on. You love her and she loves you. What she did was an acting out of a million anxieties that many women go through. Unfortunately it is very hard for men to get over, and the image of the two of them in your head is something you really have to conquer.
Have you considered hypnotherapy or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? This is almost like an obsession for you, and I think you need some professional help to get it in context and to let it go. It would be such a pity if all your hopes and dreams were destroyed by the memory of something that wasn't a big deal, wouldn't it?
I have come across men who have been unable to get over this sort of thing, as if the image of the woman they love is more important than the real human being with faults and weaknesses. If you can only be married to perfection, then give up any idea of marriage. I believe from what you say that you want to get over it, so get whatever help you need to get a grip and move forward from what seems to have been a trivial one off event by somebody who truly loves you and wants to be with you. True love is quite a rare commodity, so cherish it!

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cogna-what?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 09/05/2004 - 22:53.

Thank you for that. I'm rather glad to hear that you think I may be making too much of this in my mind. Normally I rely on others to tell me if I'm being ott, but of course thats not possible here. "Getting it in context" as you put it, is something I'm definitely having trouble with. Going over the details and conversations again and again. I promised her that I would never bring it up when we argued etc, and I have kept that promise. But still, it bubbles away inside me sometimes to the point of distraction.

We are very close, and people often ask us if we are newly-weds. In fact, some of our friends have told us that being around us has inspired them to go ahead and tie the knot! I like comments like that.

I've never liked the thought of hypnotherapy, but I have heard of cognitive behavioural therapy. Would you mind telling me what is involved in that? I know for a fact that she would be supporting of any help I sought. When she first told me, she asked if I would like us to go to some sort of relationship counselling. I said no, because I genuinely thought we'd get over it on our own, and in a way we have. I can't think of a single thing that I want her to do about it now that would make me feel any better, so it must be up to me.

Thanks again.

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